sometimes, it just is what it is, as in the example here. this is exhaustion and playing through pain as best as i can. this is a decision, by my supervisor yesterday, to have me on the B side, which is the 3 tier system, 38 concrete steps, all concrete floors. this is pain that radiates from the soles of my feet upward. this is knives that seem to stab up into me with each step, as if i were some goddamned mermaid not content to swim the seas. this is exhaustion, lack of motivation, this is the selling of a soul and realizing that gold ain't shit.
this is all that and more. and i can add nothing to it, and sadly, i can take nothing significant away from it. this is my life now. i'm not sure how much longer i'm going to allow it to be.
yesterday was a hard day to get through. counseling, for the first time in a long time, was a very sad and depressing affair. not VF's fault; my mind is busy putting away the happy things so they are not contaminated by the bullshit that i'm swimming through. i was honest, though. i was truthful about how this is just like a prolonged meditation on the substance of unhappiness. when we were done, i just went back to my parent's house. i'd gone to wal-mart when i first woke up to get some lunch stuff, and i had to stop at family dollar briefly after counseling to get something i'd forgotten in the morning, but other than that? i was down for the day. lunch was made and waiting to be packed. i had another 3pm training session, so i knew it was going to be a longer day than usual. i didn't feel like pleasantries. i texted Rachel a good morning and kept it at that..
when it was time, i packed my lunch, took a to-go cup of coffee and split. went to Arbys to get something to tide me over for the early part of the day. went to the training session, falling asleep through the reiteration of things i've been taught since i've been working there. heard more about the growing tension between the black and white residents with nothing said about a resolution, or even a plan. stupid. then on to work. i was put on B side, as i said in the beginning. i have to do more because the young man who is also a new hiree does little to nothing. i'm not resentful at him; he knows little to nothing. i am, however, hurting. i have to do head counts, that means climbing to the top tier several times at least. i have to give meds and take urine and do other things, that means descending to the lower level a couple of times. and if i wasn't hurting constantly, perhaps it wouldn't be as bad, but i am.
i got through it though. i do that. i get through. and i'm woke now. sleep not as bad as it could have been. meds taken, prayers said, about to take a shower and get breakfast in and lunch made. then 'm shutting it down again. not going to try to keep moving forward with anything. i trust Jehovah will show me what road i'm supposed to be on, and i am grateful to Jehovah to be on any road at all. when i know what to change, i will work toward changing it. that's all i can do for now.
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