And Jehovah proceeded to answer Job out of the windstorm and say: “Who is this that is obscuring counselBy words without knowledge? Gird up your loins, please, like an able-bodied man,And let me question you, and you inform me. Where did you happen to be when I founded the earth?Tell [me], if you do know understanding.
that's from the 38th chapter of Job, where God decides to put Job in check. its the part most people miss. everyone wants to say 'i have the patience of Job', but for me, and this is just me, by my reckoning, Job isn't about patience, and it's not about faith. the lesson of Job is the same lesson Moses had to learn: there is no point where you stop doing what God tells you to do, without question, without hesitation, and without interpretation. God don't need Moses, Job or Tim to translate for him. end of story.
So i'm up. it's Wednesday, finally! i am off today and trying to start productively. some developments are occurring, and they will be mentioned in this entry, but the cool thing is not having to go to work today. i've never looked forward to a day off so much in i don't know how long...especially since i've not worked so much in so long.yesterday...what was the deal? i got up still hobbling. but i continued to pray and i've tried, through most of my entries, to find gratitude. i know the lesson of Job. i didn't do breakfast, i just got myself up, got myself dressed and went, eventually, to take TP to her dentist appointment. plan was to take her to her appointment, crash out a bit in the car while she was there, go back to her place, crash out a bit there, and then go to work. grab lunch for the bucket along the way. but she likes to talk, and she misses my company i gather. i'm not the greatest friend these days, but i'm not even really good company to myself, so i don't know what people expect. and she's consistent: she complains, that is her thing. though, to be fair, she's not as complaining as she was when i backed away from her. low drama is still my core mantra. anyway, she talked, and i listened. and she went into her dental appointment, and i went to taco bell and got some lunch for my stomach, not the bucket. had a chicken sandwich that i'd brought, and just needed some accouterments to go with it for the evening. but i needed to eat something. then i nodded...for all of a minute, which i know because Joe Jackson's 'Stepping Out', one of my favorite MTV era songs, came on and was still on when she woke me to leave. so we went to Walgreen's to fill her scripts and that took longer but i found my accouterments while we were there. then we went to her apartment and i just waited, reading, until time to go. it was too late to try to capture sleep. but i did get two Vicodin from her, which was a boon to my situation. and i know, non-prescribed medicine...boo, hiss. i tell you this as honestly as i can: i don't give a fuck. i don't take a fucking thing if i'm not in an excessive level of pain. i don't ask doctors for scripts based on made-up symptoms and shit. and i'm not saying that it's right, any more right than it was for me, at times, to sell my pain meds because i wasn't working and had to buy groceries for my home, being out of work at the time. i'm saying i do what i have to do. and i don't lie about it. in fact, i only took one pill. and i went to work. and i was still hurting. found a great deal on some Walgreen's brand liquid-cap acetaminophen tablets, and i got those too. but the pain was with me in the early part of the shift. nice thing about Vicodin, apparently; they sneak up on you. by the third hour, i was functioning better. i was never completely pain free, but i was pain-manageable. and i'll take that. i'll take that when the option is to agonize with each step. in fact, the point of this is, i went down the stairs on B side to log my urine drops for the day, with very little discomfort. the day before, my right calf reminded me i was fucked up. so i got through. and i came home. and i took a shower. and i went to bed. i took a gabapentin, because i'm still working on getting this neuropathy under control. put on a nice meditation video and drifted, woke once, got myself straightened out on the bad futon, and faded for the rest of the night. and now i'm up. it's wednesday. i put word out about my secretary covering the meeting today. i am waiting to hear from Rachel, i would like to spend some time. i am washing clothes at the moment. i'm hungry. i am hurting, mostly in my left foot. i'm cool though. and i'm blessed. this is not the worst i've been through. it's not even close. and i am actually appreciated at work, which is a wonderful feeling. i know i'm not as sharp as i used to be mentally. but really, does the world call for genius these days? if you're smarter than the fucking television, you've got a good start on being able to see around the corners. and that's all you can really ask for, in my experience.
thank you, Father, and thank you also for reminding me i was not around when You put the plans together for the world...or my life, for that matter.
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