a new day. up early enough, being responsible. that's how you get ready to kick the weekend in the ass. however, that's also how you don't get the rest that you need to repeat the new day.
it's saturday. i've gotten up, said my prayer, read my scripture (Hebrews 13:2, i believe, one of my favorites), i've gathered my clothes, brought them downstairs, went to walmart to get stuff for chili for my parents for dinner. i've unloaded most of my bags, brought in my work vest, got my lunch box off the porch were i inadvertently left it last night. i am washing clothes while i begin my journey and i'm about to make coffee and get water. need to take meds.
there is some internalization going on, i know. its funny how you can know something that is happening on an emotional lever without feeling it per se, but you can't really feel something that you're intellectualizing. the human organism is funny. i am not really moved by Syd being in Columbus. i guess the thing really is, she's grown, she gave me a bunch of grief when she was a kid. but, so did Deja. and for the same reasons. he grew out of it more quickly; Deja just needed to know someone was going to be a constant in his life. Syd wanted her mother to account for her existence, and you can't make any other human account for something they're not willing to. WANTS, not wanted. and again, funny, because she's now in a place where two of the most qualified people to help her have lived since we moved away, and that's her brother and sister. but she may not avail herself to their wisdom and experience...and they may not share. they are all three infused with the erroneous belief that, in the regard of their mother, they are only children. as in, the only child born to their mother. it is a psychoses that i'd love to know more about, and will have to process further. but for now...
I am tired, because i worked the B side yesterday. we have new people at work, and they have to be trained, and they can't work both on the same side. i have become, by dint of my lack of luster, which is a strange redefining of lackluster, meaning nothing like the same thing, an experienced person, though i still don't know much. i am good with the mechanics in calm conditions. but i am learning more every day, and have the willingness to do exactly that.
it's nice to be able to say 'its my second work day of the week', know that i've got three more after this, and i'll have two days off. it's part of the human strangeness that this scenario feels better than when i had seven days a week off. but i have to incorporate my life back into this new routine. my writing, my advertising, my working on sales. Z-Phyles is being neglected. balance is not restored.
my back hurts, my feet are tired. i am going to take a shower, and i'm going to get my breakfast and coffee in. i'm going to rest after my clothes and the chili is done. i'm going to work, and i'm going to chill as much as i can. it is saturday. it is a drunken weekend for a bunch of hypocritical assholes who need the smallest provocation to medicate their sociopathy, and the continuous revisionism of the reality of this stolen land mass is their favorite of all.
i'm blessed by my God that i've never had to live under that illusion.
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