sad things...

to discover that you actually need to paint your pain a gaudy fluorescent pink and throw it at most people's heads before they begin to see that perhaps you actually have pain, and that perhaps they may be a bit negligent in knowing that, is one of the most sad and sorry discoveries a person can have.

to be at a point where that's not a discovery but simply one more fact of life is much more sad, but by that point the numbness has likely set in.

this wasn't a bad day.  it was a day of realizations and a day of getting honest with myself.  i got up and moved pretty slow, but i moved.  made coffee, got my prayer in, made my way to the north side pretty early.  i was up and down all night, and though the reality of sleeping in a bed again is heaven itself, my bladder was urging me to experience the sensations while in motion.  so i was up and down, in and out of sleep and i decided after a point to just get up.  i didn't make breakfast because i didn't want the same thing i had yesterday, though i'll likely have a variation of it tomorrow morning.  i went to Walmart, got a toilet seat and speaker wire and a disc cleaner, and i went to my parent's house. got the paper from the box and went in to take care of what i could.

i found my mom sitting at the kitchen table, pondering making a pot of coffee while speaking to her youngest.  i made her coffee, made her an omelet, put away food articles from the previous day, washed the dishes and put the dry ones away, took the trash out, started and finished dinner for them and took a shower and shaved.  i finished cooking dinner, changed clothes, gathered up a few more things and made my way back east again.

i wrote a thing on FB about how i've been feeling (a season of loss) and just vented about where i am and what's going on inside my head.  no details.  i don't want to share that stuff out, because people have had a chance to ask and mostly have not.  so now, when i say something directly, people start to ask, and while it may seem to be the responsible thing to do, i stated that i was asking for no sympathy, empathy nor understanding, but just voicing something that's been living in my head.

i heated dinner, have washed three loads, dried two and brought one up the stairs.  i've put speakers on my stereo but it's still not reading the disc and i don't want to open it up and see about cleaning the eye, so i'm just going to leave it as a better radio for now.  i have eaten, had dessert and washed my dishes.  i didn't change the toilet seat because i lack pliers, but i'll get a pair tomorrow and take care of it.

don't think i'm doing much tomorrow.  going to get these clothes finished. maybe wash the mattress upstairs so i can set up the bedroom.  go buy dinner and cook for myself.  do some reading, that would be nice.  i put in some applications today, and i am getting tired now.  i'm grateful to have been able to cook for my folks.  i thank you, Jehovah, for bringing me through this day, regardless of me.