dissipation

Friday morning.  i don't know if i'm going to be up to writing later, so i figure best to get it in now.  i'm up for about the past hour and some minutes.  i've showered and shaved, i've prayed and read a scriptural meditation about being tempted.  i'm contemplating lunch and i am as close to pain-free as i've been in weeks now.  but it's Friday, and my trepidation is that they will stick me on B side tonight and i'll begin the cycle all over again.  but i have to be smarter than the job.  that is, actually, the job, to get smart enough to survive the stupidity.  again, that's the job...hell, that's LIFE.

two little white blobs down beneath the railing on the right side of the picture are ducks.  one of them was a spirit trapped in a duck body, i'm fairly sure.  well, he was a harbinger of human nature with feathers.  we have changed nature in not good ways, we humans have.  we have created a need in things that have an abundance always available to them, simply for our own entertainment.  this duck was constantly agitated, because he was not being fed bread by the humans on this deck overlooking Lake Newport.  we weren't living up to the bargain he'd come to understand in Pavlovian terms.  he would angrily quack from time to time, as if to remind us that we were contractually obligated to send chunks of bread down to the surface, as the price for sitting in that spot.  being a cruel human, i would through mints into the water, and the splash would send him scurrying to where the eddies were, looking for something that had sank below the surface.  Lonnie admonished me for this, but i honestly concluded that if he got used to looking at ripples and eating what made the surface ripple, perhaps he would again find it in himself to catch a mosquito on the surface of the water, or a fish coming up for a bug.  when we left, the duck began what sounded impressively like cursing me out, and i suppose he should have.

i woke feeling pretty good.  i was angry yesterday.  my mom is going to go to Alabama sullen and resentful; my dad is stuffing his emotions away as he always does, but he'll enjoy himself and return to be business as usual.  i intend to settle up with him when he gets back.  i am not going to bother with my mother's sulking at all.  i am glad to be going to work, where pain looms, because at least there, the pain is definable.  that's some sad shit.  but true.

i did see Rachel yesterday.  she was just in from cleaning for her grandmother.  she has things to do today, but i won't see her.  we'll make plans for next week, which is how it should be.  and then we'll see what we have, when again there is time to be around each other without the distractions of the rest of the world.  and you have to have that time, because all you do when dealing with each other in tandem to the world is function, whereas you have a chance to BE, when you get alone time with a person.  it will work itself out to what it's supposed to be.  but i'm cool on it either way.  as i get closer to being myself, feeling like myself, i can honestly say i have no issue with just waiting until the folks are gone, the house is practically empty, and i can think again.  that sounds like heaven.  sounds like a fucking paradise, right about now.

time to make the donuts.  thank you, Jehovah, for a wonderful start to a blessing of life.