...ain't it funny...

 i don't know what comes next.  i only know the rollercoaster ride is absolutely exhausting, and i don't know how much energy i really have left.  

so, what should have been a great day is a day of trying to gather my pieces and keep flying.  i guess maybe that's apropos.  you try, and you try to accept, and you adjust, and eventually you start to see clearly that if nothing has changed on the other end, everything is still the same.  

ten fucking years.

so, today i got up feeling good.  bath was great, rest was great.  had my prayer, my meds, an omelet and grits.  had plans to spend the day with Rachel.  heard from her that she was doing a doctor appointment with her daughter and would be by in the afternoon.  i'd decided no production numbers this time; i'd work with whatever was at hand, rather than going overboard.  went to the store for only a couple things, and to eventually grab some lunch.  came home and cooked, and eventually Rachel showed and my aunt went to work.  things were cool, until Rachel left to get clothes that she needed to wash.  i got my desserts together in that time and put them in the freezer.  

when Rachel came back, the energy was completely different.  as it often is.  and asking what happened only garnered sarcasm, so i decided it was time to take things on face to face.  turns out, while i had thought i'd made progress after such a long period of trying, i am still right there on the outside, and i fell for the glammor of seeming to be inside.  but at least i was able to be completely honest at this point.  

thing is, i always kind of knew this was coming.  a one way barrier exists between us, and has forever.  i can reach through and touch her, but she doesn't reach the other way.  it is not cool, and it has been as stressful as a thing could be.  in the end, this time, the silence grew to encompass most of the evening.  a silence so thick that it consumed us both.  and now she's gone home.  i'm not reaching in again.  that's not in my plan.  

i guess the thing that makes me so sad is, i doubt if there's someone coming after Rachel.  i will be 50 in April.  i am slow, i am pained, i am medicated heavily and as a recovering addict/alcoholic, i have no interest in pretending to be a 30 something year old to keep up with the kids.  i'm tired of having to fight for intimate moments, trying to get someone to understand that there are more dimensions than this one and that energy is needed to pull creativity.  tired of feeling alone.  tired of a lot, to be honest.  

i am grateful but i'm sure its not enough.