...bite the goddamned bullet...

...seems like i am not going to be able to shake these blues, no matter what.  i'm so fucking tired of this underneath sadness that travels the entire day with me.  i just want to stop moving, and i can't seem to find any friends who will listen.  other than Lonnie.  maybe i really am just a ghost in my own life now, maybe i'm somewhere dead, just watching the last of this play out before my eyes before the pain stops and everything is orderly again.  i don't know.  suicide sounds so stupid, to just cancel the ticket in the middle of the ride. but what if the ride has no better place than where i've been?  what if there's nothing more exciting than what i've lost?  what's the point in continuing if that is the truth?

i got up with no inclination to go to the house today.  so i got up rather slow.  i went to take my meds, heated up my mom's coffee and had a small omelet and toast for breakfast.  i came back to the attic, got some clothes on and tried to figure the direction of the day.  likely my first mistake, trying to figure out what i should do instead of just letting God roll the day out and i just work on being ready.

we had our noon meeting, and that was okay, and we were done early which was okay too.  i took myself to lunch and then i went and did the shopping my mother asked me to.  i got different stuff than my dad would routinely get, i made my mom and dad lasagna and salad for dinner, and had my mother cutting up vegetables for salads, to put in small containers and put in the fridge for when she needs quick ingredients for breakfast or lunch.  i hope it helps some.

i went to check the house, they'd picked up the trash, also a good thing.  i came home,watched some television and i'm in bed as i have a very early doctor's appointment tomorrow morning.

hard to finish this.

i think the hesitation at this point, the thing that keeps me from just getting in the process of finding things, like my bed (all i really need at this point) is that i have to be alone after this.  and the alone is all encompassing, or it will be broken by one more compromise.  and i'm mentally at the place where i realize...i can't afford either scenario.  i can't take the thought of waking and falling asleep all alone.  i can't take the thought that when i go to bed, there is no Rachel to talk to, that when i wake up, there is no Rachel to call.  i also can't let myself bend and believe that anything is going to change if i approach her again.  all that will be different is that i will show that i can be played, and i will always feel a bit of contempt for myself.  one thing not to ever stand; a whole nother thing to stand and then sit down again.

a nice trap.  a clever cage constructed from the inside out.

i fear i truly have just prepared my dying place.

and if so, i know exactly how much longer i'm going to be playing out my life before my dying eyes.

or maybe i'm just out of my mind today.  i don't know.  she's everywhere i've been lately, so she's everywhere i go.

i'm not grateful enough.  i'm trying, Father, but i don't know if i'm going to make it.