defining the self in the midst of a strange journey

how many years ago was this?  me in my apartment, trying to quantify my existence through extended arm and a cell phone?  i see the remnants of my former life, only recently ended, and i wonder if i have jettisoned the last fuel cell and am only now at the mercy of whatever passes for an errant breeze here in the cosmos of my truth, or if i am still just on impulse engines, small bursts of energy that i delude myself i have no control over, sending me in a controlled direction toward something i'm afraid to admit to?

today was not a bad day, as i alluded to earlier.  but some things happened that make me, again, question my worth in regard to this job i am currently employed in.  i feel that i am simply not caring enough, or that i am too nice.  one of the two.  i can't bring myself to feel the hostility or the 'me vs them' attitude that seems so necessary to create order and establish the hierarchy.  at the same time, i have practically no tolerance for the obvious stupidities, and the disregarding of myself as an authority, with the vested power to bring misery to someone's existence.  i guess i've lived too long, i've done too much to too many people.  i just don't get off on control anymore.

my feet aren't hurting as bad, and that's a plus.  i'm about to go to a non-drugged sleep, i've taken a roast from the freezer to thaw and cook for my parents in the morning.  whether they eat it or not, there will be dinner for them.  i've gorged on a Giant Eagle pot pie that contained enough small bones to kill someone with callousness.  shame on you, Iggle.  i am thinking of another woman, and that's not cool.  but to be fair, i see her far more than Rachel these days, and i miss the fuck out of Rachel.  better or worse, i'll get over it.  

i guess i'll have to continue to monitor my position and see where i end up at.  if it's impulse engines, i'll almost certainly do something stupid and know that i was steeped in self-will.  if it is just the solar wind, then it will take me where Jehovah has for me to go, to do what He has for me to do and to learn what i am supposed to learn.  we'll see.  either way, i'm sleepy, i'm grateful, and i'm gone.