BATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when you really, really need them, the little things ain't all that little, are they?

you can condemn yourself to the place where fate or luck or coincidence work against you constantly, and your misery will not only be almost instantly bought and paid for, but you will quickly build a surplus of negativity you won't soon rid yourself of.  or, you can know that the wheel turns, the ball spins and drops, and sometimes it lands on red...and sometimes it lands on black.  and depending on where you've laid your bet, you win, you lose, but if you're alive to bet again, you won something, my friend.

today, i took a bath.  i am happy.  that's all it took for me.

i got up and heard the parents leaving, but i hadn't been summoned to help load the car.  so i listened, cramping in my feet, wearied by the pain (wrote on that earlier, i think), just wondering what it would really be like to have two weeks without the folks here.

i had spoken to VF about how immature i felt, having a giddiness about their approaching departure, hoping that i was more mature than all that.  but i'm happy to say, the Risky Business/Ferris Bueller thing never materialized.  i got up eventually, and realized the house sounded...hollow.  it sounded like emptiness.  and then i gleaned a sad reality that apparently i'd missed along the way.  my mom, my dad...they are the heart of this house.  '...comfort me through all this madness...'

my aunt was downstairs watching the television when i got up.  i did my normal routine, to be honest.  washed dishes, made myself some breakfast after i took my meds, gathered the trash.  i left and went to my meeting.  i went to lunch with Lonnie.  Rachel called and was waiting for her youngest to call but she had gotten her oldest daughter home and her mom off to AZ.  i came home and took a shower, watched some television.  ate some leftovers.  Rachel stopped for a few, and then had to be on her way.
and then...the BATH.

nothing too special about it, honestly.  some foaming Vanilla Honey bubble bath, some lavender scented epsom salt, a candle, my phones and a pink scented candle.  small notebook.  pen.  razor blade.  i shaved first, then ran a HOT bath and climbed slowly into my bubbles and healing stuff.  glorious.  i soaked, i refilled, i made some beats for a song i'm going to finish.  took a gabapentin to try to fight off the rest of this neuropathy or gout or whatever the fuck it is.  and i'm going to go to sleep.  end of story.
the air was off and the house was stifling.  turned it on to 75.  downstairs is okay now.  upstairs, my eyes close, sleep beckons, a song by Lord Huron has captured my fancy.   it has been a great day, and i am grateful to Jehovah for the privilege of seeing it through.  good night.