tuesday morning. the internet in my home seems to be functioning again. i'm calling time/warner to find out what the fuck they were doing and what they're going to do to compensate for it, but for now, i can get back to work. i'm going to insert the saved part of yesterday's entry, including what did post, and that way i can be on track without having actually missed another day.
'sometimes, life just moves you to where you need to be at a particular moment. when it happens, you're usually not expecting it, and it's only in hindsight that you see just how amazing this thing can be. if you choose not to believe in anything bigger than yourself, you may just chalk it up to the random nature of all things, or coincidence. I personally believe that God does for me what I cannot do for myself, at all times, in all ways,and I am extremely grateful for that.
i saw an old friend yesterday. her name is L (not giving last names without permission and i didn't ask for hers) and we got back to the first grade. i have communicated with her on facebook briefly, but i hadn't sought to run into her. mostly because i've not sought to run into too much of anyone. i've approached some old friends with amends, and others with apologies, and have every intention of doing some more opening up in the coming year, but i have not sought out anyone to resume any particular level of friendship from previous years. that's for a reason. the reason is two fold. one, because there is no good way to try to catch up to however many years has slid off into the icy waters of the past/distance that imposes itself between friends. once those years are gone, they're gone, and you're not going to get them back no matter how much you may want to. second, i wasn't feeling real good about myself. wasn't liking what i look like, wasn't liking being down on my ass financially. felt like, wow, what would i say if i met someone in my life position? and that's the crazy thing; i wouldn't say SHIT. i would treat them like the person they ARE, not like the things they don't possess. and that's exactly what L did for me, so again i say, life moves you where you need to be at a particular moment.
she's older, as we all are. and she's a short woman, which is funny because she was so damn imposingly large when i was a young kid. but she's got the smile and those eyes, and she's got that glow that says her spirit is doing good, and we hugged and i kissed her on the cheek and we talked right there in the grocery store. and that was a really cool thing. i messaged her my number when i got home and sent her an invite to my new main FB page, and she accepted it and she called me today'.
so, that was where i was yesterday. i had a long talk with L and it was different, having a personal conversation with someone plugged in to the elements of my yesterdays and doing productive things today. usually it's one or the other. or, in my case for so long, neither. but for now it's a good move, a good thing. and it felt good, going back, traveling through time with someone safe. when i see someone from my way back, my kid tends to respond to their kid. it's interesting to experience, but at the same time i'm discovering that the adult that i'd become had poisoned my kid, and that may be the reason for the long withdrawals. but i also see a different light shining right now, a light that tells me maybe my isolation period is about ended. that would be wonderful. it would be nice to open up the apartment again, do some creative things again, make some good music and poetry again, do some improvisation again. like it was back on Wood Street. without the illusion of the need for a 'garden', because that ain't gonna happen. Gardens of that variety come built-in with serpents and snakes. so its something i'm pondering. and it's a good way to get some other things began as well. there is healing necessary, it's not just for me but i have to be at the center of my own universe. i have to be the thing that i primarily orbit around. everything else swings off from that.
i have said my prayer to start my day, folded clean clothes and am having coffee. i am going to write, get Syd to her bus and hit the gym. i'm going to call my dad back and see what he wanted last night. i'm going to have fish for my dinner and likely cook chicken for Syd's. i am going to make out my lists so that thursday i can pay rent, get supplies and pay bills over the weekend. i see a light in the sky ahead of me...it is showing me a different way, and i am going to pray for the courage to follow it. more later.
its later in the morning. i've went to the gym, and i am writing because i'm proud of myself today. i set a goal and i hit it, thanks to God and toti and me. i set the treadmill on rolling hills to one hour. i walked averaging 2.5 miles and that's exactly what i hit, two and a half miles, burned about 650 calories. my feet hurt, my legs are sore, and i'm afraid once i take this bath i'm going to sleep. but i did it. last week was fifty minutes, yesterday was just one mile, and today i increased and hit the mark. and i know God loves me because i got a lovely older blonde to unobtrusively glance at while i pushed myself. shake, rattle and roll.
anyway, i've had my breakfast, my thoughts are calm, my heart feels good, and i know the things i'd like to finish the day with. i heard from R, and though it was a text i'm hoping she calls in a bit. i'm thinking on this being december. first day. Syd's mom's birthday. i don't really care about that. but she wished me a happy anniversary, only person in the Program to text and do so. i suppose i'll do the same, though i won't be the only person to do so. i think the reality is, i've stepped away from the world so i could survive, that the issue wasn't my mental stability as it was my emotional strength was pretty much worn away by the events of the previous ten years. sometimes, you have to stop. sometimes, you have to take a time out, take a knee, whatever your terminology is. because life ain't going to stop. life is a train that just keeps rolling. so you have to stop, you have to catch a breather. and when you don't, you make stupid mistakes, bad errors in judgment, you leave yourself open for synergetic increases in pain. i don't want to go through that anymore. so i think the God of my understanding put some good people in my life, brought me to a place where i could begin to put down some permanent roots, and helped me to cultivate some strength for a further journey. and seeing that, i am glad that i can proceed. like, throwing away most of two cakes and two pies because it's tine to get back on track. like, going from leftovers three times a day to eggs and toast again, because that's the better breakfast. like, pushing through for an extra ten minutes, and the next time i get on i doubt i'll even go that far, but i will push further soon. one day i'll be able to cross this city on foot. and not be worn out by it.
days almost done. surprises come and interest goes. got a letter from job and family services today (welfare) about them finding the settlement from when my former employers fired me as i lay almost dying in the hospital and sued them. the moment of panic that i felt was replaced by rational thinking and realizing that i can get through this rather honestly and without a major freakout. i went with my father to his landlord meeting and managed to last through most of it before the people began to grate unerringly against my bad nerves, but i did get a picture of an amazingly bastardized version of history at the ymha building. i feel good, sugar's good, life is good today. Syd is still running an F in math, and her teacher is not going to put in time after school to help her any longer, and i don't blame him. she's going to have to find a way to pull her head out of her ass, and she may not be able to. but it is on her, and that's where it needs to be. the writing's been good and i can't think of a thing to complain about. so, on that good note, thank you Jehovah for a wonderful day, and i'm about done here.
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