none of this is incompatible, and none of it is truly integrated either. stands to reason, however, that life is what it is, and it does what it does, and does not require my permission at any given time to happen. i can live with that today.
my back hurts. on Monday, i helped the residents move a pool table back into place. i knew that i shouldn't, but if you're not willing to do a thing that you're not paid for, you can't honestly ask someone to do something that they're not going to be paid for. so i kept it moving. prescription ibuprofen, which is hard on the kidneys, but it is okay for the pain. my legs are aching. i don't know if cramps give way with audible separation sounds, like velcro in the hands of an irate toddler, but that's the sound my calf sorta made when i was walking from my car to throw trash away yesterday. i'd been cramping, possibly from the pool table exertion, and was stiff while waiting to pick up this chicken from the store for the residents.
chicken? yes, chicken. more on that in a minute.
so i felt something give way, and stumbled a bit, and it never really took mobility away from me, but i limped through the day at work, and i don't like that. i hate a show of weakness, especially in the presence of predators, even when they don't know that's what they are.
so, the chicken.
on Monday, a resident who doesn't give me any problems, asked if i could bring him some chicken from a store called Jordans, down the street from where i work. it's actually Jordan Market, but of course it's called Jordans because. you're not supposed to do these things, but i tend not tot think about 'supposed' to do's. i rather focus on benefit and harm balance. it was the 4th, a holiday for many. i could give a fuck less about it myself, but that's me. men locked up on various charges, in a halfway house, not a visiting day, so no family, no friends. the usual shenanigans without the structure of classrooms or case management meetings, because it's a holiday. so, while i would not bring one resident some chicken, i would happily bring a treat for each resident that i could. which is what i did.
getting a roaster of chicken into the place i work wasn't hard. keeping what i was doing to myself was more difficult, but i managed. and they enjoyed it. i eventually revealed to my supervisor what i'd done, and i was lightly admonished for it. i didn't really care though. truth is, what i mostly got was a level of gratitude that was uncomfortable. it is still a sad reality to me, though it doesn't really make me sad anymore, that a kindness toward someone actually has a gravitational weight to it. kindness should be an expectation, not an exception. but it's not. it is a strange, weird light in a dark world, and that is a sad, sick truth. i had no real issues from these residents for the rest of the day. i had no problems, we had no issues. i did the job, i asked them to do what they were scheduled to do and they did it. no issues. chicken.
anyway, the fourth of July. for a lot of people, there is a growing awareness. i am always kind of glad to see that white people are not surrendering their heritage in the matter. the history of this country gives so much weight toward Independence day. but, there's no getting around the fact that the underlying meaning of the event is WHITE MALE RULE OVER EVERY OTHER LIVING THING ON THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT day. not blacks. not Indigenous peoples. not even women, not even White Women. just white men, who slaughtered the Natives, enslaved the Africans and put just about every other culture at one time or another into indentured servitude of one kind or another. so, what is the reason for me to celebrate? why am i supposed to feel giddy? i was raised without holidays, and while i've never been baptized, i do believe it was for the best, as it gave me room to look in on some things from a fair outside perspective and see them for what they really are.
i'm about to go to the store. still grilling later. tired, as i said, but i feel good enough to do what must be done. thank you, Father, for a new day.
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