the day before

one week left in the year.  one day before xmas.  several hours before i'm done with the final edit on Mechanical Jesus.  i've been to see my mom, saw my aunt and sister as well.  i talked to my brother, called DeJa but no answer, texted R, and had breakfast and lunch.  I just got my dissected and dry-marinated turkey into the crock pot, with an apple-butter-olive oil rub, salted.  that's going to cook all day and likely for the night.  i have to cut up cabbage, peel and cube potatoes, cut up onion and peppers.  i have to get the ham in the oven, probably tomorrow morning.  asking my aunt now if she can get onion rolls for me, as i don't plan to leave the house again until sunday.  didn't hit the gym this morning.  groggy from the sleepytime tea, i'm thinking.  but i feel bloaty.  i've not been eating as i should.  i'm taking my meds and my insulin but i'm not feeling all that well.  depression, that's part of it.  not the overwhelming, November rolls in and i am incapacitated depression that i avoided this year, by God's grace and mercy.  it's the depression of shared sadness, of which i have extricated myself previously but am unable to at this time.  I imagine, getting older means feeling the passing of loved ones more keenly, because it's your own history that is being erased as your future gets shorter.  it's mortality, pure and simple.  i am okay as i ponder.  my time is coming.  all of our time is coming.  but i hate that my aunt had to pass so diminished.  But i wasn't around when God created the earth.  so it's cool.  it's going to be okay.
i am trying to get this book done.  i am trying to get my head wrapped around my requirements going into 2016.  not resolutions.  my resolutions are a daily affair.  today i resolve to stay sober.  today i resolve to allow the God of my life to guide my actions and direct me emotionally and spiritually.  but i have to learn some things, and the upcoming years is a good time to set goals for those lessons.  like, sales.  like, marketing.  like, letting go of distrust and letting go of the need to control my environment so i can't be hurt anymore.  these are the things that are most important to me.  because if the writing is going to improve, it will improve due to a demand that will only come if i'm selling books.  if i can learn that, i will create my own demand, and i am the supply, God's grace.
sticking to my anti-menu for tomorrow, but if anyone chooses to come grab a sandwich or a sort of plate, they are welcome to.  turkey's going to smash, i already know it.