heavy air

...this has not been a good day.
i am running deeper into a grief that i don't exactly understand.  I love my aunt, and i am truly sad that she has died, but she was so diminished already, and my cousin, who was caring for her around the clock, was so exhausted.  i haven't seen her since my grandfather's funeral, that may be a part of it.  things changed pretty radically when my grandpa died.  my aunt Rose was pretty cognizant, fairly aware when my grand-dad was at the end of his days, but she wasted away, she looked exactly like my grandfather did on his deathbed.  perhaps i've simply not seen enough death up close.  perhaps its something more.
i got up, feeling shitty.  i said my prayers and included my father and my cousins and the family in them.  i went to the gym and worked weights today.  i came home and Syd and I had words because i'm tired of dealing with the same shit with her, and today just wasn't a good day to have to begin that process again.  after i took her to school to catch her bus, i came home, had a potato and cheese omelet and a piece of toast.  i did some more editing, and then i laid back down and was feeling melancholy, sad and on the verge of weeping all the rest of the day thus far.
i did get a chance to speak with my brother about things, about how i was feeling and what changes i was aware of.  that helped quite a bit.  but it hasn't lifted.  i guess i would tell someone in my situation it's not supposed to just 'lift'.  its a thing to go through however i must, to process, to feel, to ride until it is done, and then to learn what kind of a person i've become as a result of going through it.  i mostly feel bad for my father.  i can't imagine what my life would be like if i were the last of my people.  i mean, if the house that i grew up in, if all those individuals died before me.  I can't imagine what would live in my head at that point.  i am so blessed, i still have both parents.  I have to start being more grateful, because none of this will last forever.
i had lunch and dinner, i'm about to get back to detail editing and getting it shaped up to copyright and see about Amazon publishing this one for me.  i have to get the thing worked out as far as my settlement and j&fs on my ass, but the woman from there won't call me back.  so, i am just going to take this a moment at a time.  i'm going to keep moving myself along, try to force my mind from closing and see this for what it really is, outside of my comfort zone and my 'center of the universe' emotionalism:  my dad lost his sister.  my cousins lost their mother.  my father lost the last member of the family he grew up with beneath one roof.  i lost an aunt, who was always pretty decent and fairly affectionate toward us, toward me.  my life goes on, at least today, and she's not in pain and she's not suffering any longer, so we are both blessed.  that is what i'm going to work with for now.  time for some sleepy time tea, and perhaps an early crash.  we'll see.