pain is not fun anymore. i remember being young, playing rough sports in street matches. pain wasn't exactly fun then, either, but it was the making of your legend. playing football, hit a guy of comparable size with such a perfect hit i dislocated my shoulder, but i put him out of the game. never thought that i was the one who went to the e.r., just that it was a legendary tackle. working at GM when i was a much newer human than i am now, similar pain to what i'm feeling at this time, but knowing that i could push through it, that the money would be good, and striving for the honor of being called a 'real worker'. when i got that, the pain all went away. younger days, younger me.
i don't like that kind of pain anymore. and i don't see me liking it anytime soon.
most of the day yesterday, before work, i was in a low level of pain. my descriptor of that is, a deterring, nagging ache, slight flares from time to time. it spoke of pain to come later, but i mostly put that out of my mind. i didn't do much; in fact, i did nothing at all. took my shower eventually. made my lunch. prayed, meditated, watched some television. went to wal-mart to get something to throw into the lunch bucket. basic shit. but i knew...from walking the tiers on Friday, i wasn't going to have a good day on Saturday. and the prophecy you know is the one you most accurately profess.
i started out okay, but i always do. i can pull enough energy into me that i am able to move close to normal for the first part of my shift. the first hour is always a jumble. staff changing, saturday is a visiting day and there are salty residents either from visits or lack of. minimal supervision, as they don't work the weekends.
i did my rounds. got my operation requisites done as quick as possible. and then the issues begin. the back starts to hurt each time i stand. i adjust my pacing to accommodate the back pain, then the shins...THE SHINS...begin to hurt. that slows me further. eventually, usually by the midway point in the day, i am walking like an old, old man trapped in a 49 year old's body...that is to say, i'm moving faster than perhaps a regular octogenarian, but only relative to my reduced years, not because of better physical condition. at least, i think that's what i mean.
all this by 8pm. which leaves 4 hours to go.
by midnight, i'm moving by will alone. i don't want to stay seated, but i mostly do. then there's still the trek over to B side, down and up 19 concrete steps to log and store the urine samples taken from the residents earlier in the day. there's still the walk to the car, the drive home on ankles that are now screaming, the long linger in the driveway as i am hesitant every day about climbing two more flights of stairs to get to this futon, which does nothing for my back.
yes, it's a lot of bitching. i admit it. i acknowledge it. but because it's bitching does not make it false. it doesn't make this fabrication. this is where i am at right now.
it's Sunday morning now. i've been woke for several hours. but i'm still in bed. the cramps started this morning. i can't flex my feet too much, or i get severe cramps in my calves, shins and what not. i stood to go to the bathroom; my ankles protested severely.
i doubt if i'll make two hours before it gets bad today.
perhaps if i had something high dosage, something heavy duty by way of a pain medicine, i would be able to stave this off. but, see, that's the hook. that's the creation of the so-called opiate 'epidemic' that is feeding so many municipal and judicial brokerages as of late. start taking heavy pain meds, and you end up hooked on some shit you didn't want to be hooked on. Prince. MJ. so many others. and the choice is one of the harshest, most depressing truths in life. either chance an addiction to pain meds, or suffer and smile.
i don't know what i'm going to do.
i am grateful to God for life. but i am grateful not at all for this pain. i am sure that's not the right attitude, but like Fishbone said...it's just how i feel, man.
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