easy-like

well, i didn't finish my entry from yesterday, but i did eventually post it.  I don't know why i didn't get back to it.  i know i felt a bit of the same blues as last week.  R and i seem to not be able to get together.  she says she wishes she were here, but i know that when we spent so much time it was because her children were with their families and she had time and no one she had to watch.  it's different, doing this as parents.  but i am resisting the urge to just import flesh, to just have someone that i can utilize for the attention and release that i need.  i'm being honest about it.  i want something significant with R, and i'm willing to do what i have to to have that, but what if i'm just being naive, again?  what if this is just me doing the 'let's just be friends' thing in secret, hiding my heart from myself?  i choose not to believe that, but that's a choice.  but, another weekend, no R, and i'm feeling a bit down.  didn't get to the Hall but i did make it to my meeting.  have to get to the Hall next week.
i got up okay, though a bit later than usual.  prayer and medicine, a frittata for breakfast, and a decision as far as staying home and not going to the Hall, which was mostly born from going back to bed.  then, a bath, talked to TP, longer than i'd planned but i'm trying to remain grateful for God keeping me plugged into someone during the previous month, when my depression is famously blossomed.  i went to Walmart for donuts for meeting and for something else for R's gift basket, and i got to my meeting.  i passed my keys on to Matt, the new secretary for the past several months, so though i'll still attend, i'm not a 'have to be there' personnel anymore. and that's good.
now i'm deciding if i should just heat the stroganoff or do catfish for dinner.  i think i'd rather do catfish, but i guess since Syd is here i'm going with the stroganoff.  it's cool.  compromise is okay, even when it's with yourself.
i have nothing to complain about today.  i just want to finish the day the same way.  but i miss R.  and i hope she misses me too.