today was fairly nondescript. the interesting points were the fact that i quit working at CCA today, i finished the conversation with my dad that has been hanging silently for the better part of the last week, i made my boss at CCA worried about me (unintentional) and i found a bunch of stuff at garage sales that only added to my melancholy. i really have to find a bed still, it is time for me to move on to the next phase.
so i got up, around seven today, and i said my prayer. i got moving rather slowly, because i had counseling, and i had already decided to email my boss and let her know i wasn't coming back to work. i got out of the bed, went down to take my meds and insulin. i did not make my mom a pot of coffee, because i did so yesterday before she woke up and when she did get up she thought it was old and poured it out and made another fresh pot. i surmised she could take care of it herself and went to get some breakfast and to counseling.
counseling was sad. my counselor gave me a nice housewarming hanging, a blessing for my home. i was sad because honestly, i didn't feel like i deserved a blessing, the way i've been feeling lately. but i am grateful, because it is a very thoughtful and spirit-based gift, and i am going to hang it when i get to my place tomorrow. after counseling, i went to a rummage sale at a church, got a crock pot and a toaster and started yard sailing (my term. there's also garage sailing, which is what i actually did, and thrift whoring, which i like most) i hit four of them, have dishes, a mixer with bowl and attachments, silverware, glasses, a stock pot and a tambourine. i also have a kitchen table now. that's a find, and it's going to help with a part of this process.
tomorrow, i'm gathering things from the basement and getting them loaded, and then i'm going to take them to the house and start setting up. that's the plan, other than find more sales, try to find a queen sized bed and hope that Rachel got the email about the steam heaters that i found that she needs for her mother's house. i didn't buy them; just got a contact number and took pictures of them.
the talk with my dad started as me leaving my job did, with a letter. i wrote out how i was feeling yesterday and had intended to print it and give it to him. not as a way of passively communicating, mind you, but because i can write without emotionalism, whereas in a freefall conversation i usually end up angry and biting words to keep from being disrespectful. we talked and i felt like i got my point across. i don't think he's really going to change because of one conversation, as no previous conversation has done that particular trick, but i do believe i've given it all i've got. then we went to Goodwill for their half-off weekend and to a neighbors where i found my kitchen table. my brother and his grandsons came and got the table and we all went to my house and put it in.
so, that's been my day. i'm in need of a shower (morning). i'm going to go to more sales tomorrow. i've got Syd coming to help in the morning (perhaps). i just want to get to where i can spend one night there. that will give me all i need to know. but its a good start. i believe that in my heart.
i am blessed, and i am grateful. i'm just more blessed than i know, and nowhere near as grateful as i should be. but i'm trying, Father. you know my heart.
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