you want to believe that it's not just random shit, it's not just happenstance or coincidence that leads you to the dark place, but that you have somehow made some bad choices that have inadvertently placed you on a bad road.
but you know both things are true. you do have choices. and shit still happens.
i am not even going to try to 'get over' Rachel.
everything i've ever felt about her, i still feel. everything i've loved about her haunts me in its absence right now. but it's not for me to fix. that's the thing i've learned.
a long time ago, i was an amend maker from hell. i would apologize and try to fix shit that i knew i hadn't broken. i'd do it because i wanted peace, i wanted friends, i wanted love. something in me kind of snapped when it came to Chris, something made me admit to myself that i'd issue no apologies, for i'd done nothing wrong. not that none of my actions were ill-advised, mind you. but i'd done nothing to facilitate our separation, and i didn't need to make an amend for that.
i find myself in the same space now. i know only that if anything were ever to reconvene between Rachel and myself, she would have to come across the divide she's refused to cross for all these years. i'm not going to try to fix what ain't broke. i'm not going to ask for what she's not prepared to give. and i'm ready to hurt for the next month or the next decade, whatever the case may be. i don't think it will be that long, though. but worst case scenario, i'm not going to pretend that things can be made right by me. and since i don't believe she wants back on this hook, i'm going to run the gamut of emotions and get ready for further life. because, what else is there to do?
i'm tired and in pain, i will continue to be both. i am going to try to get on and stay on point tomorrow. we'll see how that goes. meanwhile, i thank my Father for a day that was more normal than most have been lately. i needed a break from myself. more tomorrow.
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