there is a lingering effect that letting go creates. you rarely ever just release a person. you are always entangled in memories of some sort, and the greater the affection was, the more powerful those memories are going to be. you don't just stop seeing a person, because you see them everywhere in everything you do. and you don't just lose them in the forest of your heart, because when you love someone, your heart is not a forest any longer; it's a clearing. with a small house and a fence and all the trimmings of cohabitation.
so, i miss Rachel. and a part of me really wants to go back, to see if maybe the mask can be tightened, or rotated so that it no longer reveals what's just beneath the surface. that would be good. but it wouldn't be good enough. so, i sit, a silent phone, knowing her phone from me is just going silent now. unless she paid the bill, in which case she is doing well. but i have a million pictures of her. and i have a billion images of her in my head, i can't delete those. so i just breathe. and i talk about what i want to do but won't, and what i wish was happening but isn't. but it's wednesday now, and i'm still here, and it's one breath, one heartbeat at a time. and i'm grateful to God it doesn't have to be more than that. because i'm at the limit of my strength and sanity already. it's just how it goes.
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