my sincerest apologies to myself and anyone else this affects. I have been out to lunch in my head for two days. my thoughts are insidious, my mind can go over a cliff in a heartbeat, and I can only thank the God of my fathers for the newfound discipline to attempt to get back on track. I'm going to try to recount the process of the past two days, as well as move through the day today, to have record of just how this happens and maybe have a preventative for the next time.
This is Thursday, the 17th of December. there are 14 days remaining in the month and year. I have been looking over finances, trying to pinch as many pennies as i can. no real reason, just to make sure if we need we can do. it's been stressful, as i got a letter back from the job & family services person asking for a copy of the settlement letter from the lawyer and I have no idea where i put it, though i'm fairly certain i still have it. nonetheless, i'd been moving well, writing quite a bit, not watching a bunch of mind-numbing television and trying to get time with R.
so, backtrack to the weekend, when the plans that i didn't completely subscribe to fell through. then there was Monday, in which she went to her G-ma's to clean, trying to get her thing started. she was there for a good portion of the day, to be expected. I did my things, got my mom's wifi hooked up, finally getting it password protected. that's the major shit from monday. i began to have the tugging from my 'bad brain' section in the thought process about never getting to see R anymore, and I tried to push that away. I figured i would just see what was on her itinerary the next day, which was tuesday, and try to catch a lunch with her. found a place close to her that i'd not been to and i wanted to have lunch with her there. i got no call in the early part of the day, and sought to convince myself that perhaps her phone had been turned off and she was just in that limbo period (which does happen). but i got a text from her just before 5 in the pm, slept all day, wiped out. got a call from her not long after as i was on the phone with Lonnie, but i declined to answer it. i normally do, but i was peeved, to put it mildly. and when i finished my call with Lonnie and called back i got no answer.
I ended up calling P in columbus, talking through it and still not feeling better. And yesterday I had a counseling session as i won't have another until after the new year, and i talked to VF about that and other things. But before that part of the day, i had come to some conclusions.
such as, I started to do the things that I needed to do for myself and my own appreciation. like, i took myself to lunch on tuesday, Like, i put my new comforter on my bed. like, i have been writing so much the book is just about done. and i made decisions that i couldn't allow R to dictate the pace of things all the time because that would mean at times nothing would get done. so i loaded up her things, her gift and her food that i'd cooked for the weekend and saved for her, and i took them to counseling and then to her house. i got a chance to talk to her, tell her the things that were running through my head (the way my brain tries to make me think the worst, though my heart believes in the best most often), and give her her stuff from me. we talked last night for a long time, i had a travel mug of the sleepy time tea she bought for me, and i was out like a light.
so i woke up feeling much better today, though tired as fuck from the residuals from the sleepy time tea. i prayed, put on coffee, wrote, got dressed and went to the gym. I did ten minutes on the elliptical today, and then hit the weights because the treadmills were occupied. i came home, got Syd to school and got some breakfast from Taco Bell which was disgusting. i need to check funds, make out shopping list and hit the store later, but for now, a nap is in order. so i'm going to take one.
so, i went to the store, got some supplies. made arrangements to pick up the food baskets with my brother tomorrow. came home, had lunch, and finished the first draft of Mechanical Jesus. IT'S DONE!!! FINALLY, IT'S DONE! i'm very happy about that. editing will start tonight. I wish i had an editor i could hand this off to now, but the cover is done, the text is done, once the editing is done it can go up on the board. i an start The Book of Lazarus to begin the year. back on track.
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