tomorrow is my aunt's funeral. i am going to support my father. i've said my good-bye to a wonderful woman and one of the best people i've met on this planet through prayer already. i can do no more than that, the dead are conscious of nothing. but i am still sad. this is the first year i've been alive that she won't be on this planet. as the spectre of death gets closer to you, your thoughts change, it seems. i don't mind. i told Syd i'm going to arrange for a natural burial. no coffin, no service, none of that nonsense. some have grieved me already. some will find only bitterness associated with my name. it's all the same when the ride is over.
i got up late, but i got up determined. i said my prayers, had a boiled egg and a piece of toast for breakfast. my sugar was okay, so i got myself together and made my way to the gym. i worked out, tried the elliptical again but didn't stay on it that long, but after being out of the gym since last tuesday, this is about getting the engine to turn over, not about getting back into the indy 500. i came home, changed clothes and went to my parent's house to help my dad get his social work license information off the computer. i talked with my mom, took my sister to walmart where she has an interview, went to the store to get some needed things and am now at home waiting for TF. she texted me a happy holiday and since i didn't hear from her since i asked her to call and she didn't i called her. she answered and i invited her over for coffee, thereby tending to my loneliness for today and allowing me to see to a friend's well being without caretaking. i feel its a good start to the day. i don't feel good or bad, just feel like i'm moving in a better direction than i was last week. more later.
i had two pieces of pizza and a bowl of salad for lunch. the pizza was an indulgence, but honestly, two pieces was cool because i could have eaten the five i had left from yesterday and then went back into sabotage mode. everything is relative. working on broths, so i have to figure out what exactly i'm going to make with them. thinking a white chili with the turkey remnants. thinking i'll make some kidneys for myself and i'll save some of this juice for dad's black-eyed peas. i'm going to start on the outline for THE BOOK OF OLD LAZARUS. i want this one to be done exactly right. my muse is going to have to cooperate on this one, because it may be the last book in the Waiting For Jesus series and i want to do justice to it.
the day ends. i had dressing and cabbage for dinner. no meat, but i'm satisfied. my sugar was at 118 when i checked around five, so i only took my long acting insulin for the night.
this is going to be somewhat revelatory. i write often about R. i think i've chosen to allow her to the deep place in my heart. that's not as cold as it may sound. i love her, but there is a difference between loving someone and letting them inside, just like there's a difference between falling into and growing in love. i want R, but i am without her most of the time. we talk every day, and me not getting in touch early apparently got to her, as she questioned me about it and i was actually tickled about that. however, i felt kind of sad too. because TF made it by, and we spent the afternoon together. nothing jumped off, but it could have, and i wouldn't have objected to it. mostly because i realize that a lot of what is keeping R away is the closeness that we already share. i do love her, and would commit to her completely in a heartbeat if that was her desire. but she doesn't speak on this, so i have to respect her space. but i am not, as mentioned earlier, a fan of being lonely. so i make do. and sometimes, i get company, and sometimes, that company is affectionate. it's a test, i know. TF was affectionate in ways that she's normally not. i don't mean anything overtly sexual or even flirtatious. i mean, touches that aren't usually in her skill set. i think it's the distance that she's imposed in her own struggles; she misses me. but even with that, it makes me concerned about her. she hung here for hours. and when she left, i realized i'd been thinking about R the entire time. so, something has to give, something needs to be different. but i'm not going to force a change because i don't want anything else to happen. i am, by God;'s will and grace, able to make better decisions when i choose to. i choose to make a good decision. i choose to love R, and to have her in the deep part of me, and i hope that she eventually chooses the same.
i'm going to close it down now. Aunt Rose's funeral is tomorrow. sad energy. thank you, Father, for a blessed day.
i had two pieces of pizza and a bowl of salad for lunch. the pizza was an indulgence, but honestly, two pieces was cool because i could have eaten the five i had left from yesterday and then went back into sabotage mode. everything is relative. working on broths, so i have to figure out what exactly i'm going to make with them. thinking a white chili with the turkey remnants. thinking i'll make some kidneys for myself and i'll save some of this juice for dad's black-eyed peas. i'm going to start on the outline for THE BOOK OF OLD LAZARUS. i want this one to be done exactly right. my muse is going to have to cooperate on this one, because it may be the last book in the Waiting For Jesus series and i want to do justice to it.
the day ends. i had dressing and cabbage for dinner. no meat, but i'm satisfied. my sugar was at 118 when i checked around five, so i only took my long acting insulin for the night.
this is going to be somewhat revelatory. i write often about R. i think i've chosen to allow her to the deep place in my heart. that's not as cold as it may sound. i love her, but there is a difference between loving someone and letting them inside, just like there's a difference between falling into and growing in love. i want R, but i am without her most of the time. we talk every day, and me not getting in touch early apparently got to her, as she questioned me about it and i was actually tickled about that. however, i felt kind of sad too. because TF made it by, and we spent the afternoon together. nothing jumped off, but it could have, and i wouldn't have objected to it. mostly because i realize that a lot of what is keeping R away is the closeness that we already share. i do love her, and would commit to her completely in a heartbeat if that was her desire. but she doesn't speak on this, so i have to respect her space. but i am not, as mentioned earlier, a fan of being lonely. so i make do. and sometimes, i get company, and sometimes, that company is affectionate. it's a test, i know. TF was affectionate in ways that she's normally not. i don't mean anything overtly sexual or even flirtatious. i mean, touches that aren't usually in her skill set. i think it's the distance that she's imposed in her own struggles; she misses me. but even with that, it makes me concerned about her. she hung here for hours. and when she left, i realized i'd been thinking about R the entire time. so, something has to give, something needs to be different. but i'm not going to force a change because i don't want anything else to happen. i am, by God;'s will and grace, able to make better decisions when i choose to. i choose to make a good decision. i choose to love R, and to have her in the deep part of me, and i hope that she eventually chooses the same.
i'm going to close it down now. Aunt Rose's funeral is tomorrow. sad energy. thank you, Father, for a blessed day.
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