i have observations to make, things that are on my mind. it has been a productive enough day, but my head is still researching certain things, and i need to get some of this out in order to make sense of things for myself. it's not that i just HAVE to know, as its not always my place to make those sorts of demands on either God or the universe. but if it is within my ability to understand something clearly, then i'd like to do so. i don't believe there's anything wrong with that.
first off, since breakfast i did some things that were pretty productive, but i could have done more. i got the wifi hooked up, got my devices online. i got the bed set up, and i even took a brief nap. i went to the flea market, but i didn't find the speaker wire i was looking for, so i couldn't hook up the stereo, but i'll get that tomorrow. i also didn't wash any clothes. but i will go to the basement tomorrow, take down these clothes that need washed as a trial run kind of thing, and then by wednesday i'll have my clothes here.
i did cook, chicken baked and dressing from scratch and green beans and mushrooms. had apple pie and ice cream for dessert. my brother didn't make it; didn't hear from him at all. but Lonnie came by. he brought me some house warming stuff, a can opener, a whisk, dishcloths and towels. very thoughtful, a kitchen knife. he had dinner and dessert and he hung out a while and we talked. he left about 8 i guess. i came in and closed up and am back in bed, in the front room. i am tired, but i want to get this done. i have to get my habits back in right order, in right direction. i don't know of any other way to really start making sense of my life again.
like, this is as alone as i've been in years and years. i have, since i've gotten sober, always been in the proximity of someone or other, parents, girlfriend, children, wife, etc. now, i wake up to my thoughts and my prayer and whatever comes down the pike for the day. breakfast was cool, dinner was cool, the flea market was okay. but i just never thought this would be my solo time. and that it is is not coincidence; i don't believe in that. it is what has come to pass, and therefore it is the way it's supposed to be at the moment. Lonnie spoke existentially, as in this is just what i'm choosing for myself, it's where i've chosen to be at this time. true enough, but it is in the path of me seeking God's will, at least i think it is.
it also clarifies to me that i don't have a great deal of friends anymore. well, it exemplifies it. i could backtrack; i could apologize for having feelings, for being human. i could make amends to things i didn't break. i'm not perfect, not by a damn sight. but i try to own the things i do, and i am in the habit now of letting people be where they are if they can't see me when i'm right in front of them. so, yes, i could try to make things 'right' with a whole lot of people. but that would not appease the sense inside me that i am in need of someone to give a damn just because i'm worth that damn, or someone should be here or come visit just because i might like a bit of company, or some help cleaning, or whatever. oh well.
thank you, Father, for a good start.
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