loss, love and life in the light years

i'm not sure where i'm going with this one, so the title will have to make itself known by the end.

today i tried to get more of my life back on track, but i have no solid answers to recent questions, i'm still just as sad though more manageable, and i now have to consider what i want my next step to be employment wise.  i so miss the days of getting up, hitting the gym, making coffee and sitting down to write.

i got up this morning and i said my prayer.  i didn't cramp up yesterday, which was no minor blessing, but i woke with my foot hurting, gout/neuropathy, whatever, and i just decided to roll with the plan.  so i got myself medicated, slightly caffienated, i ate the rest of my dinner from the night before.  i came back upstairs to chill briefly and when my aunt left for work i got busy.

i went outside, moved my mom's car to her parking spot (my brother had it kinda wide out in the driveway), and i washed my inside windows.  i went to the car wash and ran her through, and i went to my Sunday meeting.  it was nice to go, as i haven't been there in forever it seems.  but an acquaintance, a gentleman who is the former secretary of our Wednesday meeting, came through and said during comments that his wife had died.  she had sought to end her own life by ingesting drain cleaner and apparently succeeded though not in a timely fashion due to medical intervention.  he was very sad, and i was as empathetic as i could be.  Grief, i've said before, makes you selfish.  but i talked to him afterward and i will do so again in the near future.  i am sorry for his loss.

i had stopped at a DG to get a travel mug as i forgot mine at home and i filled up with coffee from the meeting.  i went to Sparkle to get lunch, and i stopped at BK to get something to tide me over.  work was boring, the usual bullshit, but i just couldn't get my head in the game today.  i kept thinking about my friend losing his wife, about her daughter who is his adopted daughter, about grief and loss and of course about Rachel.  i thought about the repetition of my job.  children bored do stupid things to see 'what will happen'.  that is the summation of my job.  it is boring and tedious, and it grates against the sensibilities as if one is seeking to turn their own brain into confetti.

i got through the night and the plan is to get through tomorrow as well.  i am hurting though.  i took a gabapentin when i got in, and i'm about to go to sleep.  that will determine quite a bit of my itinerary tomorrow, but i  want to get my oil changed and start looking at what comes next.  i also want to start shooting scenes for this video, to the song i wrote.  some experimentation, to see what we can see.

i am grateful.  the ground continues to balk, and i am still here.  by Jehovah's grace, i am here and grateful and i have to remember that at all times.

i hope Rachel is okay.