The Core

there has to be a core, an unmovable center, to who and what a person is.  if there is a solid core, it doesn't really matter what kind of affect is placed on for varying situations...the person can return to themselves when the event or situation has run its course.  the point, of course, is that the core must be solid and unmovable.  if not, then whatever the affect, there is a great danger it will assimilate the individual, rather than the other way around.

i'm glad that i've had some years to solidify my core.

i had a good day yesterday, but it was stressful.  work was stressful, anyway.  home was okay, just another day.  i'm trying to refer to this as 'home' more often, because whatever else it may be, it is where i lay my head, eat my hot meals and void my body.  it is not where my heart is, exactly, but those places are not my home either.  but a part of my heart is here, and therefore, it is close enough.

i got up yesterday feeling pretty good, considering.  i prayed and read the daily text from my phone, and i started my activity.  washed two loads of clothes, got my work stuff folded and basketed to be taken upstairs to hang.  got the large blanket and some wash cloths washed and into the dryer to be dealt with today.  early i'd gone to the store to get some lunch things, not wanting to continue with the same 'sandwich-chips-fruit-snack' variations i'd been doing since i started staying in the building and eating lunch on the fly.  nothing wrong with those things; i make a great sandwich.  but i like change, i am inspired to do other things.  so i got some things, but they didn't quite do the trick either.  today the trick will be done.  trust me.

i viewed my mother and father beginning to ready for their trip.  they leave wednesday, about 8am.  they have a ride to the airport.  that's a good thing.  my mom is taking her C-Pap machine.  that's a good thing too.

i got to work early, moreso than usual.  i'd stopped at Arby's to get a sandwich on my way to work, but they never even got my order into the computer and asked what i'd ordered at the drive-through window,so i said forget it and went to McD's.  not doing that shit again.  going to get back off fast food.  a crutch at best, a poison at worst, and a drug under any circumstances.  first step shit, for certain.

work was slow starting out.  got most of my Ops stuff done, breathalyzers and urine drops.  pat downs, that sort of thing.  the residuals from saturday lingered however, and made the day a burden as it began to drag on after about 2 hours.  same gents who went to the hospital on saturday were attempting to leave out again on sunday.  two of the three made it; the fourth did not.  and he threw the equivalent of a temper tantrum.  he was going to abscond, he didn't give a fuck anymore.  it did give me a chance to get some training in, some de-escalation stuff, just as the nonsense from the day before got me some room search experience.  but.  it sets a precedence.  when someone gets to the point of having to put on a 'show', which is what it was for the most part, it gets the rest of the residents in anticipatory mode.  they want to see the thing blow.  they want to watch the chaos; they in fact feed off of it.  so de-escalating a situation isn't just trying to keep someone from running.  it's trying to maintain control of the entire unit.  the only thing i can honestly say is that the gentleman in question was still there when i left.  i honestly don't believe i did or said anything that changed his mind.  i don't believe the situation he was asking to leave for was real; i think he was locked in the tableaux of his drama and didn't see where he could save face.  but it didn't happen, and i maintained control of the unit.

i took a gabapentin, trying to get the last of this gout pain out of my foot.  or neuropathic pain, whatever the case may be.  i woke today with a foot cramp, still sluggish from the pill.  i'm going to load up on some things for lunch today, and i'm going to have a good day.

i am very grateful to my Father for patience as i went through my changes, and for allowing me to keep my Tim intact...even my Toti.