loss, love and life in the light years

i'm not sure where i'm going with this one, so the title will have to make itself known by the end.

today i tried to get more of my life back on track, but i have no solid answers to recent questions, i'm still just as sad though more manageable, and i now have to consider what i want my next step to be employment wise.  i so miss the days of getting up, hitting the gym, making coffee and sitting down to write.

i got up this morning and i said my prayer.  i didn't cramp up yesterday, which was no minor blessing, but i woke with my foot hurting, gout/neuropathy, whatever, and i just decided to roll with the plan.  so i got myself medicated, slightly caffienated, i ate the rest of my dinner from the night before.  i came back upstairs to chill briefly and when my aunt left for work i got busy.

i went outside, moved my mom's car to her parking spot (my brother had it kinda wide out in the driveway), and i washed my inside windows.  i went to the car wash and ran her through, and i went to my Sunday meeting.  it was nice to go, as i haven't been there in forever it seems.  but an acquaintance, a gentleman who is the former secretary of our Wednesday meeting, came through and said during comments that his wife had died.  she had sought to end her own life by ingesting drain cleaner and apparently succeeded though not in a timely fashion due to medical intervention.  he was very sad, and i was as empathetic as i could be.  Grief, i've said before, makes you selfish.  but i talked to him afterward and i will do so again in the near future.  i am sorry for his loss.

i had stopped at a DG to get a travel mug as i forgot mine at home and i filled up with coffee from the meeting.  i went to Sparkle to get lunch, and i stopped at BK to get something to tide me over.  work was boring, the usual bullshit, but i just couldn't get my head in the game today.  i kept thinking about my friend losing his wife, about her daughter who is his adopted daughter, about grief and loss and of course about Rachel.  i thought about the repetition of my job.  children bored do stupid things to see 'what will happen'.  that is the summation of my job.  it is boring and tedious, and it grates against the sensibilities as if one is seeking to turn their own brain into confetti.

i got through the night and the plan is to get through tomorrow as well.  i am hurting though.  i took a gabapentin when i got in, and i'm about to go to sleep.  that will determine quite a bit of my itinerary tomorrow, but i  want to get my oil changed and start looking at what comes next.  i also want to start shooting scenes for this video, to the song i wrote.  some experimentation, to see what we can see.

i am grateful.  the ground continues to balk, and i am still here.  by Jehovah's grace, i am here and grateful and i have to remember that at all times.

i hope Rachel is okay.

Remainder

when you reach a point where darkness encroaches everywhere you look, and you are on the last vestiges of hope that you possess, you have to grab on to something...damn near anything...to remind you that you are of a value that cannot be measured, that you have survived calamities you do not even know existed, and that you are precious, not only in the eyes of your Creator, but also in the eyes of many of your Terran brothers and sisters.  it is imperative that the human animal knows this.

today i got up and said my prayer.  my legs were cramping, my heart was dark, but i said my prayer.  i took forever getting it in gear.  i eventually got down the steps to the basement, where i found the synth part i did for Everytime the Phone Rings, and i added it and remixed around it.  then i took my meds and came up to have breakfast.

i ate, i set it down to watch some television, i checked my bank accounts, and i chilled.  i hadn't decided whether i was going to go to work or not, as i did the day before also.  i can only thank Jehovah for the forward momentum, because it has been beyond me to do any more than lay on this uncomfortable futon and try to just explore.

work was okay.  i didn't allow any great fusses to be made, and the day moved along fast enough.  tomorrow, i'm going to leave it in the same Hands that have been moving me along so far.  i don't need to control how things are; i only need to pick a path and walk it to the best of my ability.  i am really sleepy now, and i'm not going to try to stay in this writing.  just going to say that everything heals eventually, if its what a person wants and will allow themselves to.  eyes keep closing.  thank you, Jehovah.  i'm going to be okay.  good night.

layers and levels

so, a day of eventful nothing.  that has to be the title of something.  if i only felt like doing some major writing lately, but that's not happening right now.

so, i got up and said my prayer, but i was feeling sort of out of it today.  i got some things done, which was good.  got my mom's shower cleaned, the black stuff from under her bath mat, got the trash gathered and taken out.  i also worked on composing a song, most of one anyway.  still working on parts of it.  i was in the midst of a major chill, with plans to get my oil changed (long overdue) and perhaps wash my car (ditto) when Lonnie called and asked if i wanted to roll out with him.  i said sure, as i wasn't doing much of anything else.  we went to his parent's old house so he could get a suit for his father, then to his house to get a suitcase, and then to his father's assisted living facility.  his dad is going to a family reunion tomorrow and he was getting things ready for his dad's trip.  we went to lunch then, and he brought me back here.  that killed the majority of my day, but it was a nice diversion. working on the song has brought me to a place of emptiness.  a piece of a line came into my head, realizing all the calls that were coming in, being ignored as they were collection calls that i've still to deal with, none of them are Rachel, and each one brightens my hope like a fresh lit candle and then blows it out the same way.  kinda sucks, but there you go.  it's called Everytime (the phone rings), and its sure to be a hit, somewhere in some reality.

so, i came home, watched some tv, worked more on the song, ate some dinner and now i'm in my bed.  i am pondering the nature of the emotional weather we all go through at times, such as 'when it rains, it pours'.  my sister sent me a text today, ready at last to abandon my grandfather's house.  she is going to be moving on the 1st, she says.  doesn't matter much to me one way or the other, but i have to pray, and meditate and make a good choice.  i still feel that i have been directed to be here, to help my parents as much as i can.  i honestly even feel that the job is a detriment to that purpose.  and i felt after i processed the information, that Lori, my sister, was better off there than she would have been here.  thing is, ii would still like my own space.  thing also is, however, without Rachel it means a lot less to me.  without her, it means that i'm going to truly be my grandfather, alone in a large house, waiting to die.  dramatic, i know.  but it's how it feels right now.  much as i don't like being here, i love being an asset to my parents, and i really appreciate how much having some solidity under my feet is helping me to recover from last week.  but i know i will pray before i talk to my parents, because Jehovah first in all things,

we'll just see how far down the rabbit hole this really goes.  meanwhile, thank you, Father, for the blessings of the day, and good night.

getting it in

so today was sort of a busy day, though it was my day off.  i knew it would be, and that's not the worst thing.  but i can't get my mind clear of Rachel, and i suppose that's only natural.  i'm working on it though. maybe i'll take some pics in a few days, but i have no smiles at this point.

i got up and said my prayer and got it shaking.  got a good bath in, epsom soak with bubble bath.  the gabapentin helped, but i still can't do too many of those.  i gathered clothes, got myself together, and got ready for my doctor's appointment.  i did one load of clothes and figured on doing the remainder when i got home.  i had wrestled through the night with paying Rachel's phone bell one last time, but i didn't.  i knew if i paid it it would be stabbing myself on contingency; i'd feel shitty if i paid it and she didn't call me, and i'd only be paying it so that she could call me if she wanted to.  if she'd wanted to call me she could have done it before now.

my brother came by to wash his truck and i was leaving as he was getting started but i gave his grandsons a pack of cookies to share.  i had taken the trash to the curb for tomorrow already, and had a doctor's appointment at 1015 this morning.

i got there right on time but still had to wait, which brought my blood pressure up because i was on a tight time schedule.  wednesday is noon meeting day and i had to get back to the south side from warren.  doc said nothing showed wrong, just showed elevated uric acid levels.  i got out of there and headed south, having alerted a friend that i'd be running late.  when i got there, there was enough time to get another pot of coffee on and set up just before we started, and we did end up with a new secretary by voice vote, so there's that.

from there, i went downtown to have lunch with Lonnie.  we went to a place called Christopher's and it was interesting.  would be a nice place for a poetry read.  i enjoyed my lunch, but Lonnie did not.  we hung out at Mill Creek afterward for a couple hours until it was time for my work meeting.  that was exceptionally stupid.  apparently, a skinhead contingency is alive and well in the place i work, and they are planning static.  but there is no plan in place on how to deal with that, which gives me concern.  no riot plan, nothing on the books for what to do if the residents (inmates) decide to just start tearing up shit.  and i think, being that we know they are criminally incarcerated, should be a given.  i voiced as much, but i don't think it did much good.

i stopped at Sav-a-lot to get stuff for dinner and to round out what i needed for this wedding soup i'm working on.  i ate, but my aunt did not, which continues to weird me out.  why does anyone need an invitation to eat?  just fried chicken, rice and gravy and greens.  nothing fancy, but i know what i'll be eating tomorrow.

i'm working on a song, so at least i'm working on something.  i have to get out from under this dark cloud.  i can't really write yet, but that's not the most important thing. i'm alive, i'm relatively pain free, i had a good enough day, i'm sober, and i'm grateful.  i thank my Father for these blessings.  and i'm done for now.  that' was my day.

the strength of pain

there is a lingering effect that letting go creates.  you rarely ever just release a person.  you are always entangled in memories of some sort, and the greater the affection was, the more powerful those memories are going to be.  you don't just stop seeing a person, because you see them everywhere in everything you do.  and you don't just lose them in the forest of your heart, because when you love someone, your heart is not a forest any longer; it's a clearing.  with a small house and a fence and all the trimmings of cohabitation.

so, i miss Rachel.  and a part of me really wants to go back, to see if maybe the mask can be tightened, or rotated so that it no longer reveals what's just beneath the surface.  that would be good. but it wouldn't be good enough.  so, i sit, a silent phone, knowing her phone from me is just going silent now.  unless she paid the bill, in which case she is doing well.  but i have a million pictures of her.  and i have a billion images of her in my head, i can't delete those.  so i just breathe.  and i talk about what i want to do but won't, and what i wish was happening but isn't.  but it's wednesday now, and i'm still here, and it's one breath, one heartbeat at a time.  and i'm grateful to God it doesn't have to be more than that.  because i'm at the limit of my strength and sanity already.  it's just how it goes.

completing the thought

not sure what is going to come tomorrow.  meaning, the gym, writing or what.  i feel pretty good tonight, getting off work, though i wish i had someone to talk to.  Lonnie is likely asleep, and of course no Rachel.  so i came home after a decent enough day, had some more food (good, hot greens...yum) and now i'm about to shut it down.  my mind keeps going back.  but why wouldn't it?  important to admit that i miss her.  but just as important to continue to follow through on the thought.  i miss her, and she doesn't want in a relationship what i want in a relationship.  i miss her, and she's doing okay, and i am going to be doing okay as well.  i miss her, and four days of work have passed and i've gotten through them and will get through tomorrow, God willing and the creek don't rise.  those are complete thoughts, and my mind would rather stop on the pain, like stopping on 'go directly to jail' in Monopoly, than run through to the healing parts.  but i'm managing okay.  just...okay for now.  we'll see what tomorrow brings if we're blessed to see it.  meanwhile, thank you, Father, and good night.

...sigh...rebuilding again...

the sadness continues, but its not the worst i've ever felt.  it's strange when such a realization becomes a philosophical point of whether that's a bad thing or a good thing.

i've not heard from Rachel, and that's not surprising.  i saw her mom at the store today, and that also isn't surprising.  i wanted to ask her mother about her trip, and in fact did, but the pleasantry was the extent of the exchange.  likely that was for the best.

today i got up and i said my prayer and i got my shit together and i went to the gym.  i decided some days ago that i had to get my shit moving again, and this being a monday i ran out of excuses to not go.  i just did some weight work today, i'm planning on going tomorrow and i'll see then what comes next.  but the fact is, i went today.  i got up when the alarm went off, i got my ass into my gym clothes and went to the gym.

currently, i'm cooking some greens.  collards and turnips.  i've done a meat loaf that has to be properly dressed and i'm going to take some smashed potatoes as well.  i love to cook, it is very meditative.  thinking about the parameters of a wedding soup for the rest of the greens.

work is as chaotic as always, but payday is coming.

i hurt, but i'm moving.  i guess that's about the size of the story, when you get right down to it.

thank you, Jehovah, for life.

50 in April

you train for this kind of shit, even if you don't realize it.

i am bone weary, my thoughts have an  actual discernible weight and they are ponderous.  i am irritable and i am sadder than i have a right to be.  i say that because i initiated this.  Lonnie has pointed that out to me, not as a critique but trying to help me encompass and move past this point.  i know that i could have said nothing, allowed the sarcasm, the pointed barbs and the change in attitude slide by one more time, in order to keep the image of closeness within my grasp.  i don't know why i was just so tired of pretending on Thursday.  but i was.

you train.  each insanity you negotiate is a preparation to get through the next insanity.  that is a depressingly true statement.

i have been waking and praying.  as always, i eat, but my appetite is fucked up and my stomach churns.  work has been like lifting a stone slab from the garden of my childhood, amazed and revulsed simultaneously to see the myriad of worms, slugs and bugs beneath it.  i see now that these are genuinely children.  they are adults stunted in their ability to grow, retarded socially and adolescent in their decision making.  they get bored and self-destructive.  they want the prize and avoid the work.  it is tiresome to a great extent.  it is wearying along with what i am currently engaged in.  but i am doing it day by day, which is the only way to manage this kind of weight.

you get stronger, i guess.  or your weaknesses become more manageable.  you definitely learn how to do more with less.

i've not cried again since my counseling visit, but i still feel the same.  something in me, something that is so desperate for love or companionship that i'll overlook the distance in order to accentuate the proximity.  like having a relationship with someone through a telescope.  but you get tired of that.  you get tired of nights alone, of wanting, of plans that are just ways to spend the least time doing the least amount of things.  i guess in ten years it wouldn't' matter at all.  but i'm not ten years old, and i'm not yet ten years older than now.  and it matters.

its funny in a way.  i used to think that heartbreak was the worst thing in the world.  it's not.  it hurts like a motherfucker, but it's not the heartbreak that kills you.  it's building a world with one support post and then finding out the support post has termites.  that's what kills you.  when you set everything you believe on one person, one thing.

and i realize that's not what i've done.

i've built around Rachel, but i've not built on her.  i doubt if there is actually love personal to me left in the world, and there may not be love left that i'm willing to share.  for what?  i'm as selfish as the women i've loved.  in my own way, i want what i want.  i don't want to continue to bend and move and alter in order to accommodate.  i miss closeness and real intimacy.  i miss creating.  i miss conversation from deep places.

i'll be 50 in April.  i guess maybe that's the point where i'll decide what comes next for me.  but for now, i'm still above ground.  i'm only writing this so i stay visible.

i know that i'm blessed, and i am still grateful to Jehovah for each breath i enjoy.  but i know i'm not grateful enough right now.

New Freedom, New Happiness...

in the chapter 'Into Action' of the Big Book of AA, there is a part that has been selected for reading at various meetings and has been nicknamed 'The Promises'.  some people call it the 12 promises, but that is inaccurate.  some people think that 'the promises' are something that you get just because you're sober, but as with all educational reading, context counts for much.  as a fact, the promises are a summation of many of the mental changes of perception that a person will experience if they've worked the first 8 steps and are in the process of making the amends needed for the wrongs they've done the people in their lives.  it is the effect of repairing damage.  and one of those promises states, '...we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us...', which is what i am endeavoring to do right now.

i hate that i made my counselor sad.  i hate that i broke down as i did, especially since i feel no better.  but i know i do not control my emotional state anymore than i control anyone else's.  i hate that i feel this way, i truly do.  i hate that the lyrics, "I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you", keep running through my head.  i hate that i've got images of my ending floating around in my mind.  this is worth none of that.  this is not even a misunderstanding; it is, if anything, a misapplied understanding.  but i am human.  i am not immune to stupidity, even my own.  especially my own, i guess.

i came home and went back to bed after counseling.  it's 2 hours later now.  it'd be easy to sabotage.  it'd be easy to say, okay, i'm a wreck, fuck work.  it'd even be easy to call off.  but i'm not going to do it. and the reason i'm not going to do it is that i have done no wrong in this.  well, i've not done Rachel a wrong.  i have lived the way i have chosen to live, loved whom i have chosen to love, done the actions that have made sense to me.  VF made the observation that its a lot like Rachel's gambling at the casino, and that's the truth.  i've put my money in and pulled the handle.  it's hit enough for me to continue investing.

one difference, though, and i'm going to hold on to this as the line between this mad dimension and the one i'm trying to return to.

i have actually been winning more than i'm giving myself credit for.

i didn't do to Rachel what makes her that way.  but i had something good with her more than i had bad things.  before now, the worst part was her extended absences.

i have written a lot, and i've thought and processed and created a framework for some good and awesome things to come.  i've done that, by Jehovah's grace, the entire time i've been dealing with her.

i am currently employed.  i have raised Syd to grown.  i do have things still to say, this is material that will one day make a great book.  and i am a better person than i was when i met Rachel.  i believe that.
so, while i kept in this one casino, it was not a constant.  it wasn't the only thing i did.  and the other stuff actually turned out to be winners for me.

the choice belongs to me.  grieve for the period of grief, and then get back to living.  or feel sorry for myself for an extensive period, and neglect the work.

i'm going to get up and start getting ready for my work day.  what else is there to do?

thank you, Vivian.  Thank you, Father.

i don't think this is going to be the thing that's going to kill me.

thoughts

it means something when you find that you were the hope that you kept in your heart.  not the situation, not the relationship, but you.  you generated that hope, you held on from the inside of yourself to the world around you.

it means something entirely different, when you lose the hope from inside you.

i don't know what to do, exactly.  i am too old for drastic actions based on something that i knew was never going to bear fruit.  i guess the thing is, maybe i was never meant to do much of anything.

i can't discount what i have managed to physically do.  i have books, i have written.  i have poetry, i have performed on stages.  i have a child, she did graduate.  i have a job, i have to be to work at 4pm this afternoon.  i have things, not many but some.  and all these things are by the grace of God, and i know this to be true.

right now, i feel empty.  i could lay in this bed all day and that would feel completely right and fine.  i won't, though.  in May, emotional upheaval cost me a preferable job.  yes, i was going through physical discomforts.  yes, the gout had spread in ways i never thought it would or could.

even this morning, i woke with a foot cramp.  i'm finding that breathing exercises, controlling my breath and holding the oxygen, helps to alleviate the cramp far more than any moaning or massaging.  but the pain i've gone through on this job has been worse by far than what i went through working for Amazon.  and now, i have to accept that my future lies here, past this place i'm at.  it surely does not lie behind me.

i'm on point.  i'll live.  it's not the dumbest thing i've done.  i don't feel bad.  i'm not going to exist in someone's emotional void.  i'm not going to ride the amusement park attraction of someone's lack of a center in their own life.  i'm not prepared to do that.  i'd rather just move on.  i have things i have to do.

but i feel so empty.

a good deal of my tomorrows always included Rachel.  time to spend, time to talk.  a plan to plan.  what now?  time to let go, time to acclimate to needing her not in my life.  a plan to remove the hooks.
and there is, finally and truthfully, no one else.

i cut those ties in an effort to be true to how i felt.  i don't at this point even know if that was real or projection.  how i felt, i mean.  but i do know that i didn't hold on to side shit, because i wanted something with Rachel that was worth sacrificing for.

truth is, all my whining here means nothing of substance.  she stated it as plainly as could be.  "I know I don't want what you want."  i don't believe she even knew what i wanted, other than a life together.

i'm just tired of looking into a lonely future.

i'm just tired.

...ain't it funny...

 i don't know what comes next.  i only know the rollercoaster ride is absolutely exhausting, and i don't know how much energy i really have left.  

so, what should have been a great day is a day of trying to gather my pieces and keep flying.  i guess maybe that's apropos.  you try, and you try to accept, and you adjust, and eventually you start to see clearly that if nothing has changed on the other end, everything is still the same.  

ten fucking years.

so, today i got up feeling good.  bath was great, rest was great.  had my prayer, my meds, an omelet and grits.  had plans to spend the day with Rachel.  heard from her that she was doing a doctor appointment with her daughter and would be by in the afternoon.  i'd decided no production numbers this time; i'd work with whatever was at hand, rather than going overboard.  went to the store for only a couple things, and to eventually grab some lunch.  came home and cooked, and eventually Rachel showed and my aunt went to work.  things were cool, until Rachel left to get clothes that she needed to wash.  i got my desserts together in that time and put them in the freezer.  

when Rachel came back, the energy was completely different.  as it often is.  and asking what happened only garnered sarcasm, so i decided it was time to take things on face to face.  turns out, while i had thought i'd made progress after such a long period of trying, i am still right there on the outside, and i fell for the glammor of seeming to be inside.  but at least i was able to be completely honest at this point.  

thing is, i always kind of knew this was coming.  a one way barrier exists between us, and has forever.  i can reach through and touch her, but she doesn't reach the other way.  it is not cool, and it has been as stressful as a thing could be.  in the end, this time, the silence grew to encompass most of the evening.  a silence so thick that it consumed us both.  and now she's gone home.  i'm not reaching in again.  that's not in my plan.  

i guess the thing that makes me so sad is, i doubt if there's someone coming after Rachel.  i will be 50 in April.  i am slow, i am pained, i am medicated heavily and as a recovering addict/alcoholic, i have no interest in pretending to be a 30 something year old to keep up with the kids.  i'm tired of having to fight for intimate moments, trying to get someone to understand that there are more dimensions than this one and that energy is needed to pull creativity.  tired of feeling alone.  tired of a lot, to be honest.  

i am grateful but i'm sure its not enough.  

BATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when you really, really need them, the little things ain't all that little, are they?

you can condemn yourself to the place where fate or luck or coincidence work against you constantly, and your misery will not only be almost instantly bought and paid for, but you will quickly build a surplus of negativity you won't soon rid yourself of.  or, you can know that the wheel turns, the ball spins and drops, and sometimes it lands on red...and sometimes it lands on black.  and depending on where you've laid your bet, you win, you lose, but if you're alive to bet again, you won something, my friend.

today, i took a bath.  i am happy.  that's all it took for me.

i got up and heard the parents leaving, but i hadn't been summoned to help load the car.  so i listened, cramping in my feet, wearied by the pain (wrote on that earlier, i think), just wondering what it would really be like to have two weeks without the folks here.

i had spoken to VF about how immature i felt, having a giddiness about their approaching departure, hoping that i was more mature than all that.  but i'm happy to say, the Risky Business/Ferris Bueller thing never materialized.  i got up eventually, and realized the house sounded...hollow.  it sounded like emptiness.  and then i gleaned a sad reality that apparently i'd missed along the way.  my mom, my dad...they are the heart of this house.  '...comfort me through all this madness...'

my aunt was downstairs watching the television when i got up.  i did my normal routine, to be honest.  washed dishes, made myself some breakfast after i took my meds, gathered the trash.  i left and went to my meeting.  i went to lunch with Lonnie.  Rachel called and was waiting for her youngest to call but she had gotten her oldest daughter home and her mom off to AZ.  i came home and took a shower, watched some television.  ate some leftovers.  Rachel stopped for a few, and then had to be on her way.
and then...the BATH.

nothing too special about it, honestly.  some foaming Vanilla Honey bubble bath, some lavender scented epsom salt, a candle, my phones and a pink scented candle.  small notebook.  pen.  razor blade.  i shaved first, then ran a HOT bath and climbed slowly into my bubbles and healing stuff.  glorious.  i soaked, i refilled, i made some beats for a song i'm going to finish.  took a gabapentin to try to fight off the rest of this neuropathy or gout or whatever the fuck it is.  and i'm going to go to sleep.  end of story.
the air was off and the house was stifling.  turned it on to 75.  downstairs is okay now.  upstairs, my eyes close, sleep beckons, a song by Lord Huron has captured my fancy.   it has been a great day, and i am grateful to Jehovah for the privilege of seeing it through.  good night.

...silence...

kind of tired of waking up in some kind of pain, i have to admit.  getting older, getting old in reality, means things don't work as well as they used to.  and eventually, it means some things won't work at all.  there's no point in self-deception about such things.  but, no one told me it would be like  this.  waking with cramps every day, in my legs, my feet.  getting out of the bed barely able to mobilize until i get several steps in and my legs remember how to move.  it's very frustrating, but i try not to get too far into that mindset...because it's bound to get worse.

i heard a bunch of scuffing and moving, and my parents are on their way.  i said a prayer for their safe journey, and i was not called to help load up so i'm assuming they had it handled, whomever was taking them to the airport.  i don't know.  i would happily have come down, but again, the morning struggles are, at least in my life, epic.

yesterday was confrontational for the most part.  the situation with the resident vs the case manager had to be resolved once and for all.  the resident doesn't understand that he got off because the burden of his guilt was not great enough, therefore something will happen soon enough that will be sufficient to hobble him for a bit.  the case manager doesn't realize that he really was motivated more by race than by issue, and that is going to make him bitter and sullen, and this will become a repeat situation as time goes on.  and perhaps i don't realize, but perhaps i do, that there is too much dynamic in this job, that what should be a simple thing, a linear track of policy and implementation, is instead a myriad of complex unspoken rules that are constantly shifting.  too much thought always kills creativity.

today there's a meeting at noon, there's lunch with Lonnie and i'm really hoping for some time with Rachel.  i want to start some writing.  i've very much wanting to get my life back on track.  but i've had my meds, called about my missing prescriptions, and i'm going to go have coffee and breakfast now.  i am grateful to my Father for this day, and perhaps i'll log more later.

fresh hurt

almost time to roll out.  last day of my work week.  i'm tired, moreso than i should be.  i am hurting.  yesterday, going down the stairs the only time i had to on B side, i felt the thing in my right calf flare and i stumbled enough for a resident to ask if i needed help.  that frustrated me more than the pain did.  my left foot is still hurting beneath the outer arch on my sole. is outer arch a thing?  regardless, one last day...

i've been dealing with some existential reasoning lately.  i'm not sure if its really about not doing this job.  i really kinda like the work that i do, because there's really nothing to it.  but i just find a question of the 'how' as far as the work, not so much the 'what' or the 'why' even.  it makes sense to me.

i've been up since about seven.  i made an omelet for my mom and myself.  found a travel bag in the attic for my dad.  showered and shaved.  made my bed and burned an incense and that was all there was to that.  ate the last of my rice and beans this afternoon while Rachel was wrapping her visit with my mom.  saw AG, sent her in to meet Rachel to avoid any awkwardness.  now i'm on my bed, but i'm not sleep.  time pretty much to get dressed and think about what i'm going to the store for.  but i wanted to make an entry, because i don't believe it's going to be a pain-free night and i'd really like to not have to try to catch up while i'm in a degree of discomfort  thank you, Father, for a wonderful day.

The Core

there has to be a core, an unmovable center, to who and what a person is.  if there is a solid core, it doesn't really matter what kind of affect is placed on for varying situations...the person can return to themselves when the event or situation has run its course.  the point, of course, is that the core must be solid and unmovable.  if not, then whatever the affect, there is a great danger it will assimilate the individual, rather than the other way around.

i'm glad that i've had some years to solidify my core.

i had a good day yesterday, but it was stressful.  work was stressful, anyway.  home was okay, just another day.  i'm trying to refer to this as 'home' more often, because whatever else it may be, it is where i lay my head, eat my hot meals and void my body.  it is not where my heart is, exactly, but those places are not my home either.  but a part of my heart is here, and therefore, it is close enough.

i got up yesterday feeling pretty good, considering.  i prayed and read the daily text from my phone, and i started my activity.  washed two loads of clothes, got my work stuff folded and basketed to be taken upstairs to hang.  got the large blanket and some wash cloths washed and into the dryer to be dealt with today.  early i'd gone to the store to get some lunch things, not wanting to continue with the same 'sandwich-chips-fruit-snack' variations i'd been doing since i started staying in the building and eating lunch on the fly.  nothing wrong with those things; i make a great sandwich.  but i like change, i am inspired to do other things.  so i got some things, but they didn't quite do the trick either.  today the trick will be done.  trust me.

i viewed my mother and father beginning to ready for their trip.  they leave wednesday, about 8am.  they have a ride to the airport.  that's a good thing.  my mom is taking her C-Pap machine.  that's a good thing too.

i got to work early, moreso than usual.  i'd stopped at Arby's to get a sandwich on my way to work, but they never even got my order into the computer and asked what i'd ordered at the drive-through window,so i said forget it and went to McD's.  not doing that shit again.  going to get back off fast food.  a crutch at best, a poison at worst, and a drug under any circumstances.  first step shit, for certain.

work was slow starting out.  got most of my Ops stuff done, breathalyzers and urine drops.  pat downs, that sort of thing.  the residuals from saturday lingered however, and made the day a burden as it began to drag on after about 2 hours.  same gents who went to the hospital on saturday were attempting to leave out again on sunday.  two of the three made it; the fourth did not.  and he threw the equivalent of a temper tantrum.  he was going to abscond, he didn't give a fuck anymore.  it did give me a chance to get some training in, some de-escalation stuff, just as the nonsense from the day before got me some room search experience.  but.  it sets a precedence.  when someone gets to the point of having to put on a 'show', which is what it was for the most part, it gets the rest of the residents in anticipatory mode.  they want to see the thing blow.  they want to watch the chaos; they in fact feed off of it.  so de-escalating a situation isn't just trying to keep someone from running.  it's trying to maintain control of the entire unit.  the only thing i can honestly say is that the gentleman in question was still there when i left.  i honestly don't believe i did or said anything that changed his mind.  i don't believe the situation he was asking to leave for was real; i think he was locked in the tableaux of his drama and didn't see where he could save face.  but it didn't happen, and i maintained control of the unit.

i took a gabapentin, trying to get the last of this gout pain out of my foot.  or neuropathic pain, whatever the case may be.  i woke today with a foot cramp, still sluggish from the pill.  i'm going to load up on some things for lunch today, and i'm going to have a good day.

i am very grateful to my Father for patience as i went through my changes, and for allowing me to keep my Tim intact...even my Toti.

defining the self in the midst of a strange journey

how many years ago was this?  me in my apartment, trying to quantify my existence through extended arm and a cell phone?  i see the remnants of my former life, only recently ended, and i wonder if i have jettisoned the last fuel cell and am only now at the mercy of whatever passes for an errant breeze here in the cosmos of my truth, or if i am still just on impulse engines, small bursts of energy that i delude myself i have no control over, sending me in a controlled direction toward something i'm afraid to admit to?

today was not a bad day, as i alluded to earlier.  but some things happened that make me, again, question my worth in regard to this job i am currently employed in.  i feel that i am simply not caring enough, or that i am too nice.  one of the two.  i can't bring myself to feel the hostility or the 'me vs them' attitude that seems so necessary to create order and establish the hierarchy.  at the same time, i have practically no tolerance for the obvious stupidities, and the disregarding of myself as an authority, with the vested power to bring misery to someone's existence.  i guess i've lived too long, i've done too much to too many people.  i just don't get off on control anymore.

my feet aren't hurting as bad, and that's a plus.  i'm about to go to a non-drugged sleep, i've taken a roast from the freezer to thaw and cook for my parents in the morning.  whether they eat it or not, there will be dinner for them.  i've gorged on a Giant Eagle pot pie that contained enough small bones to kill someone with callousness.  shame on you, Iggle.  i am thinking of another woman, and that's not cool.  but to be fair, i see her far more than Rachel these days, and i miss the fuck out of Rachel.  better or worse, i'll get over it.  

i guess i'll have to continue to monitor my position and see where i end up at.  if it's impulse engines, i'll almost certainly do something stupid and know that i was steeped in self-will.  if it is just the solar wind, then it will take me where Jehovah has for me to go, to do what He has for me to do and to learn what i am supposed to learn.  we'll see.  either way, i'm sleepy, i'm grateful, and i'm gone.  

ice cream sociability

i know, way more clever than need be.  but i'll get to that in a moment.

quick recap, as i'm in the process of readying for another work day.  yesterday was good.  i got through the night with nothing more than sore feet.  i was on A side rather than B, i got my stuff done, learned about what to do when a resident turns in money, and i found that the female who's working midnights has a character flaw that i need to watch for.  i am tired, but not overtly so.  my mind is more weary at the moment.  found myself thinking in those 'yesterday' thoughts about when my parents leave on Tuesday, how nice it will be to clean the upstairs tub, run a hot bath with some good stuff bubbling in it, and just soak.  that will be pretty close to heaven.  of course, i can do that downstairs as well, but upstairs is just made for bathing, in my opinion.

anyway, my dad has gotten to the point where he's trying to find a way through without saying 'sorry, i was an asshole'.  so he bought me some more ice cream, of which i did not ask for and which i likely won't eat.  not because i'm being petty; because i never remember to eat ice cream unless its attached to another dessert.  i have ice cream in the downstairs freezer that i've yet to open.  but i know what it is, and i'm okay with it.  i love my dad; just don't always like his ways.  and it's the same in reverse.  we still will have to get straight on this shit, because i'm not going to be inundated by anyone ever again.  but i don't have to shit on his ice cream.  i just said thank you and kept it moving.  easier that way.

dissipation

Friday morning.  i don't know if i'm going to be up to writing later, so i figure best to get it in now.  i'm up for about the past hour and some minutes.  i've showered and shaved, i've prayed and read a scriptural meditation about being tempted.  i'm contemplating lunch and i am as close to pain-free as i've been in weeks now.  but it's Friday, and my trepidation is that they will stick me on B side tonight and i'll begin the cycle all over again.  but i have to be smarter than the job.  that is, actually, the job, to get smart enough to survive the stupidity.  again, that's the job...hell, that's LIFE.

two little white blobs down beneath the railing on the right side of the picture are ducks.  one of them was a spirit trapped in a duck body, i'm fairly sure.  well, he was a harbinger of human nature with feathers.  we have changed nature in not good ways, we humans have.  we have created a need in things that have an abundance always available to them, simply for our own entertainment.  this duck was constantly agitated, because he was not being fed bread by the humans on this deck overlooking Lake Newport.  we weren't living up to the bargain he'd come to understand in Pavlovian terms.  he would angrily quack from time to time, as if to remind us that we were contractually obligated to send chunks of bread down to the surface, as the price for sitting in that spot.  being a cruel human, i would through mints into the water, and the splash would send him scurrying to where the eddies were, looking for something that had sank below the surface.  Lonnie admonished me for this, but i honestly concluded that if he got used to looking at ripples and eating what made the surface ripple, perhaps he would again find it in himself to catch a mosquito on the surface of the water, or a fish coming up for a bug.  when we left, the duck began what sounded impressively like cursing me out, and i suppose he should have.

i woke feeling pretty good.  i was angry yesterday.  my mom is going to go to Alabama sullen and resentful; my dad is stuffing his emotions away as he always does, but he'll enjoy himself and return to be business as usual.  i intend to settle up with him when he gets back.  i am not going to bother with my mother's sulking at all.  i am glad to be going to work, where pain looms, because at least there, the pain is definable.  that's some sad shit.  but true.

i did see Rachel yesterday.  she was just in from cleaning for her grandmother.  she has things to do today, but i won't see her.  we'll make plans for next week, which is how it should be.  and then we'll see what we have, when again there is time to be around each other without the distractions of the rest of the world.  and you have to have that time, because all you do when dealing with each other in tandem to the world is function, whereas you have a chance to BE, when you get alone time with a person.  it will work itself out to what it's supposed to be.  but i'm cool on it either way.  as i get closer to being myself, feeling like myself, i can honestly say i have no issue with just waiting until the folks are gone, the house is practically empty, and i can think again.  that sounds like heaven.  sounds like a fucking paradise, right about now.

time to make the donuts.  thank you, Jehovah, for a wonderful start to a blessing of life.

strange air

i'm tired this Thursday.  i have been on the go for two days, seems like.  its not the bad kind of tired, it's far from the worst i've felt.  the pain in my foot has ebbed, i believe.  it is still there, and it is sharp at moments, but i am walking, i am getting around.  i feel okay, for the most part.  how good can one feel at a certain point in their life?  how good can a person be when the tide has begun to recede and the debris is exposed on the beach?

yesterday turned out okay.  i hung out with Rachel for the most part.  not in the way of the plan, as she didn't get up til later, so there was no laundry mat.  but she went to her MRI, and we did lunch, and we hit a store or two along the way.  i took her son to take clothing to the little girl's mother who was recently in their care.  we had Japanese in a place i promised i'd take her back when i was still doing the internet cafes with her.  on the way back, i had her get enough to do a couple loads of clothes, she bought the stuff we needed for the fajitas, and we came back to my parent's house.

Rachel made salad, i did the fajitas and everyone ate, including my father, though he after everyone else.  Rachel and i hung out, enjoyed each other and talked, which was nice.  eventually i took her home with a load still in the dryer, as i had a first aid/CPR training thing today and it was already late.  she was planning to come back and get it today.

so, that didn't happen.  her daughter decided, though leaving town, that her mother could not use her car.  i actually think i understand this far more than i want to, and i'm fairly sure Rachel does as well, but it sucks.  so she went to clean her grandmother's kitchen, and i went to my training, which was pretty useless, as i still don't really feel competent to save anyone choking or whose heart may have stopped.

everything else was off center as well.  since Rachel wasn't coming to get her clothes, i put them in my trunk and told her i'd bring them when she was done with her grandmother's house.  i told her i'd take her to the walmart open interviews, but she declined, due to her mother's advising against it.  i got a delivery order straight with my doctor's office, i went to lunch and to Mill Creek with Lonnie, took some photos.  i took Rachel her clothes and talked with her for a bit, and then i came back to my parent's house.

it's been pretty thick here today, the atmosphere, that is.  my mother is brooding, and my dad is like whistling in a dark alley mode.  i am not comfortable in the midst of it.  i'm sure most of it is their leaving on wednesday.  i am looking forward to it, i must admit.  peace, some quiet, some me time uninterrupted.  that sounds a lot like the reset and respite i desperately need.  but for now, i'm in the attic, and though the air is thick and fetid, i understand it well enough up here.  perhaps i'll descend to eat in a bit, but a nap is surely going to happen.  thank you, Father.

Girding

And Jehovah proceeded to answer Job out of the windstorm and say:   “Who is this that is obscuring counselBy words without knowledge?   Gird up your loins, please, like an able-bodied man,And let me question you, and you inform me.   Where did you happen to be when I founded the earth?Tell [me], if you do know understanding.
that's from the 38th chapter of Job, where God decides to put Job in check. its the part most people miss.  everyone wants to say 'i have the patience of Job', but for me, and this is just me, by my reckoning, Job isn't about patience, and it's not about faith.  the lesson of Job is the same lesson Moses had to learn:  there is no point where you stop doing what God tells you to do, without question, without hesitation, and without interpretation.  God don't need Moses, Job or Tim to translate for him.  end of story.  
So i'm up.  it's Wednesday, finally!  i am off today and trying to start productively.  some developments are occurring, and they will be mentioned in this entry, but the cool thing is not having to go to work today.  i've never looked forward to a day off so much in i don't know how long...especially since i've not worked so much in so long.yesterday...what was the deal?  i got up still hobbling.  but i continued to pray and i've tried, through most of my entries, to find gratitude.  i know the lesson of Job.  i didn't do breakfast, i just got myself up, got myself dressed and went, eventually, to take TP to her dentist appointment.  plan was to take her to her appointment, crash out a bit in the car while she was there, go back to her place, crash out a bit there, and then go to work.  grab lunch for the bucket along the way.  but she likes to talk, and she misses my company i gather.  i'm not the greatest friend these days, but i'm not even really good company to myself, so i don't know what people expect.  and she's consistent:  she complains, that is her thing.  though, to be fair, she's not as complaining as she was when i backed away from her.  low drama is still my core mantra.  anyway, she talked, and i listened.  and she went into her dental appointment, and i went to taco bell and got some lunch for my stomach, not the bucket.  had a chicken sandwich that i'd brought, and just needed some accouterments to go with it for the evening.  but i needed to eat something.  then i nodded...for all of a minute, which i know because Joe Jackson's 'Stepping Out', one of my favorite MTV era songs, came on and was still on when she woke me to leave.  so we went to Walgreen's to fill her scripts and that took longer but i found my accouterments while we were there.  then we went to her apartment and i just waited, reading, until time to go.  it was too late to try to capture sleep.  but i did get two Vicodin from her, which was a boon to my situation.  and i know, non-prescribed medicine...boo, hiss.  i tell you this as honestly as i can:  i don't give a fuck.  i don't take a fucking thing if i'm not in an excessive level of pain.  i don't ask doctors for scripts based on made-up symptoms and shit.  and i'm not saying that it's right, any more right than it was for me, at times, to sell my pain meds because i wasn't working and had to buy groceries for my home, being out of work at the time.  i'm saying i do what i have to do.  and i don't lie about it.  in fact, i only took one pill.  and i went to work.  and i was still hurting. found a great deal on some Walgreen's brand liquid-cap acetaminophen tablets, and i got those too.  but the pain was with me in the early part of the shift.  nice thing about Vicodin, apparently;  they sneak up on you.  by the third hour, i was functioning better.  i was never completely pain free, but i was pain-manageable.  and i'll take that.  i'll take that when the option is to agonize with each step.  in fact, the point of this is, i went down the stairs on B side to log my urine drops for the day, with very little discomfort.  the day before, my right calf reminded me i was fucked up.  so i got through. and i came home.  and i took a shower.  and i went to bed.  i took a gabapentin, because i'm still working on getting this neuropathy under control.  put on a nice meditation video and drifted, woke once, got myself straightened out on the bad futon, and faded for the rest of the night.  and now i'm up.  it's wednesday.  i put word out about my secretary covering the meeting today.  i am waiting to hear from Rachel, i would like to spend some time.  i am washing clothes at the moment.  i'm hungry.  i am hurting, mostly in my left foot.  i'm cool though.  and i'm blessed.  this is not the worst i've been through.  it's not even close.  and i am actually appreciated at work, which is a wonderful feeling.  i know i'm not as sharp as i used to be mentally.  but really, does the world call for genius these days?  if you're smarter than the fucking television, you've got a good start on being able to see around the corners.  and that's all you can really ask for, in my experience.  
thank you, Father, and thank you also for reminding me i was not around when You put the plans together for the world...or my life, for that matter.  

still not getting better

...an edited version of a lens photo i took the other day.

the biggest takeaway from this entry is the fact that i'm still hurting.  i am still not doing well at all.  something is really wrong with my right leg, something that i'll likely have to go to the e.r. tomorrow to get checked out.  i won't go today; i will go to work today.  and i may go after i leave work tomorrow, just so i can get it out of the way without cutting into my healing time, which i so desperately need.

truth is, though, i'm afraid i'm at my end at this position.

i did work yesterday.  and, as i had stated before, i got a good two hours out of it.  by 'good', i mean functioning with the pain without a great, visible show of pain.  the only good thing in that is now everyone is aware of the level of discomfort i've been laboring under.  and don't get me wrong, this isn't me trying to barter for sympathy.  every single person past a certain point in their life has some lingering ache, some day to day throbbing that they either deal well with or poorly.  i'm no exception.  i've abused my flesh as much as i could, often happily so, and you know one thing if nothing else, even if you choose to delay accepting it for as long as you can:  if you dance to the tune, you'll eventually have to pay the piper.

this feels like a bursitis of some sort.  like a bubble that needs to burst in my calf.  but when it does, then what?  or is it a ligament tear or sprain?  when i come down the stairs now, i do a 'one-step'.  put my left foot on the lower stair, then place my right foot next to it.  putting my right foot on the next step down places my body weight completely on that leg and flares up agony all the way to my neck, it seems.  so, there you go.

after 2 hours, it was a descent into misery.  and again, by the end of the night, though nowhere near as bad as Saturday night was, i was in a miasma of hurt.  sleep was miserable, my back was singing chain gang songs all night.  hurts this morning, to be honest.  and i am up and waiting because i promised TP i would take her to her dental appointment because she's going to be drugged and unable to drive herself home.  so i'm losing rest time to be able to function tonight.

truth is, though, that's one of the things i have to consider.  should i have to avoid any activities just to have enough energy to work?  should i have to lay in my bed for 2/3rds of a day just to be able to work the final 3rd?  i think that is really all the truth i need to confront.  but i am in prayer, and i'm trying to honor my obligations.  i don't want to denigrate my character.  but i don't want to be in a wheelchair either.

so, another day begins.  rainy and overcast.  pain and pondering.  and perhaps one last day of training, to get back 3 or four of the 8 hours i lost on Sunday.  it's not good.  but it is my current life, and some people do not have a 'current' life.  so i'm grateful to Jehovah for that.

Process of Progression...maybe.

experimenting with some camera photography, using an old large candle jar lid as a distortion mirror, getting an interesting effect, going to try some outside and people photography with it pretty soon.  like i said, the creative bug is not gone, but it is definitely compartmentalized at the moment.

this is an update, for my own records, i suppose.  today i feel some better.  there is still a gout/neuropathy flare up in the left foot, on the outer sole, that seems to be hardwired into my back.  however, i am going to work today.  i am not a shirker; i do what i am paid to do when i am able to the extent that i can.  i am still taking the Prednisone and will be taking some Tylenol shortly, to help me maintain for the next 8 hours.  but there are developments.

for starters, i am not terminated.  which is a cool thing.  i hate default conclusions; have the balls to follow through, to make a decision and stick to it.  i am happier with myself when i make a decision, even if its a wrong one, than if i wait and have something happen to take the decision out of my hands.  i believe some form of character should always be under development, but that's me.  but i'm not fired.  my Ops Supervisor evidently got the message and he followed through with it, and i am thankful to my God and to CCA, because the process of getting to the right building is hell.

secondly, i talked to the overall director of operations today, and had a chance, FINALLY, to explain what's going on with me.  we'll talk more later, but she asked if i thought i might do better in a smaller facility.  i'd love to just say 'yes', but if you live long enough you hopefully learn to not just leap when someone says there's a lifeboat...you have to confirm it's not actually a trap.  to wit, until i know what my doctor concludes, any lateral movement could net the same results.  i mostly am on a one level unit now, except for fridays, when they put me back on the 3 floor facility.  but every day, since i started, its been the same thing.  and i've managed for the most part, but not well.  and, as she stated very cordially, which i appreciate, the main concern is my health.  that is MY main concern, but it's nice to hear your boss say so as well.  but i know their concern is coverage, and i don't blame them.  i simply don't want to be the guy who's seen as the unguarded door.  i don't want things to go haywire on my watch.  and i don't want my being incapacitated, to any extent, to have dire consequences for my co-workers.  that would haunt me.

so, i'm going to get up shortly, get my ass together, already had my shower and shave.  i'm going to get dressed, figure out my lunch, hit a couple places along the way to fill up the ol' lunch bucket, and make my way to work.  did it on my back, but i got over the hump.  that's the business, amigo.  thank you, Jehovah, for caring for me and helping me value myself more.

partial decisions

...almost 12.  i made a partial decision today, and i'm okay with it.  but it is just the harbinger of what comes next, i'm afraid.

first, a list of the meds i took which i had to in order simply to walk today...simply to walk, mind you.  i took my usual blood pressure meds and my insulin, so no listing there.  but i took the first of 20 Prednisone, a steroidal anti-inflammatory, i took two Colcrys, my gout medication, i took four 500mg Tylenol in one sitting.  in the early evening, i had run the gamut of Tylenol, as my doctor limited me to 2000mg a day.  so i took a Gabapentin, one of my aunt's which is a higher dosage than my mom's, also anti-inflammatory, as well as some other lovely little things.

i also called off today.  well, mostly.  i called in, got someone in another unit who transferred me to the Ops Supervisor's voicemail.  i left a message for him to call me, which never happened, and then i called again after a short period, got the RS on duty at my building, who gave me the OS's phone number.  i called, got no answer and left another message for him on his cell phone.

under any circumstances, i was not going to go today.  i gauged my endurance at right around two hours, starting at a very low threshold (where i was already) and descending quickly into unbearable agony.  this just won't do.  not the pain, not the amount of drugs i'm putting into me to combat it, and not this uncertainty about what i should do.  it's just not going to work for me.

tomorrow, i'll go early, ask to speak to the Ops Supervisor, and by that point i'll have made my decision.  so, we're going to put this all into my Father's hands, and be grateful, for information that will lead to better choices, and to allowing me to rest long enough to begin to move past the pain.  thank you, Jehovah.

Step 3: Made a Decision...

pain is not fun anymore.  i remember being young, playing rough sports in street matches.  pain wasn't exactly fun then, either, but it was the making of your legend.  playing football, hit a guy of comparable size with such a perfect hit i dislocated my shoulder, but i put him out of the game.  never thought that i was the one who went to the e.r., just that it was a legendary tackle.  working at GM when i was a much newer human than i am now, similar pain to what i'm feeling at this time, but knowing that i could push through it, that the money would be good, and striving for the honor of being called a 'real worker'.  when i got that, the pain all went away.  younger days, younger me.

i don't like that kind of pain anymore.  and i don't see me liking it anytime soon.

most of the day yesterday, before work, i was in a low level of pain.  my descriptor of that is, a deterring, nagging ache, slight flares from time to time.  it spoke of pain to come later, but i mostly put that out of my mind.  i didn't do much; in fact, i did nothing at all.  took my shower eventually.  made my lunch.  prayed, meditated, watched some television.  went to wal-mart to get something to throw into the lunch bucket.  basic shit.  but i knew...from walking the tiers on Friday, i wasn't going to have a good day on Saturday.  and the prophecy you know is the one you most accurately profess.

i started out okay, but i always do.  i can pull enough energy into me that i am able to move close to normal for the first part of my shift.  the first hour is always a jumble.  staff changing, saturday is a visiting day and there are salty residents either from visits or lack of.  minimal supervision, as they don't work the weekends.

i did my rounds.  got my operation requisites done as quick as possible.  and then the issues begin.  the back starts to hurt each time i stand.  i adjust my pacing to accommodate the back pain, then the shins...THE SHINS...begin to hurt.  that slows me further.  eventually, usually by the midway point in the day, i am walking like an old, old man trapped in a 49 year old's body...that is to say, i'm moving faster than perhaps a regular octogenarian, but only relative to my reduced years, not because of better physical condition.  at least, i think that's what i mean.

all this by 8pm.  which leaves 4 hours to go.

by midnight, i'm moving by will alone.  i don't want to stay seated, but i mostly do.  then there's still the trek over to B side, down and up 19 concrete steps to log and store the urine samples taken from the residents earlier in the day.  there's still the walk to the car, the drive home on ankles that are now screaming, the long linger in the driveway as i am hesitant every day about climbing two more flights of stairs to get to this futon, which does nothing for my back.

yes, it's a lot of bitching.  i admit it.  i acknowledge it.  but because it's bitching does not make it false.  it doesn't make this fabrication.  this is where i am at right now.

it's Sunday morning now.  i've been woke for several hours.  but i'm still in bed.  the cramps started this morning.  i can't flex my feet too much, or i get severe cramps in my calves, shins and what not.  i stood to go to the bathroom; my ankles protested severely.

i doubt if i'll make two hours before it gets bad today.

perhaps if i had something high dosage, something heavy duty by way of a pain medicine, i would be able to stave this off.  but, see, that's the hook.  that's the creation of the so-called opiate 'epidemic' that is feeding so many municipal and judicial brokerages as of late.  start taking heavy pain meds, and you end up hooked on some shit you didn't want to be hooked on.  Prince.  MJ.  so many others.  and the choice is one of the harshest, most depressing truths in life.  either chance an addiction to pain meds, or suffer and smile.

i don't know what i'm going to do.

i am grateful to God for life.  but i am grateful not at all for this pain.  i am sure that's not the right attitude, but like Fishbone said...it's just how i feel, man.

Re: Setting the Mind

it's almost narcissistic, and maybe there's no 'almost' to it.  i'm not in love with my image.  it's the last of the creativity i have access to; to take a picture of myself and eventually have something to edit, to try to find the mood within, the scheme of light and shadow interplay that brings the true nature of the photo out for all to see.

sometimes, it just is what it is, as in the example here.  this is exhaustion and playing through pain as best as i can.  this is a decision, by my supervisor yesterday, to have me on the B side, which is the 3 tier system, 38 concrete steps, all concrete floors.  this is pain that radiates from the soles of my feet upward.  this is knives that seem to stab up into me with each step, as if i were some goddamned mermaid not content to swim the seas.  this is exhaustion, lack of motivation, this is the selling of a soul and realizing that gold ain't shit.

this is all that and more.  and i can add nothing to it, and sadly, i can take nothing significant away from it.  this is my life now.  i'm not sure how much longer i'm going to allow it to be.

yesterday was a hard day to get through.  counseling, for the first time in a long time, was a very sad and depressing affair.  not VF's fault; my mind is busy putting away the happy things so they are not contaminated by the bullshit that i'm swimming through.  i was honest, though.  i was truthful about how this is just like a prolonged meditation on the substance of unhappiness.  when we were done, i just went back to my parent's house.  i'd gone to wal-mart when i first woke up to get some lunch stuff, and i had to stop at family dollar briefly after counseling to get something i'd forgotten in the morning, but other than that?  i was down for the day.  lunch was made and waiting to be packed.  i had another 3pm training session, so i knew it was going to be a longer day than usual.  i didn't feel like pleasantries.  i texted Rachel a good morning and kept it at that..

when it was time, i packed my lunch, took a to-go cup of coffee and split.  went to Arbys to get something to tide me over for the early part of the day.  went to the training session, falling asleep through the reiteration of things i've been taught since i've been working there.  heard more about the growing tension between the black and white residents with nothing said about a resolution, or even a plan.  stupid.  then on to work.  i was put on B side, as i said in the beginning.  i have to do more because the young man who is also a new hiree does little to nothing.  i'm not resentful at him; he knows little to nothing.  i am, however, hurting.  i have to do head counts, that means climbing to the top tier several times at least.  i have to give meds and take urine and do other things, that means descending to the lower level a couple of times.  and if i wasn't hurting constantly, perhaps it wouldn't be as bad, but i am.

i got through it though.  i do that.  i get through.  and i'm woke now.  sleep not as bad as it could have been.  meds taken, prayers said, about to take a shower and get breakfast in and lunch made.  then 'm shutting it down again.  not going to try to keep moving forward with anything.  i trust Jehovah will show me what road i'm supposed to be on, and i am grateful to Jehovah to be on any road at all.  when i know what to change, i will work toward changing it.  that's all i can do for now.

the ghetto is a world...

the end of my days off.  nighttime, just about.  it hasn't really been terribly hot, but it has been stiflingly humid, and it drains the organism of all kinetic energy.  i switch over to automatic mobilization and simply perform the functionary things on my checklist until unconsciousness returns again.

two days after the 4th of July, bangs still echo in the distance.  it's not all small fireworks.  some of it is larger caliber firepower.  they never report how many bodies they find after the Independence Day 'holiday'.  they don't even report how many people go missing.  i guess if they did, they'd have to cancel the holiday, and who really wants that?  other than the children of the original occupants of this land mass, the children of the Mexicans who owned most of the southwest before it was annexed away from them, and the ancestors of the Africans kidnapped and forced into murderous slavery.  but who cares what a bunch of wetbacks, niggers and redskins think anyway?

the ghetto is a world.

i'm about to be that guy in the picture again.  i'm sick of so much right now.  my dad and i are in a tense orbit around each other.  i should let it go, but i can't.  the whole issue of Syd going with her mother that brought him to a boil, ranting and raving to me, and then had him turn around and question my decision making skills to my mother, has not allowed me to just say 'forget it'.  i'm tired of always being the one who drops the hook first.  but i'm paying for this.  the tension is likely a part of why my body hurts all the time.

i went to the doctor today.  called in the morning, got an appointment for the morning.  the office, a One Health Ohio satellite in Warren, is around the corner from the house of a girl i was 'seeing' from West.  i don't know where to find her, and don't really need to.  it's in the heart of a drug community.  keep going down that road, you come to the GM plant, and the Lordstown community.  once upon a time, it was an all white area, when the mills were making bank for the 'good citizens' (white males) who used to occupy the homes around the office.  there are projects nearby, and there are businesses right up the street on 422.  i wonder how the girl is doing sometimes.  she is a white girl who was set to marry an African brother, but didn't mind sleeping with me.  i don't know about myself sometimes.

the ghetto is a world.

i have not had a visit with or from Rachel since last week.  not even quite sure when, only remember it was before i went to work one day, so it may have been last Friday.  i'm bored in this now.  she only wants to go to the casino.  i don't have any interest in that.  i don't have any interest in spending money to go weeks without having any time with her.  i have no interest in listening to her speak on her children's disdain, her son's antipathy, her mother's denigrating or her life's burdens that require only some effort on her part to resolve.  i don't know what i'm going to do about it. i do love her, but i have nothing to do in my off days with someone and if i want to do something, i have to ask her or tell her my plan.  i'm not for that anymore.  i don't know.  i think a part of it is seeing how she is a reflection of this world, and the world has made me weary.  i don't smoke weed.  i don't do bars.  i don't drink.  i don't want to hustle from month to month.  i have no interest in taking trips when i can't get my bills paid.  i don't see any enjoyment in any of that.  but these are her meat and potatoes, seems like.  and its the way of the world more than anything else.

the ghetto is a world.

now, i go back tomorrow to this miserable place.  the longer i am here, the more i am convinced that my people are a lost cause.  i hear the world 'nigger' so much i'm sure i'm dreaming it by now.  all profiling, all preening with all substance hidden for fear.  snatches of rap songs babbled like poltergeist voices from the crypts their minds have become.  trying to get over when there's nothing to be gained by the actions they take.  placing a dome over a micro-cosmic portion of society, you see the worst of it continuously, and it makes you aware that there are bad things everywhere, just spaced further so it can do more secret harm.

my body still hurts.  i feel cramps about to happen.  i'm so tired you wouldn't believe it.  i'm going to cue up a meditation video and hope for dreamless and peaceful sleep.  but i have my doubts.  my nose is running, my mind is grumbling and i am aching.  i am grateful, even if it doesn't show through.

internal belief systems

it is too early, but i'm up.  its my day off, but i have a training session that will take me back to work, both today and tomorrow.  i have to be at the meeting today, because apparently my secretary's life is more unstable than he is.  and i am grateful to be alive today.

none of this is incompatible, and none of it is truly integrated either.  stands to reason, however, that life is what it is, and it does what it does, and does not require my permission at any given time to happen.  i can live with that today.

my back hurts.  on Monday, i helped the residents move a pool table back into place.  i knew that i shouldn't, but if you're not willing to do a thing that you're not paid for, you can't honestly ask someone to do something that they're not going to be paid for.  so i kept it moving.  prescription ibuprofen, which is hard on the kidneys, but it is okay for the pain.  my legs are aching.  i don't know if cramps give way with audible separation sounds, like velcro in the hands of an irate toddler, but that's the sound my calf sorta made when i was walking from my car to throw trash away yesterday.  i'd been cramping, possibly from the pool table exertion, and was stiff  while waiting to pick up this chicken from the store for the residents.

chicken?  yes, chicken.  more on that in a minute.

so i felt something give way, and stumbled a bit, and it never really took mobility away from me, but i limped through the day at work, and i don't like that.  i hate a show of weakness, especially in the presence of predators, even when they don't know that's what they are.

so, the chicken.

on Monday, a resident who doesn't give me any problems, asked if i could bring him some chicken from a store called Jordans, down the street from where i work.  it's actually Jordan Market, but of course it's called Jordans because.  you're not supposed to do these things, but i tend not tot think about 'supposed' to do's.  i rather focus on benefit and harm balance.  it was the 4th, a holiday for many.  i could give a fuck less about it myself, but that's me.  men locked up on various charges, in a halfway house, not a visiting day, so no family, no friends.  the usual shenanigans without the structure of classrooms or case management meetings, because it's a holiday.  so, while i would not bring one resident some chicken, i would happily bring a treat for each resident that i could.  which is what i did.

getting a roaster of chicken into the place i work wasn't hard.  keeping what i was doing to myself was more difficult, but i managed.  and they enjoyed it.  i eventually revealed to my supervisor what i'd done, and i was lightly admonished for it.  i didn't really care though.  truth is, what i mostly got was a level of gratitude that was uncomfortable.  it is still a sad reality to me, though it doesn't really make me sad anymore, that a kindness toward someone actually has a gravitational weight to it.  kindness should be an expectation, not an exception.  but it's not.  it is a strange, weird light in a dark world, and that is a sad, sick truth.  i had no real issues from these residents for the rest of the day.  i had no problems, we had no issues.  i did the job, i asked them to do what they were scheduled to do and they did it.  no issues.  chicken.

anyway, the fourth of July.  for a lot of people, there is a growing awareness.  i am always kind of glad to see that white people are not surrendering their heritage in the matter.  the history of this country gives so much weight toward Independence day.  but, there's no getting around the fact that the underlying meaning of the event is WHITE MALE RULE OVER EVERY OTHER LIVING THING ON THE NORTH AMERICAN CONTINENT day.  not blacks. not Indigenous peoples.  not even women, not even White Women.  just white men, who slaughtered the Natives, enslaved the Africans and put just about every other culture at one time or another into indentured servitude of one kind or another.  so, what is the reason for me to celebrate?  why am i supposed to feel giddy?  i was raised without holidays, and while i've never been baptized, i do believe it was for the best, as it gave me room to look in on  some things from a fair outside perspective and see them for what they really are.

i'm about to go to the store.  still grilling later.  tired, as i said, but i feel good enough to do what must be done.  thank you, Father, for a new day.