in the chapter 'Into Action' of the Big Book of AA, there is a part that has been selected for reading at various meetings and has been nicknamed 'The Promises'. some people call it the 12 promises, but that is inaccurate. some people think that 'the promises' are something that you get just because you're sober, but as with all educational reading, context counts for much. as a fact, the promises are a summation of many of the mental changes of perception that a person will experience if they've worked the first 8 steps and are in the process of making the amends needed for the wrongs they've done the people in their lives. it is the effect of repairing damage. and one of those promises states, '...we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us...', which is what i am endeavoring to do right now.
i hate that i made my counselor sad. i hate that i broke down as i did, especially since i feel no better. but i know i do not control my emotional state anymore than i control anyone else's. i hate that i feel this way, i truly do. i hate that the lyrics, "I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you", keep running through my head. i hate that i've got images of my ending floating around in my mind. this is worth none of that. this is not even a misunderstanding; it is, if anything, a misapplied understanding. but i am human. i am not immune to stupidity, even my own. especially my own, i guess.
i came home and went back to bed after counseling. it's 2 hours later now. it'd be easy to sabotage. it'd be easy to say, okay, i'm a wreck, fuck work. it'd even be easy to call off. but i'm not going to do it. and the reason i'm not going to do it is that i have done no wrong in this. well, i've not done Rachel a wrong. i have lived the way i have chosen to live, loved whom i have chosen to love, done the actions that have made sense to me. VF made the observation that its a lot like Rachel's gambling at the casino, and that's the truth. i've put my money in and pulled the handle. it's hit enough for me to continue investing.
one difference, though, and i'm going to hold on to this as the line between this mad dimension and the one i'm trying to return to.
i have actually been winning more than i'm giving myself credit for.
i didn't do to Rachel what makes her that way. but i had something good with her more than i had bad things. before now, the worst part was her extended absences.
i have written a lot, and i've thought and processed and created a framework for some good and awesome things to come. i've done that, by Jehovah's grace, the entire time i've been dealing with her.
i am currently employed. i have raised Syd to grown. i do have things still to say, this is material that will one day make a great book. and i am a better person than i was when i met Rachel. i believe that.
so, while i kept in this one casino, it was not a constant. it wasn't the only thing i did. and the other stuff actually turned out to be winners for me.
the choice belongs to me. grieve for the period of grief, and then get back to living. or feel sorry for myself for an extensive period, and neglect the work.
i'm going to get up and start getting ready for my work day. what else is there to do?
thank you, Vivian. Thank you, Father.
i don't think this is going to be the thing that's going to kill me.
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