i apologize, to myself, to toti, to God and to anyone who reads this. my negligence is not forgivable, because it is an indication of me sliding backward. i know that I am. but knowing that i am enables me to be truthful about it and begin to move forward again. this is my intention, to get all the way back on track and begin to move forward with deliberation again. the goal doesn't change. the goal is September 15, and I have time. but i've been going through some changes and it's time to face up to them and start making things right.
so, i had some blues on the 25th of this month, though i don't know exactly why. i think its because i truly enjoyed the november gathering of my family at my apartment. yes, i know i could say christmas and thanksgiving, but i prefer to simply imply that, due to them being the most hypocritical days of the year. nonetheless, i cooked, not much, but i did. and i didn't expect anyone except my brother, and even he didn't show up. and that was okay, but i had no plan B. i had nothing else to do, and no one else to see, and i was lonely. bottom line. and i realized then that it was exactly like so many days preceding it, and it was like so many days following it will be. and that was a heavy thought. but its been a thought lately. like the thoughts that i have to get this paperwork from my lawyer to J&FS, even though the woman who is trying to get in my business won't return my call. therefore, i know they're trying to just deep six my case, cut my funds or Syd's medical and call it a day. i won't let that happen, i will file for an appeal, but i am weary. weary of the struggling. weary of never having enough, always having to be vigilant of my finances because i could end a month struggling badly. weary of trying to get this feeling up off of me. weary of trying to connect with people who only want to bitch and moan, and bring no solutions to the table. i am weary. and stressed, and when i am weary and stressed i isolate and eat. that's the formula. old script, my demons don't have to reach far to find what works. when i'm on my bicycle, when i'm doing the thing, they don't gain that purchase. but there's been enough minutiae over the last month that it's taken a toll on me. i have to get paperwork done with JCC to get my membership renewed. i have to get a job, want a job, but i need something that i can do until i can do more, and what i can do is what i'm doing right now: data entry, data processing, and there's not much listed for that these days. i know, i'm doing nothing but bitching and moaning and not putting solutions up on the table. but i will. and soon. like, i'm hitting the gym tomorrow morning. that doesn't wait til january. like, i'm going to get back to counting my caloric intake again. have to do that. it helps my diabetes as well as the weight loss. like, i'm going to get these papers in to this woman and let God take care of the rest, because it's out of my hands. like, i've finished MECHANICAL JESUS, and i've gone through the Kindle Scout program to try to get it published, which would mean 1500 as an advance. would also mean more exposure for my back log of works and a better chance of my next book having a built in audience. worth a shot.
i guess, in the long run, i'm just lonely. and i am sick of being so. people take. i take. i give, and some people give. all things balance out. it's self-pity, which is also one of the great weapons i've armed my demons with. but i can take it back. i can, if i choose to. and right now, i better make some better choices. because i don't really have it in me to keep striving for mediocrity. i will stay on point with this writing. i will keep moving forward. its rained forever. wonder if its going to flood for real. wouldn't surprise me. tornadoes in the south, earthquakes in texas. but hooray, sixty degrees in december. i'm tired, and a nap sounds like a good idea. not going to my meeting today. not going to the hall either. tomorrow, we get back to the righteous journey. that's my reflection in the light of the sun today. thank you, Jehovah, for keeping me aware.
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