two days after the 4th of July, bangs still echo in the distance. it's not all small fireworks. some of it is larger caliber firepower. they never report how many bodies they find after the Independence Day 'holiday'. they don't even report how many people go missing. i guess if they did, they'd have to cancel the holiday, and who really wants that? other than the children of the original occupants of this land mass, the children of the Mexicans who owned most of the southwest before it was annexed away from them, and the ancestors of the Africans kidnapped and forced into murderous slavery. but who cares what a bunch of wetbacks, niggers and redskins think anyway?
the ghetto is a world.
i'm about to be that guy in the picture again. i'm sick of so much right now. my dad and i are in a tense orbit around each other. i should let it go, but i can't. the whole issue of Syd going with her mother that brought him to a boil, ranting and raving to me, and then had him turn around and question my decision making skills to my mother, has not allowed me to just say 'forget it'. i'm tired of always being the one who drops the hook first. but i'm paying for this. the tension is likely a part of why my body hurts all the time.
i went to the doctor today. called in the morning, got an appointment for the morning. the office, a One Health Ohio satellite in Warren, is around the corner from the house of a girl i was 'seeing' from West. i don't know where to find her, and don't really need to. it's in the heart of a drug community. keep going down that road, you come to the GM plant, and the Lordstown community. once upon a time, it was an all white area, when the mills were making bank for the 'good citizens' (white males) who used to occupy the homes around the office. there are projects nearby, and there are businesses right up the street on 422. i wonder how the girl is doing sometimes. she is a white girl who was set to marry an African brother, but didn't mind sleeping with me. i don't know about myself sometimes.
the ghetto is a world.
i have not had a visit with or from Rachel since last week. not even quite sure when, only remember it was before i went to work one day, so it may have been last Friday. i'm bored in this now. she only wants to go to the casino. i don't have any interest in that. i don't have any interest in spending money to go weeks without having any time with her. i have no interest in listening to her speak on her children's disdain, her son's antipathy, her mother's denigrating or her life's burdens that require only some effort on her part to resolve. i don't know what i'm going to do about it. i do love her, but i have nothing to do in my off days with someone and if i want to do something, i have to ask her or tell her my plan. i'm not for that anymore. i don't know. i think a part of it is seeing how she is a reflection of this world, and the world has made me weary. i don't smoke weed. i don't do bars. i don't drink. i don't want to hustle from month to month. i have no interest in taking trips when i can't get my bills paid. i don't see any enjoyment in any of that. but these are her meat and potatoes, seems like. and its the way of the world more than anything else.
the ghetto is a world.
now, i go back tomorrow to this miserable place. the longer i am here, the more i am convinced that my people are a lost cause. i hear the world 'nigger' so much i'm sure i'm dreaming it by now. all profiling, all preening with all substance hidden for fear. snatches of rap songs babbled like poltergeist voices from the crypts their minds have become. trying to get over when there's nothing to be gained by the actions they take. placing a dome over a micro-cosmic portion of society, you see the worst of it continuously, and it makes you aware that there are bad things everywhere, just spaced further so it can do more secret harm.
my body still hurts. i feel cramps about to happen. i'm so tired you wouldn't believe it. i'm going to cue up a meditation video and hope for dreamless and peaceful sleep. but i have my doubts. my nose is running, my mind is grumbling and i am aching. i am grateful, even if it doesn't show through.
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