this has been an interesting day.  i started at the gym, after prayer.  as i was on the treadmill i began to think about ending this year, and how i want to emerge from my exile.  i think of it that way, an exile.  exiled from the creative endeavors i used to enjoy, definitely exiled from social gatherings due to the allergic reaction i tend to have toward bullshit.  but i'm not supposed to go on alone.  and it makes it sort of impossible to move some aspects of my life forward.  to that end, i left the gym after 2 miles on the treadmill and went to visit TP to make things right.  i attempted to amend the situation.  i'm stressing that.  i did not apologize, because i did nothing wrong.  but i bridged what would continue to be a gap between us, because she's my friend and she's worth closing the distance.  i stayed and had coffee and came home.  i had breakfast with Syd, talked to R and went to the store for supplies with Syd.  TP invited me for dinner tonight, and as i had no other plans i made plans to go there.  i don't mind.  i do wish i'd been able to make plans with R, but i'm realizing now my life on hold has to end.  i want to get live again, not like i'm in my twenties but like i'm a social individual who enjoys conversation and meals shared.  no better time than the present.  perhaps i'll get to see R before she leaves for Florida, perhaps not.  that's sort of up to her.  but i am going to start being happy, and that doesn't come from anyone else, it comes from what i choose to do.  went to lunch with Lonnie and his son.  Italian Marketplace on 422 is a disappointment.  food was low end of average, at best.  now in bed, resting before i go to TP's for dinner.
the nomination campaign seems to have started strongly.  i don't know how it will sustain.  thinking on ways to get some community involvement.  people are used to doing things like this through online involvement.  i need to get shit done in real time and real life as well.  going to design some flyers to place at different social locations, recruit some help, get some of the factions in my life to work for me.  that's the only way i know to work it.  i feel positive about the whole thing to be honest.

sun still rose

i didn't go to the gym today.  getting up was hard, getting started is harder but i'm accomplishing some of it.  not much to do today, so i'm doing it slowly.  did say my prayer, did have breakfast (a sausage and egg bagel sandwich, more carbs than i should) and i did get my dad's black eyed peas together for his friday thing.  gonna take them over to the house before my meeting today.  debating on maybe getting the peoples some kind of treat for the last meeting of the year, but i don't know yet.  its cold out, its cold inside as well.  i have to get something to cook tonight, i made my bed and got my room straight and i'm just about ready to get dressed and get the hell out of here.  i feel okay now.  still sad, but that's all right.  thing is, it's going to happen.  everyone is going to die, and there's no changing that in this particular reality.  so, you just live while there's life in you and you're able to enjoy it.  some things are going to have to change.  this afternoon i'm making my first appeal to the facebook folks about my need for nominations for Mechanical Jesus on the Kindle Scout page.  it'll be available tomorrow, so i'll need as many people onboard as i can get.  it'll be fun and educational either way.  i'd like them to publish me, but i have a month to work on it so i'm not raising expectations.  gonna send a short story to a couple friends and then i'm out for now.  later.
meant to get back to this earlier.  still working on the discipline.  i have sent out link information to my contacts on both facebook pages, and i'm going to do emails later today.  i'm nervous, and that's a good thing.  but i know the writing was good, the editing is good and the book is good.  if it's nominated and promoted, it will do well enough.  that being said, i thank my Father, Jehovah God, for seeing me through this process and for the sun that rises with or without my say so, because i don't know best ten days out of ten.  later!

funeral procession

a strange day.
but there's been quite a few of those lately, to be honest.
started off simple enough.  woke up, said my prayer, got my ass slowly ready for the gym.  i threw in a load of clothes because i needed a pair of pants for the funeral.  i ran a blazing hot bath because it would be cool enough for me when i got in from the gym.  i had a cup of coffee and some water and i hit the gym.  just walked a mile today, it was good enough to keep me getting back in motion.  then i came home.  i checked my blood sugar, on the high side, and i took my insulin and my meds.  i had a ham and tomato omelet for breakfast with toast.  i took my bath, shaved and lotioned and groomed and was looking fairly fly in dark jacket, black jeans, black shoes and a deep blue/black tie.  i made sure i had everything i needed and i left for my dad's house.  that's where things began.

first, there was no coherent plan for departure, but i'm used to that.  my ex-sister in law and her new husband pulled in behind me.  i greeted them cordially, went in to see how things were developing.  my mom was over at my aunt's house already, and my dad was still getting ready.  i called my brother to see when he was coming and he said he was waiting for his ex-wife (ex-sister in law) to pick him up, so i went to get him.  then my dad was ready, the older of my two sisters was there and ready, but there were too many people to fit into the dad car.  so brother, sister, ex and new husband drove in their suv while my dad and i drove in his car.  pleasant ride, pleasant talk, i knew he was sad but he doesn't let that stop him.  i guess if he did he'd never get anything done.
at my aunt's home my mom was there, and i greeted her and cousins and eventually we were heading to the church.  i'd been informed that my aunt was to be cremated so there'd be no gravesite visit, which was a blessing.  on the way out, i was asked by a woman i didn't know, a friend of my aunt's family, if i could give her a ride to the service.  i agreed, and the woman sort of latched herself on to me, in a very 'close' way.
i have done some funerals, and i imagine i'll do a lot more before it's all over.  my aunt's funeral was nice.  but i don't like funerals.  i think they are contrived, i think manufactured grieving is tacky and i think that they are far too long.  i guess, being that its supposed to be your last good bye, you shouldn't rush them, but it was the wait to get the service started, and then the preacher having to rail for an hour after all the tributes and things, that left me a bit hollowed out.  i left before my new stalker could get her hooks into me again, after telling my dad that we were going, and i took my brother home, went to kfc to get something to eat and made my way home.

i'm still sad.  i've seen my family, my grandmother, grandfather and aunt on my dad's side, all dead and gone now.  but i also have seen how it happens, and i know it's going to happen to one of we seven offspring of my mother and father soon enough.  the sad thing is, i don't know if my mom will even realize the blessing she's received.  she has all but one of her siblings, and my dad has no one left.  if it were me, as to an extent it is, i guess i'd either make peace or clarify my war so that no questions were left unasked or unanswered at the end of the road.  but either way, it's over, my aunt is cremated and she is not in pain anymore, and God requests the spirit back when the flesh is done and that is done now.  i'm going to bed soon.
oh, the kindle scout campaign has accepted my manuscript for Mechanical Jesus.  they're going to put it up for votes for publication for a month starting the last day of December.  i am VERY HAPPY about that, anyway.  thank you, Father, for the sunlight through the clouds.

getting the engine to turn over

three days left in the year.  a new week, and a new focus.  that's a good thing.  i am in motion, but i'm trying to take time for a friend, which i hope is a good thing as well.  there is no solitary life.  there is no life outside of the rest of humanity.  there is madness there.  i've tasted that madness before.  i don't like alone time, but i can survive in it, through suffering through it and getting stronger.  those are some of my lessons for the day.

tomorrow is my aunt's funeral.  i am going to support my father.  i've said my good-bye to a wonderful woman and one of the best people i've met on this planet through prayer already.  i can do no more than that, the dead are conscious of nothing.  but i am still sad.  this is the first year i've been alive that she won't be on this planet.  as the spectre of death gets closer to you, your thoughts change, it seems.  i don't mind.  i told Syd i'm going to arrange for a natural burial.  no coffin, no service, none of that nonsense.  some have grieved me already.  some will find only bitterness associated with my name.  it's all the same when the ride is over.  

i got up late, but i got up determined.  i said my prayers, had a boiled egg and a piece of toast for breakfast.  my sugar was okay, so i got myself together and made my way to the gym.  i worked out, tried the elliptical again but didn't stay on it that long, but after being out of the gym since last tuesday, this is about getting the engine to turn over, not about getting back into the indy 500.  i came home, changed clothes and went to my parent's house to help my dad get his social work license information off the computer.  i talked with my mom, took my sister to walmart where she has an interview, went to the store to get some needed things and am now at home waiting for TF.  she texted me a happy holiday and since i didn't hear from her since i asked her to call and she didn't i called her.  she answered and i invited her over for coffee, thereby tending to my loneliness for today and allowing me to see to a friend's well being without caretaking.  i feel its a good start to the day.  i don't feel good or bad, just feel like i'm moving in a better direction than i was last week.  more later.

i had two pieces of pizza and a bowl of salad for lunch.  the pizza was an indulgence, but honestly, two pieces was cool because i could have eaten the five i had left from yesterday and then went back into sabotage mode.  everything is relative.  working on broths, so i have to figure out what exactly i'm going to make with them.  thinking a white chili with the turkey remnants.  thinking i'll make some kidneys  for myself and i'll save some of this juice for dad's black-eyed peas.  i'm going to start on the outline for THE BOOK OF OLD LAZARUS.  i want this one to be done exactly right.  my muse is going to have to cooperate on this one, because it may be the last book in the Waiting For Jesus series and i want to do justice to it.
the day ends.  i had dressing and cabbage for dinner.  no meat, but i'm satisfied.  my sugar was at 118 when i checked around five, so i only took my long acting insulin for the night.
this is going to be somewhat revelatory.  i write often about R.  i think i've chosen to allow her to the deep place in my heart.  that's not as cold as it may sound.  i love her, but there is a difference between loving someone and letting them inside, just like there's a difference between falling into and growing in love.  i want R, but i am without her most of the time.  we talk every day, and me not getting in touch early apparently got to her, as she questioned me about it and i was actually tickled about that.  however, i felt kind of sad too.  because TF made it by, and we spent the afternoon together.  nothing jumped off, but it could have, and i wouldn't have objected to it.  mostly because i realize that a lot of what is keeping R away is the closeness that we already share.  i do love her, and would commit to her completely in a heartbeat if that was her desire.  but she doesn't speak on this, so i have to respect her space.  but i am not, as mentioned earlier, a fan of being lonely.  so i make do.  and sometimes, i get company, and sometimes, that company is affectionate.  it's a test, i know.  TF was affectionate in ways that she's normally not.  i don't mean anything overtly sexual or even flirtatious.  i mean, touches that aren't usually in her skill set.  i think it's the distance that she's imposed in her own struggles; she misses me.  but even with that, it makes me concerned about her.  she hung here for hours.  and when she left, i realized i'd been thinking about R the entire time.  so, something has to give, something needs to be different.  but i'm not going to force a change because i don't want anything else to happen.  i am, by God;'s will and grace, able to make better decisions when i choose to.  i choose to make a good decision.  i choose to love R, and to have her in the deep part of me, and i hope that she eventually chooses the same.
i'm going to close it down now.  Aunt Rose's funeral is tomorrow.  sad energy.  thank you, Father, for a blessed day.  

the sun's reflection

i apologize, to myself, to toti, to God and to anyone who reads this.  my negligence is not forgivable, because it is an indication of me sliding backward.  i know that I am.  but knowing that i am enables me to be truthful about it and begin to move forward again.  this is my intention, to get all the way back on track and begin to move forward with deliberation again.  the goal doesn't change.  the goal is September 15, and I have time.  but i've been going through some changes and it's time to face up to them and start making things right.

so, i had some blues on the 25th of this month, though i don't know exactly why.  i think its because i truly enjoyed the november gathering of my family at my apartment.  yes, i know i could say christmas and thanksgiving, but i prefer to simply imply that, due to them being the most hypocritical days of the year.  nonetheless, i cooked, not much, but i did.  and i didn't expect anyone except my brother, and even he didn't show up.  and that was okay, but i had no plan B.  i had nothing else to do, and no one else to see, and i was lonely.  bottom line.  and i realized then that it was exactly like so many days preceding it, and it was like so many days following it will be.  and that was a heavy thought.  but its been a thought lately.  like the thoughts that i have to get this paperwork from my lawyer to J&FS, even though the woman who is trying to get in my business won't return my call.  therefore, i know they're trying to just deep six my case, cut my funds or Syd's medical and call it a day.  i won't let that happen, i will file for an appeal, but i am weary.  weary of the struggling.  weary of never having enough, always having to be vigilant of my finances because i could end a month struggling badly.  weary of trying to get this feeling up off of me.  weary of trying to connect with people who only want to bitch and moan, and bring no solutions to the table.  i am weary.  and stressed, and when i am weary and stressed i isolate and eat.  that's the formula.  old script, my demons don't have to reach far to find what works.  when i'm on my bicycle, when i'm doing the thing, they don't gain that purchase.  but there's been enough minutiae over the last month that it's taken a toll on me.  i have to get paperwork done with JCC to get my membership renewed.  i have to get a job, want a job, but i need something that i can do until i can do more, and what i can do is what i'm doing right now:  data entry, data processing, and there's not much listed for that these days.  i know, i'm doing nothing but bitching and moaning and not putting solutions up on the table.  but i will.  and soon.  like, i'm hitting the gym tomorrow morning.  that doesn't wait til january.  like, i'm going to get back to counting my caloric intake again.  have to do that.  it helps my diabetes as well as the weight loss.  like, i'm going to get these papers in to this woman and let God take care of the rest, because it's out of my hands.  like, i've finished MECHANICAL JESUS, and i've gone through the Kindle Scout program to try to get it published, which would mean 1500 as an advance.  would also mean more exposure for my back log of works and a better chance of my next book having a built in audience.  worth a shot.
i guess, in the long run, i'm just lonely.  and i am sick of being so.  people take.  i take.  i give, and some people give.  all things balance out.  it's self-pity, which is also one of the great weapons i've armed my demons with.  but i can take it back.  i can, if i choose to.  and right now, i better make some better choices.  because i don't really have it in me to keep striving for mediocrity.  i will stay on point with this writing.  i will keep moving forward.  its rained forever.  wonder if its going to flood for real.  wouldn't surprise me.  tornadoes in the south, earthquakes in texas.  but hooray, sixty degrees in december.  i'm tired, and a nap sounds like a good idea.  not going to my meeting today.  not going to the hall either.  tomorrow, we get back to the righteous journey.  that's my reflection in the light of the sun today.  thank you, Jehovah, for keeping me aware.

the day before

one week left in the year.  one day before xmas.  several hours before i'm done with the final edit on Mechanical Jesus.  i've been to see my mom, saw my aunt and sister as well.  i talked to my brother, called DeJa but no answer, texted R, and had breakfast and lunch.  I just got my dissected and dry-marinated turkey into the crock pot, with an apple-butter-olive oil rub, salted.  that's going to cook all day and likely for the night.  i have to cut up cabbage, peel and cube potatoes, cut up onion and peppers.  i have to get the ham in the oven, probably tomorrow morning.  asking my aunt now if she can get onion rolls for me, as i don't plan to leave the house again until sunday.  didn't hit the gym this morning.  groggy from the sleepytime tea, i'm thinking.  but i feel bloaty.  i've not been eating as i should.  i'm taking my meds and my insulin but i'm not feeling all that well.  depression, that's part of it.  not the overwhelming, November rolls in and i am incapacitated depression that i avoided this year, by God's grace and mercy.  it's the depression of shared sadness, of which i have extricated myself previously but am unable to at this time.  I imagine, getting older means feeling the passing of loved ones more keenly, because it's your own history that is being erased as your future gets shorter.  it's mortality, pure and simple.  i am okay as i ponder.  my time is coming.  all of our time is coming.  but i hate that my aunt had to pass so diminished.  But i wasn't around when God created the earth.  so it's cool.  it's going to be okay.
i am trying to get this book done.  i am trying to get my head wrapped around my requirements going into 2016.  not resolutions.  my resolutions are a daily affair.  today i resolve to stay sober.  today i resolve to allow the God of my life to guide my actions and direct me emotionally and spiritually.  but i have to learn some things, and the upcoming years is a good time to set goals for those lessons.  like, sales.  like, marketing.  like, letting go of distrust and letting go of the need to control my environment so i can't be hurt anymore.  these are the things that are most important to me.  because if the writing is going to improve, it will improve due to a demand that will only come if i'm selling books.  if i can learn that, i will create my own demand, and i am the supply, God's grace.
sticking to my anti-menu for tomorrow, but if anyone chooses to come grab a sandwich or a sort of plate, they are welcome to.  turkey's going to smash, i already know it.

missing file

interesting how things turn, sometimes.  i didn't write yesterday because monday was an emotional leech, everything in me was gone and yesterday i was just cruising through, recharging batteries i think would be the right analogy.  but i try to account for things, and this is the place to do that, so this is a recap of where i am at this time.
i felt better, and i thank my brother  Jerome for that.  he's my big brother in fact and in spirit, and i always appreciate when he can get me centered.  i don't know, still, why i am so undone by my aunt Rose's passing, but i am and it's okay.  but i couldn't function, and now i'm doing all right, and it's because he let me decompress and then he brought me out of the chaos in my brain.  i appreciate him, he always manages to do that for me in a very quiet and unassuming way.
i got to see my dad, who is functioning, and that is good, and he's sad, and that's good too.  you can see it on him.  this new millennium has been about loss for him.  its a strange contrast, later in life it seems, that the fewer people you've had in your life the more important they become and the greater space that's left when one of them leaves.  my mom had eight siblings.  my dad had one.  my mom has six left, of whom she barely speaks to any.  my dad has none, and he maintains despite his losses.  i don't know.
one of the things that this pointed out to me, made so clear, is that it is almost our season, my siblings.  i have six sibs.  we're all alive, we're all above ground.  but one of us will one day know how my dad feels now.  one day one of us will likely be the last of our household.  i don't really wonder who it will be. had my dad passed first,due to the dementia my aunt likely wouldn't have known it.
i am in an extended silence with my friend TP.  pretty sure i've spoken on her in the past weeks.  i know i've accepted the silence though i've not initiated it.  i'm not sure what's wrong with her, and i am not going to ask her what's wrong with her.  i know that i am no longer interested in fixing things that i didn't break, be those things actual things, places or people.  i walk away from conflicting emotional situations, i walk away from confusing scenarios, because the investment of spiritual energy they require is often a drain on the whole system.  i love TP, she's a good person.  i am sure that part of it was the listening to her bitching about every single thing, like there was to be no happiness anywhere for her.  and part of it was the increased call to tell me every detail of every day except what was wrong with her, but when i'd speak on something going on with me the 'conversation' would sort of deactivate.  we'll see what the future holds.  it's not the first time a friend has become distant, and i'm sure it won't be the last.  my part is i should have just said in the beginning that i'm not going to start doing 24/7 roadside assistance if i am not told what the actual problem is.  but that's something i can't change now.
i hit the gym, did over a mile and a half on the treadmill.  i cut up my turkey and got it in a dry marinade for the crock pot, an experiment in prep.  i am going to get my ass in gear to get to the gym this morning and start a new day.  this is going to be a separate entry, i'm going to write something for today specific. but i wanted to make sure i got this in.

heavy air

...this has not been a good day.
i am running deeper into a grief that i don't exactly understand.  I love my aunt, and i am truly sad that she has died, but she was so diminished already, and my cousin, who was caring for her around the clock, was so exhausted.  i haven't seen her since my grandfather's funeral, that may be a part of it.  things changed pretty radically when my grandpa died.  my aunt Rose was pretty cognizant, fairly aware when my grand-dad was at the end of his days, but she wasted away, she looked exactly like my grandfather did on his deathbed.  perhaps i've simply not seen enough death up close.  perhaps its something more.
i got up, feeling shitty.  i said my prayers and included my father and my cousins and the family in them.  i went to the gym and worked weights today.  i came home and Syd and I had words because i'm tired of dealing with the same shit with her, and today just wasn't a good day to have to begin that process again.  after i took her to school to catch her bus, i came home, had a potato and cheese omelet and a piece of toast.  i did some more editing, and then i laid back down and was feeling melancholy, sad and on the verge of weeping all the rest of the day thus far.
i did get a chance to speak with my brother about things, about how i was feeling and what changes i was aware of.  that helped quite a bit.  but it hasn't lifted.  i guess i would tell someone in my situation it's not supposed to just 'lift'.  its a thing to go through however i must, to process, to feel, to ride until it is done, and then to learn what kind of a person i've become as a result of going through it.  i mostly feel bad for my father.  i can't imagine what my life would be like if i were the last of my people.  i mean, if the house that i grew up in, if all those individuals died before me.  I can't imagine what would live in my head at that point.  i am so blessed, i still have both parents.  I have to start being more grateful, because none of this will last forever.
i had lunch and dinner, i'm about to get back to detail editing and getting it shaped up to copyright and see about Amazon publishing this one for me.  i have to get the thing worked out as far as my settlement and j&fs on my ass, but the woman from there won't call me back.  so, i am just going to take this a moment at a time.  i'm going to keep moving myself along, try to force my mind from closing and see this for what it really is, outside of my comfort zone and my 'center of the universe' emotionalism:  my dad lost his sister.  my cousins lost their mother.  my father lost the last member of the family he grew up with beneath one roof.  i lost an aunt, who was always pretty decent and fairly affectionate toward us, toward me.  my life goes on, at least today, and she's not in pain and she's not suffering any longer, so we are both blessed.  that is what i'm going to work with for now.  time for some sleepy time tea, and perhaps an early crash.  we'll see.

holiday blues

out here sometimes, and i don't mean my spiritual orbit, but just out here where my thoughts tend to reside, its hard to connect to the rest of the world at times...it's hard, because what i end up feeling is that time has gone by, details have been put in place, there's no forgetting, regardless of my level of forgiveness, and i'll be damned if i put myself in a position to be disappointed or hurt again.  at least, not arbitrarily or indifferently.  if one is going to hurt me, one needs to work at getting that hurt across to me.  that way, i know i'm on point with whatever resolution i have to enact.  but sometimes, there's nothing more i can do.  sometimes, i realize how fucking wrong i was, how the resentments don't do a damn bit of good and in the end, you still have to deal with the ones who hurt you, even if it's just at the end of their journey...or at the end of yours.
my Aunt Rose died today.
my father is now minus a mother, a father and his only sister.  the household of his youth is gone, he's the last one.  as i think of how big this is, how horrible it is even though his father lived into his nineties, his mother into her eighties i'm certain, and his sister had to be in her seventies, it is a very sad thing.  i've not seen my aunt in a long time.  i've withdrawn for the most part from my family since my grandfather, my dad's dad, died.  i have found that i can see the worst in me, and i can see the worst in people, and i've been tired of dealing with it, so i stopped.  but you can't get away from it.  my aunt was a good person.  she stung me a long time ago, but it wasn't so traumatic that there was no getting past it.  when i was younger, no matter what the occasion, when i'd see her she'd give me money.  it was strange, but she just did.   my aunt was a smiling woman, a happy woman.  she contracted dementia, lost her memory, lost her identity.  the strain upon my cousin, her only daughter, has been incredible.  but the thing is, you think things will last forever.  or, more accurately, if you don't work with the dying you try not to focus on death.  i guess that's more accurate.  and when it comes, and you knew it was coming, you feel bad for what you didn't share, what you didn't give, what you didn't say.  i don't know.  it's all just so sad.  no one left but my dad, who is afraid of dying to the point of becoming a hypochondriac.  i can't imagine what this is going to do to him.  but when i asked if he was okay, for the first time he said, 'i don't know'.  that's bad, for him.
i am going to try to be there this week.  for my dad, for my family.  i'm no hypocrite.  i wasn't there to help with my aunt so i expect to not give false commiseration now.  i will look after my own father and mother more closely.  maybe i'll be the first to go.  you never know.  nothing is promised.  my mother has lost both parents as well, and one sister.  but my uncle Tommy has parkinson's very bad, they're all getting old, the health problems are mounting.  no one gets out alive.
this has been a melancholy day to extremes.  i wish i could just fold it up, put it on the floor and leave it there, but i have things to do, and things to prepare for tomorrow.  not going to be a happpy christmas for the kids.  but, life will go on.  i am thankful to my Father that my aunt is no longer suffering here in this reality.  that's all i've got today.

ownership

thinking in terms of the changes i'd like to see manifested, i can't subscribe to 'new year's resolutions', because any promises that i make to myself i can't really make as a 'consciousness of the kind' decision.  like quitting smoking.  when i quit, a friend was going to quit with me.  i'd been fucking around with the notion up til then; stop and start, have 'just one' that i 'borrowed' from someone else.  playing at quitting.  but when i stopped, i stopped. i quit quitting and just quit.  and my friend, who was supposed to quit with me and we'd support each other, she's still smoking today.  so, what i know is the decisions i'm serious about need no validation from someone else's action, they need no cosigning.  they belong to me, and i own them and therefore i have to act on them for my own good.  every person for themselves in that regard.
today wasn't bad.  slow moving because the cold came in.  prayed, had coffee, got Syd off to school.  with with my brother to my dad's union hall to pick up food basket.  after i took my aunt to work.  went to gym.  was shaky because i took my insulin early, went to the gym later and hadn't eaten anything.  had breakfast, worked on the editing of the book, TF texted to come by and put in some aps on the computer.  drank coffee, ate soup with her.  let her do her thing on the computer while i went to get my aunt from her job site.  edited, edited, edited.  got the living room pretty much done.  called T but didn't talk much, which is odd as she was calling me around the clock for weeks.  made dinner, talked to R, now in bed.  it hasn't been a very detailed day, but it's been a day and i'm happy with it.  i'm going to have to reapply myself to a stricter discipline, eating and working out. i want to be at 320 by my birthday,  it's do-able.  but only if i own it and do it.  going to sleep so i can get up and finish cleaning and finish this edit.  good things just over the horizon, i believe that.  thank you, Jehovah, for a productive day.

lost in emotion

my sincerest apologies to myself and anyone else this affects.  I have been out to lunch in my head for two days.  my thoughts are insidious, my mind can go over a cliff in a heartbeat, and I can only thank the God of my fathers for the newfound discipline to attempt to get back on track.  I'm going to try to recount the process of the past two days, as well as move through the day today, to have record of just how this happens and maybe have a preventative for the next time.
This is Thursday, the 17th of December.  there are 14 days remaining in the month and year.  I have been looking over finances, trying to pinch as many pennies as i can.  no real reason, just to make sure if we need we can do.  it's been stressful, as i got a letter back from the job & family services person asking for a copy of the settlement letter from the lawyer and I have no idea where i put it, though i'm fairly certain i still have it.  nonetheless, i'd been moving well, writing quite a bit, not watching a bunch of mind-numbing television and trying to get time with R.
so, backtrack to the weekend, when the plans that i didn't completely subscribe to fell through.  then there was Monday, in which she went to her G-ma's to clean, trying to get her thing started.  she was there for a good portion of the day, to be expected.  I did my things, got my mom's wifi hooked up, finally getting it password protected.  that's the major shit from monday.  i began to have the tugging from my 'bad brain' section in the thought process about never getting to see R anymore, and I tried to push that away.  I figured i would just see what was on her itinerary the next day, which was tuesday, and try to catch a lunch with her.  found a place close to her that i'd not been to and i wanted to have lunch with her there.  i got no call in the early part of the day, and sought to convince myself that perhaps her phone had been turned off and she was just in that limbo period (which does happen).  but i got a text from her just before 5 in the pm, slept all day, wiped out.  got a call from her not long after as i was on the phone with Lonnie, but i declined to answer it.  i normally do, but i was peeved, to put it mildly.  and when i finished my call with Lonnie and called back i got no answer.
I ended up calling P in columbus, talking through it and still not feeling better.  And yesterday I had a counseling session as i won't have another until after the new year, and i talked to VF about that and other things.  But before that part of the day, i had come to some conclusions.
such as, I started to do the things that I needed to do for myself and my own appreciation.  like, i took myself to lunch on tuesday,  Like, i put my new comforter on my bed.  like, i have been writing so much the book is just about done.  and i made decisions that i couldn't allow R to dictate the pace of things all the time because that would mean at times nothing would get done.  so i loaded up her things, her gift and her food that i'd cooked for the weekend and saved for her, and i took them to counseling and then to her house.  i got a chance to talk to her, tell her the things that were running through my head (the way my brain tries to make me think the worst, though my heart believes in the best most often), and give her her stuff from me.  we talked last night for a long time, i had a travel mug of the sleepy time tea she bought for me, and i was out like a light.
so i woke up feeling much better today, though tired as fuck from the residuals from the sleepy time tea.  i prayed, put on coffee, wrote, got dressed and went to the gym.  I did ten minutes on the elliptical today, and then hit the weights because the treadmills were occupied.  i came home, got Syd to school and got some breakfast from Taco Bell which was disgusting.  i need to check funds, make out shopping list and hit the store later, but for now, a nap is in order.  so i'm going to take one.
so, i went to the store, got some supplies.  made arrangements to pick up the food baskets with my brother tomorrow.  came home, had lunch, and finished the first draft of Mechanical Jesus.  IT'S DONE!!! FINALLY, IT'S DONE!  i'm very happy about that. editing will start tonight.  I wish i had an editor i could hand this off to now, but the cover is done, the text is done, once the editing is done it can go up on the board.  i an start The Book of Lazarus to begin the year.  back on track.

the year nears its conclusion...but not for me.  i am just in finishing the third month of my year long orbit.  its been interesting so far.  nothing like i wanted it to go, but that's understandable.  and it's been a learning excursion so far, also not out of the realm of reality.
today has been another of those low energy, low maintenance days, by dint of nothing scheduled and no need to burn energy without purpose.  prayers and gym and returning movies.  writing and cooking and napping.  spoke to R and spoke to TP and am just waiting for sleep to sweep me under.  i know its coming.  i wish that i had days of eventful things, and the truth is, i do, but i don't always pay attention as i should.  like, i came to understand this morning that i believe my inner child, toti, has been fairly happy for a few weeks now, maybe up to a month.  i haven't been stressing, and the only harsh i've had is R not coming by.  so what do you do?  mom's been gone for a month, back tomorrow.  that could be part of it.  and Syd is doing somewhat better in school, could also be part of it.  but i think it's doing the work on me i need to do, doing this on a daily basis for the most part, and not trying to find a shortcut but being willing to walk this all the way through.
happiness on the inside.  what a fucking concept.  i'm listening to the Dell's version of Parliament's 'all your goodies are gone'...phenomenal.  my sponsor would love this.

easy-like

well, i didn't finish my entry from yesterday, but i did eventually post it.  I don't know why i didn't get back to it.  i know i felt a bit of the same blues as last week.  R and i seem to not be able to get together.  she says she wishes she were here, but i know that when we spent so much time it was because her children were with their families and she had time and no one she had to watch.  it's different, doing this as parents.  but i am resisting the urge to just import flesh, to just have someone that i can utilize for the attention and release that i need.  i'm being honest about it.  i want something significant with R, and i'm willing to do what i have to to have that, but what if i'm just being naive, again?  what if this is just me doing the 'let's just be friends' thing in secret, hiding my heart from myself?  i choose not to believe that, but that's a choice.  but, another weekend, no R, and i'm feeling a bit down.  didn't get to the Hall but i did make it to my meeting.  have to get to the Hall next week.
i got up okay, though a bit later than usual.  prayer and medicine, a frittata for breakfast, and a decision as far as staying home and not going to the Hall, which was mostly born from going back to bed.  then, a bath, talked to TP, longer than i'd planned but i'm trying to remain grateful for God keeping me plugged into someone during the previous month, when my depression is famously blossomed.  i went to Walmart for donuts for meeting and for something else for R's gift basket, and i got to my meeting.  i passed my keys on to Matt, the new secretary for the past several months, so though i'll still attend, i'm not a 'have to be there' personnel anymore. and that's good.
now i'm deciding if i should just heat the stroganoff or do catfish for dinner.  i think i'd rather do catfish, but i guess since Syd is here i'm going with the stroganoff.  it's cool.  compromise is okay, even when it's with yourself.
i have nothing to complain about today.  i just want to finish the day the same way.  but i miss R.  and i hope she misses me too.

well, what will this saturday bring?  it is beginning well.  i'm up, though reluctantly.  I'm still sore, but that's about par for the old-age course.  i have prayed, and i have taken insulin and meds and i am currently preparing to move on, get out of the house and tend to some business today.  it's one of those things, need to see about a comforter my aunt located at goodwill and need to fill up my gas tank while gas is relatively low.  i feel okay mentally.  i am prepping now, and kind of need to get my beef in the crockpot with onions so that my stroganoff will begin coming together, but for now i want to take care of some things.  like hooking up the new wireless router at my mom and dad's house so it will be on and working when she comes home.  like keeping my expectations at a minimum so that i don't wander into the scary land of profound disappointment if my dinner wants fall through.  if R can't make it, its movies and fish and writing and getting ready for tomorrow.  if she does, we'll see what we can see.  either way, i am working on acceptance, trying to remember to stick to basics so i don't have to go back to them, and starting off with progress.  decided i'll let Syd head out today, just because.  also decided to take the stalks from the asparagus i have marinating, cook them softer in chicken broth seasoned with sage, oregano, basil, salt and pepper, toss them into my pulser with some oil to break them down, put them back into the broth to get the essence out of them, strain their pulps out of the mixture, re-season with some onion and garlic powder, chili powder and more basil, cause i like basil, shred the last of my chipotle cheddar cheese into it and add some evaporated milk and powdered mashed potatoes to thicken.  cream of asparagus soup.  never made it before.  its delicious.  and it's a keeper as a soup recipe.  oh, and some butter, don't forget the butter.

torture

if there is a more exquisite form of torture than the elliptical machine at the fitness center, i don't want to know about it.  i am hurting.  i am literally hurting from sea to shining sea.  five, seven minutes on that hellish thing and i feel the next day as if i have been assaulted with a vehicle.  ah, well, such is life.
i had a day.  that's what can be said about today.  i did not go to the gym, but i did get my prayer in this morning.  i went to counseling.  i did dinner with my child's friend, but the conversation didn't happen because A, i was sore as hell and just wanted to eat and B, because the friend was late and i had to eat on time due to my insulin.  i found some other things i was looking for for R's thing that i got her.  i went with T to look at a house she intends to buy.  it continues to amaze me that it can be overlooked, when a person is asking if you are troubled, that they may be the source of your trouble.  but it doesn't matter.  i have plans that i've only given partial hope to.  i can't do full hope, because that disappointment hits me a bit too hard.  but i can do some hope, and some planning, and in the meantime, i have to clean, and i have to write, and i have to cook this beef stroganoff because it's what's for dinner.  and i have to be good to me tomorrow, because that's a very important part of the day.  it was good to see my counselor.  nothing too serious, but i know an extended stretch is coming soon where they won't be in and i want to storehouse some of VF's wisdom for the dry stretch.  i don't have much today either.  gonna crash, get some rest and kick tomorrow in the ass, or get kicked in the ass by tomorrow, but one way or another, ass will be kicked.  thank you, Father, and peace to this universe that contains us all.

uneventful

i don't have much to say today.  it wasn't an eventful day, it was just a day of doing some things and trying some things and basically chilling.  the gym was cool, after taking Syd to her bus.  i tried the Elliptical machine for five minutes, and i still don't like it but i guess i'm going to work on it and see what i can see.  i went to the store, got R a present, have to find some things to go with it, but its done.  R's present, Syd's phone, and its pretty much a wrap for the holidays.  simple dinner, ate well today, sugar's been good, and no bad news.  guess i'm going to break bread with my child's friend tomorrow.  it's cool, its time to set the parameters and establish the hierarchy once and for all.  i don't know, its been a pretty blah day.  the book is almost done.  i don't believe i really have much more than this today.  so, ciao, and thank you Father for a cool resting day.

ignition and flight, again

i posted a comment about the fantasy of Christmas today, not the lights and gifts and goodwill towards mankind bullshit.  the fantasy, as in the mass delusion that is subscribed to by an entire country just about, that a man, actually a hyperthyroidal elf from the North Pole has somehow gained the power to deliver, to all the morally guilted 'good' children on earth, a bunch of toys that somehow their parents DIDN'T pay for, all in one night with flying deer tethered to his sled.  this is a mass lie that is subscribed to and co-signed by just about every adult in America and millions of others in so-called 'developed' countries.  its enough to make me wonder about the true nature of insanity in the world today.  point being, there are things that we as a nation or as people decide to believe in, though there is no real basis for that belief and in fact it mostly works against us in the long run.  such as the subscription to the fictionalization of the institution of slavery.  or the denial system that is constantly reinforced that says there is no racism, sexism, class-ism or even alcoholism in this country, that those are mostly all figments of whatever group's imagination who don't want to 'pull themselves up by their bootstraps'.  but it is enough to make you wonder.  you don't have to be liberal or conservative, you can simply want truth to be your guiding light...but then you get labeled a hippie and they still have a box for you.  and i guess that is the whole point to me.  the boxes that we end up packaged in and become content with despite how they don't do us a whole lot of good.
Christmas for my family was a tumultuous time when i was a kid.  i've gone over that far too many times for me to indulge myself now...Jehovah's Witnesses and Baptist wars over flying turkeys and overturned tables...nuff said.  but there was something more, something that was truly the lesson that at least my brother Jerry and I, and likely Rob as well, learned from and adapted when we became men.
my dad never really gave an inch on his beliefs, but my mom did.  my dad would go out, last night before christmas, and he would buy everything for everyone that night.  or at least the people he just wanted to make sure he didn't forget.  he'd go to Consolidated mostly, which mutated into Big Lots.  and we'd go through and he load up his basket for things for his family, our family, my mom's people, and he'd tell us to get what we wanted.  He'd stay up all night wrapping our stuff to put under his Charlie Brown tree.  and despite the fact that we didn't believe, that they were in a land war without apparent end, that we were learning to hate him and fear him though he never gave us a hungry or cold or unsheltered day...he made sure we had his version of the holiday.
my mom, over the years, has pretty much given up on progress in her religion.  she was as rigid as they come, to the point of censoring our movies, music and entertainment of all kinds, even having someone come in as an 'exorcist' for my sister at one point because there were zodiac symbols on a lamp in her room (likely purchased by my dad).  witchcraft, magic, violent sports, monsters, etc, were all banned...but not today.  now she's a Harry Potter aficionado, she has friends who curse and she is pretty indulgent in whatever she wants to be.  i suppose we were the prize, but there were no winners.  but my dad hasn't changed.  still attends his church when he wants to, still buys presents for whom he chooses, but he doesn't put up the Charlie Brown tree anymore.
i don't believe in Christmas at all.  its a pagan ritual fused with the Roman calendar in order to bring the first century 'christians' into their belief system.  its got more to do with Odin than Jesus.  but i've let my daughter have a tree...usually in her room, because i'm not into it.  i've let her hang lights in her window.  i have abused the belief in Santa Claus to no end, even telling Deja and Syd that he was killed breaking into a house.  but the real deal was, i let them know that i bought them what i could and since i worked and hustled for their shit i wasn't giving credit to any fictional white man.  i don't have a problem with that today.
but its enough to make me think about what this really means to people.  what is so powerful of a motivation that a person would endorse a lie to their children, year after year, when the truth that their parents indulged them with what they wanted because they decided to behave themselves for most of the year would be a much more touching situation and actually a lesson that would continue past that moment, wouldn't it?  i would like to know where the lie originally began being endorsed, because as i said, it's not the only big lie that the majority of people buy into.  but it is the most enigmatic one, in my observation.
eating has been on and off and on today.  i'm currently making meat loaf, a baked potato and greens.  i had two slices of pizza for lunch, and an egg sandwich for breakfast.  i went to my meeting and saw friends and even one or two people i can't stand.  i prayed for forgiveness for my judgmental attitiude, but it didn't go away.  i am going to write now, else this iced coffee is going to fuck up my sleep for nothing.  i guess that's about it, got the engines fired and we're moving again, and we're going to try to get back on our flight path, so that this orbit will show us what we need to see.  Thank you, Jehovah, for your correction and the direction that i need.  

time

there are 24 hours in a day, according to man.  in those twenty-four hours, everyone has periods of peak performance and periods of far below peak.  its easy to start a day strong and then finish weak as hell for me.  this is something i'm working on changing now.
a two egg sandwich is two hundred and sixty calories.  good enough for breakfast.
prayer and conversation with my child started the day.  i am weary of coming into the living room area in the morning and picking up after her.  i'm keeping her home this weekend so that she can understand i mean what i say.  i went to the gym but only walked a mile.  out of sorts a bit, but i got in some exercise, got my heart beat racing a bit so that's good too.  i am tired as fuck, and i need a quick nap i believe, but i'm not sure why.  been writing in Mechanical Jesus quite a bit lately, sitting at the computer for long stretches makes me tired.  so we'll see what the day brings when we see.

A day starts well. It moves with purpose and direction. Then forgotten thoughts impose on the consciousness. Adjustments incautiously made. And the derailment has happened.
T.F. came over for coffee. Thought about, but did not act on, bedroom things. But the thought was there. Then there was lunch with Lonnie. Low sugar meant heavier carb intake. Planned therefore a super-responsible dinner. Then A. invited me for dinner at Chinese place, where I sit waiting for her. Feast or famine can translate literally. BUT. Company, friendship, conversation, all very beneficial. God gives and man either accepts or misinterprets. Life on life's terms. More later.

night now.  in my bed.  its a day to think about.  a day starts well.  it ends okay.  between you either feast or you starve, spiritually and emotionally.  i received what i needed.  i enjoyed the company of many friends, and i did the things that i wanted to do.  i didn't talk to R, but you can't have everything.  maybe tomorrow, maybe thursday.  but for now, the thing i need to remember is that a day has 24 hours, and all of them have to be lived in tandem and in purpose if things are going to get back on track.  this was a good discovery day.  i am still looking for pacification.  i am still taking short cuts, knowing they actually lead to the long way.

undermining

things change, and there's not much you can do about it.  you can be angry, or sad, or miserable, or enraged, and the thing will still have changed.  you can sulk, or pout, or laugh maniacally or whistle in the dark alley of your mind, and the change will still have happened.  i'm tired today, but i'm forcing myself to act, because things change, and i guess i'm changing too.
i wrote for shit yesterday, because i was lonely and i am tired of being lonely.  i could have at least three women in my life but that wouldn't change the loneliness, because you can be in a room full of people and feel alone.  i have one person, R, who makes the space seem completely filled when she's around, and she's practically inaccessible.  i am tired, and i am lonely and that makes me sad.  but there are things to be done and i'm the one that has to do them, so i continue on.
i slept well, but i woke too early again.  i don't know why i'm not staying under, i mean, i don't know for sure, but i have a good idea.  i ate a turtle brownie yesterday.  i shouldn't have even had it.  some desserts are okay, but you can push things way too far when you are a self-saboteur.  so i'm sure it was an excessive dessert, my sugar was up and i didn't sleep as well as i should have because of that.  my prayers were shaky, but i did pray.  and i got up and got started with coffee and writing, which made a lot of things feel better.  Syd got up acting sick, and i didn't really feel like dealing with the school calling later so i called her off.  i went to the gym much later than usual, worked on the weight machines and then came home.  i had breakfast after i took my insulin and meds, and i am now watching television, thinking on things i need to get done today.
i am not going to sit and feel sorry for anyone, not for sitting in their shit and letting the disease have its way with them.  but i know i'm being moved about by my own disease.  i know that i am feeling this frustration because it makes the desserts and the snacks easier to eat, it makes the larger portions on my plate and increased carbs easier to justify.  i am losing weight, my sugar is good with less insulin.  i am at the gym at least four days a week.  my bills are paid, and things are going well.  that is the most fearful thing that my grown me ever faces; a balanced and productive life.
i put in one application yesterday but have forgotten who its with and they likely won't call anyway.  i really am feeling out of sorts, but i'm going to be okay today.  i wanted to get this stuff down because i know when this passes i won't be able to look back and see what i did to maintain unless i journal it now.  i'm going to write more this afternoon.
coming to the closing of the day.  nothing much happened.  i did more writing.  i talked to Tina, so i guess things are cool.  i fed Syd, i ate too much lasagna, i talked to my brother briefly and Lonnie as well.  i am still feeling pretty blah, but that's not a problem.  tomorrow i have some things to get done, but it's not going to be so overwhelming that i can't keep pushing to a more positive thing.  but i do have to address being off track and get back on it.
my eating hasn't been disciplined, while my workouts have been more so.  but they have to go hand in hand.  i have to get back to eating with awareness and deliberation.  i'm sure the lonely focus and the isolation are a big part of it.  eating is a solitary intimate act.  it's spiritual masturbation for a food fiend such as myself.  so eating responsibly is more of a sexual intercourse with one's spirit, as the life it produces is one based on love and not just the need to get off  gonna have to remember that analogy.  anyway, i am going to keep that in the front of my mind.  i can talk a lot and not tell anything.  i can say a little and reveal everything.  no more games.  i am ready to resume.  love, prayers and good vibes.  thank you, Jehova, for a good day.

sunday again.  i just read something that stated how a broken heart is processed by the same area of the brain as physical pain is.  you wonder at time who receives money to state the obvious and why you yourself have no access to giveaway money such as this.  or, at least, i do.
i don't know what i'm going to do today.  i'm bummed.  i didn't get to hang with R yesterday.  haven't had that chance in way too long.  finding myself drifting, mentally, emotionally.  needs that i won't acknowledge as needs, wants that are strong enough to compromise my integrity, almost.  i want to stay in bed.  i want to hurt someone or something.  i'm sad.  i'm lonely and i'm bored.  i don't want to plan anything because what's the point?  she's not taking advantage of me, not taking me for granted either.  she has children, as i have a child.  she is doing it solo, same as me.  but i want more.  i want her.  selfish, i know, but this is honesty and lies leave me compromised.
i've had a rough day.  it's been a very uneventful day, but inside my head, the blues have been prevalent.  i didn't want to be bothered.  i didn't go to the Hall, and i didn't go to the meeting.  I let Bob know i wasn't going , but i didn't answer the phone for Marc and I didn't text Matt back.  i eventually spoke to Tina but didn't have anything to say as i told her i was in a shitty mood and that didn't seem to resonate.  i didn't want to distance myself, but i am allowed down days from time to time.
i'm going to go to bed, go to the gym in the morning and move my day in a more productive way than today moved.  i don't know.  i am grateful for life, but i'm lonely as fuck right about now.

the stars through the fog

this saturday started pretty rough.  i woke early early for some reason.  just didn't drift back off when two o'clock got me going.  i got my prayers in at the table as i checked my blood sugar.  made sure i took my meds as i didn't yesterday.  cold as shit.  24 this morning.  had breakfast, watched some cartoons and an episode of the Rifleman, and then i passed back out.  in and out of sleep for a bit. talked to P in Columbus, program friend, not about anything in particular.  cold is making it hard to move but just means i'm moving slow, not that i'm stopped.  finally, ten-thirty, got my ass up and dressed.  about to hit the store, some things needed, some things wanted for dinner.  preparing for R if she shows, prepared for her not to show.  serenity is hoping for the best but being able to accept the worst without being a bitch.  i feel sluggish but the brain is turning over variations of different scenarios in different situations, so i think i'm good.  later.

surrealism

there are days when things seem to be very out of sorts.  surreal, i guess would be as good a word as any.  these are days when i can't really put my finger on any particular thing.  nothing is wrong, nothing is especially right, and things just sort of move along until they reach a new time, or a plateau, or the next day, i guess.
i woke early but didn't move til later.  i went to the gym after i took Syd to the bus.  i only did a mile on the treadmill today, just wasn't feeling anything more than that.  i had a pretty normal breakfast, counseling was good, inasmuch as looking through the similarities between what i and VF are currently experiencing goes.  i think that is part of the surrealism, though i wouldn't change it.  counselors, by their trade, are at times very emotionally detached.  they have to be, because they are essentially the canvas upon which a willing and open client can paint abstracts of their emotional imagery, and the counselor can then use their intake skills to change the blots and blurbs into a coherent picture.  i've never enjoyed counseling like that.  if i can't feel you, i can't see any point to giving you access to me.  its just the way i am.  so to have a counselor going through some very human things, it makes it easier for me to share, to speak from the inside, to trust.  not all of us have the ability to trust those with whom we have put our minds and mentalities in the care of.  i trust VF implicitly.
after counseling, i went home and tried to nap though i said i wouldn't and, in fact, i didn't.  i cleaned my living room and dining room.  i worked on a a pot of mostly white turkey chili and i listened to music.  this wasn't a writing day, but i wanted it  to be.  i got a visit from my brother who brought me a container of chili and a sleeve of crackers and i gave him the coffee i got for him yesterday.  i finished making my own chili and i watched some television.  i debated on the store and decided no point putting the cart before the horse, which is to say i had no verification R was coming by today so what would it really be getting ready for?
the evening was eating chili, talking to Lonnie and R and mailing off a letter to j&fs.  i visited my dad and aunt, and i came home and fucked around on the internet.  i don't know...these are good days in that they are uneventful.  but they're not so good days for the same reason.  i am restless.  but restlessness won't kill me.  
i am hoping for time with R tomorrow.  i am hoping to write and cook and drink coffee and finish my cleaning and have some intimate time.  i don't want to want it too badly, because therein lies disappointment.  i want to wake up, and the day will take care of itself should that happen.  i am grateful for this life, and all that comes with it, for learning or teaching.

blah-day

i decided to take a break from the gym today.  my shoulder is hurting quite a bit, and i figured to rest it and just take care of some business.  i've been to the stores for supplies, paid my rent and have to pay bills this afternoon.  i've got Syd's phone paid and i still have to take care of the utilities, my meds and a few other things.  so its a pretty normal third of the month.  i may go for a walk this evening, depending on the temperature.  i know i strained my shoulder yesterday working on weights, but i'm going to live.  i have to remember that i can't do what i want to do all the time; sometimes i have to settle for just doing what i can.
i feel listless, like i want to be into something.  my mind is working well with my muse as far as the book goes, but i can't sit still for long stretches.  i don't know what it is, but i have the feeling something is heading toward me.  i want to make sure i'm ready for it, whatever it is.
got to lunch with Lonnie today.  not a big deal, just time to hang out, eat some burritos and conversate.  don't get to do enough of that lately.  planted more mental seeds with Syd today.  i can only work this a bit at a time.  prepping the soil for the planting, planting carefully, but only God can make the fruit grow.  day labor plants the seeds, the Creator does the power work.
i got the big three bills paid, and i got my meds ordered.  got everything but dish cloths on my list, didn't see them at Big Lots.  got to deal with this j&fs issue tomorrow, get my crib cleaned and try to relax over the weekend.  gym in the a.m., counseling at 9, and back to it.  maybe i'll get to hang out with R this weekend.  that would be supernice.  i don't know.  i'm feeling the changes, but its feeling pretty good this time.  i guess in its own way that's the scary part.  but i'm not scared.  go figure.
nothing special.  blah kind of day.  first real snowfall this winter.  i love the mindset of people.  there will be a first snowfall of winter and a first snowfall of 2016, as if one is not inclusive of the other.  we are getting dumber and its by design.  oh, well, not tonight.  good night, thank you Father, and peace in the world around me i pray.

Maintenance

it's about 830 in the evening.  talking to R, thinking back on the day.  it's been another day of peacefulness, another day of moving forward by degrees.  another day of thought.  i like thought.  i like processing things, feeling what i feel and allowing those feelings to change the way i perceive things at any given time.
i started the day with prayer.  i got to the gym at five thirty and worked on weight machines for forty-five minutes.  i came home, did some writing, had some coffee and took Syd to her bus, attempting to speak to her again.  i came back home, had breakfast and wrote and chilled until it was time for my podiatrist appointment.  got to my doctor just before 830 am, he said all seemed well with my feet and i endured him cutting my toe nails.  it is endurance.  i hate someone putting sharp objects anywhere near my feet.  i called my brother on my way back up Belmont, and then i went to my parent's house to take the trash out for them which my brother usually does.  i talked to my dad for a minute and i talked to my aunt for a minute as well.  then i came home.  i took my meds and then i went to my meeting.  it was a decent meeting, but it always makes me sad to have so few people in meetings where we once had almost standing room only.  but it is what it's supposed to be at the moment.  i came back home and started working on dinner prep and writing some more, then decided i was hungry and went to taco bell, which was a mistake.  got some food, came back home and chilled til Syd got home from school.  i cooked dinner, watched the latest episode of Doctor Who, made a beef pot pie, chicken and fish and scalloped potatoes and i ate my dinner while Syd was out.  then i talked to Tina briefly, wrote a bit more and came in my room to relax.  R called, and we spoke for a while and that's where i was at when i started this.
i am responding to some things far better than i'm accustomed to.  one of the promises of the 12 step program, in a section that is often mistakenly called the 12 promises, it states 'we will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us'.  this and the other promises come as the result of cleaning personal space, 'clearing away the wreckage of our pasts' as it were.  being in the process of doing that now, i am finding that some solutions manifest themselves more quickly than they used to and i am happy about that.  it is an indication of the changes that are happening.
sometimes someone tells you they can see the change in you, as R did yesterday, and that feels good.  but sometimes, every now and then, you're able to see it yourself, and that feels GREAT.  and it allows me to build on it, to know that if i keep doing the work, i'll keep getting the results.  'we are not cured; what we have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition'.  this is the truth.  Thank you, father, for the day, and for the night to come.    

blasted, cont.

tuesday morning.  the internet in my home seems to be functioning again.  i'm calling time/warner to find out what the fuck they were doing and what they're going to do to compensate for it, but for now, i can get back to work.  i'm going to insert the saved part of yesterday's entry, including what did post, and that way i can be on track without having actually missed another day.

'sometimes, life just moves you to where you need to be at a particular moment.  when it happens, you're usually not expecting it, and it's only in hindsight that you see just how amazing this thing can be.  if you choose not to believe in anything bigger than yourself, you may just chalk it up to the random nature of all things, or coincidence.  I personally believe that God does for me what I cannot do for myself, at all times, in all ways,and I am extremely grateful for that.  
i saw an old friend yesterday.  her name is L (not giving last names without permission and i didn't ask for hers) and we got back to the first grade.  i have communicated with her on facebook briefly, but i hadn't sought to run into her.  mostly because i've not sought to run into too much of anyone.  i've approached some old friends with amends, and others with apologies, and have every intention of doing some more opening up in the coming year, but i have not sought out anyone to resume any particular level of friendship from previous years.  that's for a reason.  the reason is two fold.  one, because there is no good way to try to catch up to however many years has slid off into the icy waters of the past/distance that imposes itself between friends.  once those years are gone, they're gone, and you're not going to get them back no matter how much you may want to.  second, i wasn't feeling real good about myself.  wasn't liking what i look like, wasn't liking being down on my ass financially.  felt like, wow, what would i say if i met someone in my life position?  and that's the crazy thing;  i wouldn't say SHIT.  i would treat them like the person they ARE, not like the things they don't possess.  and that's exactly what L did for me, so again i say, life moves you where you need to be at a particular moment.
she's older, as we all are.  and she's a short woman, which is funny because she was so damn imposingly large when i was a young kid.  but she's got the smile and those eyes, and she's got that glow that says her spirit is doing good, and we hugged and i kissed her on the cheek and we talked right there in the grocery store.  and that was a really cool thing.  i messaged her my number when i got home and sent her an invite to my new main FB page, and she accepted it and she called me today'.  

so, that was where i was yesterday.  i had a long talk with L and it was different, having a personal conversation with someone plugged in to the elements of my yesterdays and doing productive things today.  usually it's one or the other.  or, in my case for so long, neither.  but for now it's a good move, a good thing.  and it felt good, going back, traveling through time with someone safe.  when i see someone from my way back, my kid tends to respond to their kid.  it's interesting to experience, but at the same time i'm discovering that the adult that i'd become had poisoned my kid, and that may be the reason for the long withdrawals.  but i also see a different light shining right now, a light that tells me maybe my isolation period is about ended.  that would be wonderful.  it would be nice to open up the apartment again, do some creative things again, make some good music and poetry again, do some improvisation again.  like it was back on Wood Street.  without the illusion of the need for a 'garden', because that ain't gonna happen.  Gardens of that variety come built-in with serpents and snakes.  so its something i'm pondering.  and it's a good way to get some other things began as well.  there is healing necessary, it's not just for me but i have to be at the center of my own universe.  i have to be the thing that i primarily orbit around.  everything else swings off from that.
i have said my prayer to start my day, folded clean clothes and am having coffee.  i am going to write, get Syd to her bus and hit the gym.  i'm going to call my dad back and see what he wanted last night.  i'm going to have fish for my dinner and likely cook chicken for Syd's.  i am going to make out my lists so that thursday i can pay rent, get supplies and pay bills over the weekend.  i see a light in the sky ahead of me...it is showing me a different way, and i am going to pray for the courage to follow it.  more later.
its later in the morning.  i've went to the gym, and i am writing because i'm proud of myself today.  i set a goal and i hit it, thanks to God and toti and me.  i set the treadmill on rolling hills to one hour.  i walked averaging 2.5 miles and that's exactly what i hit, two and a half miles, burned about 650 calories.  my feet hurt, my legs are sore, and i'm afraid once i take this bath i'm going to sleep.  but i did it.  last week was fifty minutes, yesterday was just one mile, and today i increased and hit the mark.  and i know God loves me because i got a lovely older blonde to unobtrusively glance at while i pushed myself.  shake, rattle and roll.
anyway, i've had my breakfast, my thoughts are calm, my heart feels good, and i know the things i'd like to finish the day with.  i heard from R, and though it was a text i'm hoping she calls in a bit.  i'm thinking on this being december.  first day.  Syd's mom's birthday.  i don't really care about that.  but she wished me a happy anniversary, only person in the Program to text and do so.  i suppose i'll do the same, though i won't be the only person to do so.  i think the reality is, i've stepped away from the world so i could survive, that the issue wasn't my mental stability as it was my emotional strength was pretty much worn away by the events of the previous ten years.  sometimes, you have to stop.  sometimes, you have to take a time out, take a knee, whatever your terminology is.  because life ain't going to stop.  life is a train that just keeps rolling.  so you have to stop, you have to catch a breather.  and when you don't, you make stupid mistakes, bad errors in judgment, you leave yourself open for synergetic increases in pain.  i don't want to go through that anymore.  so i think the God of my understanding put some good people in my life, brought me to a place where i could begin to put down some permanent roots, and helped me to cultivate some strength for a further journey.  and seeing that, i am glad that i can proceed.  like, throwing away most of two cakes and two pies because it's tine to get back on track.  like, going from leftovers three times a day to eggs and toast again, because that's the better breakfast.  like, pushing through for an extra ten minutes, and the next time i get on i doubt i'll even go that far, but i will push further soon.  one day i'll be able to cross this city on foot.  and not be worn out by it.
days almost done.  surprises come and interest goes.  got a letter from job and family services today (welfare) about them finding the settlement from when my former employers fired me as i lay almost dying in the hospital and sued them.  the moment of panic that i felt was replaced by rational thinking and realizing that i can get through this rather honestly and without a major freakout.  i went with my father to his landlord meeting and managed to last through most of it before the people began to grate unerringly against my bad nerves, but i did get a picture of an amazingly bastardized version of history at the ymha building.  i feel good, sugar's good, life is good today.  Syd is still running an F in math, and her teacher is not going to put in time after school to help her any longer, and i don't blame him.  she's going to have to find a way to pull her head out of her ass, and she may not be able to.  but it is on her, and that's where it needs to be.  the writing's been good and i can't think of a thing to complain about.  so, on that good note, thank you Jehovah for a wonderful day, and i'm about done here.

past blasted

sometimes, life just moves you to where you need to be at a particular moment.  when it happens, you're usually not expecting it, and it's only in hindsight that you see just how amazing this thing can be.  if you choose not to believe in anything bigger than yourself, you may just chalk it up to the random nature of all things, or coincidence.  I personally believe that God does for me what I cannot do for myself, at all times, in all ways,and I am extremely grateful for that.
i saw an old friend yesterday.  her name is L (not giving last names without permission and i didn't ask for hers) and we got back to the first grade.  i have communicated with her on facebook briefly, but i hadn't sought to run into her.  mostly because i've not sought to run into too much of anyone.
i'm going to cut this short tonight, because my internet is fucking up pretty badly.  i saved the original content of this post up to a point, and i'll do it along with tomorrows at the same time.  til then, good night and patience, explanations are forthcoming.

faith or compliance?

the days are short now, darkness comes in like a bully and stays like an unwanted guest.  but it's winter in Youngstown.  such as that is.  it's been cold the past few days, and that's coming off a Thanksgiving that was about 60 plus degrees.  i'm surprised the flu hasn't beaten me to the ground yet.  but i feel good.  i am alone, i am pensive, i am eating sweets that are all going in the trash in the morning (except my anniversary cake), but i'm good.
today i went to both the Kingdom Hall and my 12 step meeting.  i didn't actually have to force myself to do either, but it wasn't a smooth transition either.  because my sugar's been good, i can feel the voice of my adult saboteur trying to convince me that i'm doing better than i am.  i anticipated a derailment at thanksgiving, and to be honest i even figured that i'd be eating poorly for a few days after.  but that's the end of the story.  in the morning, the pies and cakes go into the trash.  the trash goes to the dumpster and i get to the gym and start building up again.
i saw R on friday, and no more.  i am sad behind that, but i'm okay.  to have a day, several hours, conversation and food and movies and kisses and closeness, that's worth the absence.  but only to some degree.  i still need time with her.  want, maybe, is the better term.  need means i will suffer adverse consequences if i don't have time with her.  want means i can live my life and if she is available it's a nice bonus.  i know the difference today.  just like i know how to get this written and get back to my netflix for the evening.
i guess i want to keep moving in a good direction.  i know my days are shorter, as everyone alive can honestly say.  but when you can feel it, when life seems like the uphill climb is growing steeper, it makes you think.  27 years clean.  i'm two days into my 28th year.  i never really thought i'd be alive at 47 years old.  but that just goes to show the real lesson of Job: ''Where were you when I created the earth?"  that's the deal.  accept that you're not God and that there is one.  accept that God's will does not need your approval, only your compliance.  and accept that trying to usurp God's authority has bad consequences for everyone involved.
i spoke to my mom today.  she sounds better.  i did speak to R today.  wish she was here now.  but i'm going to the gym, and i'm going to write, and i'm going to finish my clothes and make me some fish for dinner.  so, you know, when i see her, i'll see her.  until then, my heart still holds her at its center, and that's good enough for me.  thank you, Jehovah, for reminding me what Job had to be reminded of.

cruisin'

this has been a pretty slow day, and i'm appreciative of that.  i essentially did nothing today, but i did it constructively and have no complaints about that, after the days that have gone past.  the only part i didn't like was how R's day got sidelined and i didn't get to see her, but even still, i had a day of peace and that's worth a lot.
i slept well, woke up and got started in the usual ways.  as R and i had planned on spending time today, i was doing the things i had to do, but not pushing for any quick changes, because three movies take a long time to watch.  sugars were good, took meds and had breakfast after prayer and i wrote a bit.  i crashed often, or laid down, and eventually i jumped in the tub and took my bath.  i went to the library in the afternoon to find some books and pick up the dvd's i'd put holds on.  i got home and did my prep for our dinner and went to the store to get some things needed.  when the hour got a bit late i figured it wasn't going to happen so i just made the dinner stuff and ate and wrote and watched some more television.  i saw my brother and my dad, i got out the house, i shaved my head and face, i've read, i've written, i've eaten well enough and i'm about to lock my front door and shut it down for the night.  i'm planning on going to the Hall and to the meeting tomorrow, so rest is a must.  i'm grateful, and my only true wisdom today is that an absence of things is also an absence of bad things, so that's good.  good night, and peace and blessings from above.

sub-orbitals

today is my anniversary.  it is the first day of my twenty-eighth year sober, which means i've just completed twenty-seven years clean.  it is a blessing, but it is not a grand thing, except for the short lifespan of the average cocaine/crack addict.  we don't stay around forever, and more and more often, addicts are finding new and creative ways to die.  i am blessed in so many ways.  i am blessed to have gotten sober in 1988.  as opposed to these days, in this decade, in this millennium, when i don't think it's possible to find anyone to give you the principles of recovery that can truly help you stay focused on change and service and love.  i am blessed in that i have so much, an abundance, that has come to my through my God since i got clean.  things that i never even knew were important to me, my children, my family relationships, my writing, my poetry, my thoughts, my intelligence and the wisdom that time is creating from that intelligence plus experience.  i am blessed because i am able to see me and like what i see.  i just had a mess on my kitchen floor.  putting a bottle of water back in (yes, i fill up from the tap and put the bottle in to get cold, like the old days and old ways proscribe) and something knocked over a bottle of flavored creamer which fell into a container full of roast beef and spilled them both to the floor.  almost instantly i went to 'dammitdammitDAMMIT!' and being angry and frustrated, but i quickly got to 'that's why they're called accidents' and cleaned it up.  now, i don't think that's a big deal for most people, but i do have that mentality that things happen and sometimes things make things happen.  this particular time, i just feel like i had something not balanced right and therefore i lost a lid to a creamer that i like and a container that was useful, as the blow from the bottle split the container.  and i have coffee and i have cold water and i'm writing.
so, we begin a journey around the sun again.  a sub-orbit, if you will.  and the original orbit has not been lost, this is an enhancement to the original orbit, as well as the orbit that was in need of enhancing.  life is like that.  there are ellipses that constitute time, not straight lines and not circles.  it wobbles, and it flows, and it halts jerkily and it sometimes swoops and sometimes it crashes and spills its contents and sometimes the mess gets cleaned up and sometimes it doesn't.  but it always goes round, comes round and ends up somewhere with some experience attached to it, if i can dig the lesson.  and that's the beauty of it all.

languor lounge

i should have started this a long time ago today.  i am full and sleepy.  but i've still been pretty responsible with my eating and my health today.  you know when change comes because you try to make your exceptions less exceptional, i guess.
i got up early, went for my walk after my prayer and my medication.  i came back home and took my insulin, had some eggs and toast and started back to my cooking from the night before.  i worked slowly, got progress made and drank lots of coffee.  i got no writing done today, sad to say, because my brain felt fertile.  my family and i had dinner around one, and everyone who came seemed happy.  lots of food, lots of sweet potato pie and lots of music and laughs.  i hung out with De'ja and Syd for a bit, and by evening my energy and mojo were exhausted and i had to put it down for a bit.  i'm up and around now, feeling okay, maybe a touch of a cold coming on.  thinking about R, and where to put these leftovers, the eternal big dinner conundrum in a small apartment.  nothing more to add, hope sleep is a sweet journey for me tonight.  thank you, Jehovah.

boiling point

its wednesday morning, and i'm in a slow burn.

i've been here since yesterday, and i've been building up to this all week, for the most part.
i did sleep okay, and i got my prayers in this morning.  i was still feeling the residuals from yesterday when my child, despite me telling her i needed her help at a specific moment, decided to play rescue ranger in someone else's life.  i don't know the validity of this young man being in a bad situation or not.  i'm not really angry about her helping anyone.  i am, however, livid about the disregard and the constant having to do things myself.  and as i write this, which is the most beneficial part about journaling, i see that this is the old attitude creeping in on me again.  i do nothing by myself; i take on things that many won't take on and i get frustrated with people due to my expectations and my temperament.  but the truth is, i do what i do because it's what i've been taught to do.  and apples fall from apple trees.  so, here we go, i feel deflated now, and i think i can do this day without growling too much.  and i owe that to my child, and my God, and my friends and family.  the steps are amazing when they are applied.

it's kind of funny.  the cooking didn't keep me up all night.  the anger did.  i slept anyway.  listened to the ocean on youtube and drifted off peaceful like.  and when i got up, it was like i just threw my boat right back on the rocks.  i did my part.  i did more than has been done for me.  i called the boy's mother and left a message that he was here because no one answered the phone.  when Syd split at the beginning of the school year no one paid me that courtesy.  and maybe this is what is best.  it certainly is what is going on right now, so there's something for me to learn in it.

i'm heating up things to put them in a thermal carry case A gave me.  i've got to go to the store to get the anniversary cake.  i've got to get ice and gas along the way.  and i've got to get salad dressing for the salad.  i don't even think i'm going to eat, and if i didn't need my serving spoons and containers i wouldn't even stay, as i have a lot of cooking to do today.  but the majority of my prep is done, and the meats are marinated and will be at room temperature this afternoon.  nothing to do but put things together, bake and cook and wait for tomorrow to pretend that Natives and Pilgrims were best of friends (sarcasm).

i am not angry now.  i owe no apologies, as i've done nothing wrong.  but i owe myself an amend, and i think i can see where the self-sabotage has been coming in this month.  i don't have to do everything, i don't have to try to show people who won't see anything, and i don't have to try to describe beauty to blind people.  all i have to do is be grateful i am not blind and appreciate the beauty that i see everyday.  and isn't that enough?

i got to see R briefly yesterday.  sweet center in a very filling dish.  that's it for now, i've got to roll.

...its wednesday night, and my burn is extinguished.
reality is what it is.  you can't alter it, through denial or bargaining.  you can't reshape it with words, you can only make some people buy into your nonsense.  truth is, ultimately, subjective, because it requires a plethora of minds to translate it, but it is not one dimensional.
i am not angry now because i realize i was being set up.  my disease, which i know to be a sentient force, used my anger to take me where i'd closed the door to outright depression.  and even at almost 27 years, i almost fell for it.
the anniversary meeting was exactly what it always is.  people who don't come to the meeting came because there was food to be found.  not many this time, but enough.  and people who chose to share were of a 'i need to control perception about myself', not from the honesty that could change one's life for the better or allow one to be seen more clearly.  it is over though, and my son is here, and Syd only pissed me off once, and my food is coming along well.  that's the deal.  you do things to the best of your ability.  if you pray for sight, you need to prepare to see things.  and you learn to respond, because blind reactions lead to blind reactions.  and when things come together, they are wonderful despite all the pain you go through to get there.  i've got to do my ham and mashed potatoes tomorrow morning, and make my cake frosting, so it's curtains for the waking world.  grateful, thankful and blessed to be sober today, thank you Father.  hasta manana.

...above and beyond...

...there's no other way to put this than the title up there.  i'm exhausted already, and its far too early for such weariness.  i am so grateful, however, because i have not been submerged in depression this year, so far, and that is a wonderful thing to not be.  but the anger is a simmering pot, and there's nothing in it, which makes the question of why is it still on the fire pretty relevant.
i started the day early, didn't sleep too deeply to be honest.  i got up and got started with prayer and coffee.  the dishes weren't put away as i asked Syd to do when she got in last night so i woke her up early to put them away.  this particular dog and pony show, though i know it's part and parcel for parenting a teenager, is really boringly mind-numbingly stupid.  but it is what has to be done.  i got her off to school to catch her bus and i went to the gym.  i set the machine for 50 minutes and varied time and elevation until i was at ten minutes short of an hour walking 2.15 miles.  but i'm paying for it.  feet hurt, legs are weary, its a good challenge but it is not something to take lightly.  i did the gym before taking Syd to school.  after taking her i went to walmart to start picking up supplies for tomorrow's anniversary meeting.  i went to four stores getting things that are needed.
okay, so i am making more coffee.  it's about 230, or 1430 in naval time.  i have got the greens almost cleaned, which means i have to get the turkey and water coming into a broth to start them cooking, and i have to get some containers together to package up things to take to the meeting tomorrow.  the hardest thing for the anniversary lunch will be the cheddar hash brown casserole.  the hardest thing for thursday will be my father.  i don't mind necessarily cooking for him.  i just mind him not really getting that i'm trying to show him i'm different than the child that he remembers.  but sometimes, you do enough damage to a person that a lifetime isn't enough for them to forget the pain you've caused them.  and, i guess, by proxy my mother' pain upon him belongs to my siblings and myself as well.  but he has a choice.  he will come by and enjoy himself.  he will maybe rest and sit back and eat some pie and some cake and watch whatever game is on the tube and chill.  or he may just eat and then go to his next destination.  either way, i am ready to start burning in the kitchen.  not, like, making bad food, more like doing amazing things in exciting ways.
R has my bowls.  i love her, but i want my bowls back.