Journey Man

there is no magic.

there is no wand to wave, no spell or incantation.  there is no portent, no rune, no stigma or fetish, no totem that will grant the power to instantly change hurt to forget, change fat to thin, sad to happy.  there is no such magic.

there is time, work and endurance.  but there is no magic.

two weeks later, and Rachel is as strong in my mind as she ever was.  in my own life, i've set up icons of her everywhere, and i am having to swallow an overdose of bitter pills.  but i am also beginning to change my perspective.

how long does a person need to labor to make the point that they are in great discomfort?  how long do they put their own -isms and neuroses aside to accommodate your own?  and how can you hate someone who has actually loved you so much they were willing to die a little just to allow you to live a little more?

and isn't that just the most flowery bullshit?  of course it is, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have elements of truth in it.

i miss Rachel terribly.  and life is going on.  i've left my boss a message today, calling off.  need one more day.  need to process, make payments, assess the future.  i don't want to go back at all, not after Tuesday's insanity, which will replicate over and over.  but i am not opposed to working.  just want people to start seeing what's really going on.  and that's unrealistic.  it's wanting people to do what i want them to do.  i've no control over people, places and things.  Recovery 101.

yesterday i waited all day for the dude who's supposed to do my brakes to get in touch, only to find at the end of the day he was unable to make it.  i hate doing business that way.  but i'm trying to bring my car up to snuff.  i want her road ready.  i want her to be on call to just jump up and go asap.

i did pray, i did eat better, managed to toss a salad into the mix.  (toss...salad.  right?)  i spent some time with my mom.  day was okay. didn't get to roll my dad where he had to go, waiting for mechanic and shit.  but i slept a lot. and i am now possessed of a cold, which is due to the house being freezing again.

if only for that reason, i'm ready to move.  i'm ready to start working on my grandparent's house, which will soon be my house.

i don't know.  i have so much work ahead of me.  don't know how much time i have, or how much it will take, but i have to get the last table set.

this journey has been instructive, i can say that much.  it's pretty interesting...when you break orbit, when you decide to fire up the engines and fly, you see things that you never saw before, though they were always right in front of your face.  you learn lessons that have been waiting for you to learn them. and you change, you become.  that's the best part of the deal, the becoming.  it's the most painful part of the deal too.

its almost time for counseling.  i'm tired, it's cold in this basement and i miss Rachel.  but I'm grateful to Jehovah, i'm blessed and i'm not paralyzed with loss.  so let's do this day.