Ponder

pondering.
necessary at this time, to process information and come up with something coherent, something that makes a difference in what actions will be taken in the days to come.  change happens whether i want it to or not, and don't think that means i don't want things to change.  it only means, at this time, that i need to understand what is the best thing to happen, and what is the thing that will be of the most benefit to the most people, rather than what will only benefit me.  however, that decision has been made for me, i'm afraid.

or not afraid.  hard to say.

when i got up yesterday, my parents were home.  they had  come in early Wednesday morning, about 1:30 or so.  i helped bring their bags in the house, brought my dad's suit bag up the stairs and went to bed.  that was all the energy i had in me.  i had just got off work, i had went to Walmart to get stuff for them to eat quickly and somehow my leg was hurting from the short walk across the parking lot to the store.  go figure.

earlier in the day, work was a mess.  no other word for it.  i got into work for our shift change meeting and they were still in the process of moving residents over to B side.  when my day started, i had a number of urines that had to be collected, i had a new resident who was only half processed, i had a resident who was moving, calls were forwarded to my phone, the job coordinator person (who's a cousin of mine, or at least an old family friend, but we don't speak at work because, well, i guess, it's work) was in my work space doing her stuff and adding to my work load without telling me what was going on, residents were coming in from their jobs and had to be processed in, residents had to be notified of the urine specimens that needed to be collected from them so it could be done in a timely fashion, the head count had to be done for the first time in my shift and i needed to see what all had to be done according to what had yet to be done from earlier in the day.  that is how my tuesday started.  most of that is how every workday begins for me, and usually i handle it.  but there is no real understanding that i am one person doing all this stuff within the first twenty minutes of walking on the job.  some people build to that level during their shift, but i have been, from what i can see, the only person who starts with an overload of responsibility and has it dwindle down by the passing of the first hour.  so they keep adding more chaos to my mix.  i had thrown down my clipboard and the phone and just sat, staring at the ceiling, for at least 30 minutes, waiting for my boss to come back to A side so we could talk.  i told her i was a hair's breadth away from quitting due to the aforementioned events.  now they plan on adding a person to my side.  they say that had been their plan all along, but i don't actually believe them.  though that could be the truth:  they just hired two huge brothers (black men) over the past week, and i've no doubt most of it is in response to the Skinhead thing on the other side that was developing.  i still believe in my heart they're handling that shit all wrong, but i don't get paid to believe, i get paid to babysit.

anyway, i got through the day.  and i have been putting in applications.  and i've been considering whether this is really a level of stupidity and stress that i need to deal in.  it seems that as i get older i have much less tolerance for such nonsense.  and that's all it amounts to.  they say they want us all on the same page, but they don't train for the same page.  they don't even really train for the same chapter.  the ones who've been there for any length of time have reached the level of their own understanding of the job and are not likely to change according to expectations recently developed by the administration.  at the same time, the new hirees (such as myself) are being trained by an unqualified person to do a hypothetical job performanance in a situation that does not even exist.  and by the time you realize that the situation is nothing like the trainer is positing to you, you've begun to move toward entropy. that is the way it is, and as the song says, some things will never change.

on the other side of the world, i got some service work started on my car yesterday.  i knew it was time to tend to some long-neglected maintenance, so i had actually began tuesday before work.  not going into all that though; i got new tires and finally got the oil changed.  all necessary stuff.  today i'm going to get my brakes done, tired of all the squealing when i stop the car.  i'm going to see if i have at least one last disability payment so i can get the rest of this stuff done, because winter is coming and i intend to be ready for it.  speaking of which...

as i began, things have changed.  my grandfather's house is now available, for the most part, and my intention is to move in.  i have to get things and i have to do things to make that a reality.  it's so funny, though.  had this happened in April, i'd have the things from my apartment and very likely Rachel and i would not be apart now.  but that might have just been continuing to delay the inevitable.  factually speaking, i will be moving there alone.  i will have to get some things done, some things that i've not had to do in a very long time. but i will be going home.  home, as in the place where my heart will be, home as in the last time i plan to move before i leave this world.  home.  my mom is very upset by this, and she's blaming my dad, but it's not really on him.  i had a talk with them both yesterday, about whether they wanted me to stay here or not.  of course they're on different sides of the issue, but both agree that i need to have room to work on my shit.  haven't been writing.  haven't been selling books.  just been doing the auto-pilot thing.  its funny, too, because this is how i'm going to start my actual time of not being an 'active' parent.  i mean, the school year begins next month, i won't have a child to get ready for school.  i won't have someone to get on a schedule of doing this and that.  it will just be me.  and is that really what i want?

i'm going to pray this morning, and i'm going to think on some of these things.  but as i said, its sort of been settled on.  i don't have much to move.  that's a good thing.  and i suppose, if i take my time, i can have it all done within a week, two at the most.  accumulate some pieces here and there, but i have to see the house again, see it with my own eyes to know what i want to do with it.  it's just time.  as i told my parents, i want to bring my grandfather's elephant home.  i am thankful to Jehovah for being patient with me and for increasing my patience, and i am asking His guidance so that i might do the right thing in this situation.  i really miss Rachel.