undermining

things change, and there's not much you can do about it.  you can be angry, or sad, or miserable, or enraged, and the thing will still have changed.  you can sulk, or pout, or laugh maniacally or whistle in the dark alley of your mind, and the change will still have happened.  i'm tired today, but i'm forcing myself to act, because things change, and i guess i'm changing too.
i wrote for shit yesterday, because i was lonely and i am tired of being lonely.  i could have at least three women in my life but that wouldn't change the loneliness, because you can be in a room full of people and feel alone.  i have one person, R, who makes the space seem completely filled when she's around, and she's practically inaccessible.  i am tired, and i am lonely and that makes me sad.  but there are things to be done and i'm the one that has to do them, so i continue on.
i slept well, but i woke too early again.  i don't know why i'm not staying under, i mean, i don't know for sure, but i have a good idea.  i ate a turtle brownie yesterday.  i shouldn't have even had it.  some desserts are okay, but you can push things way too far when you are a self-saboteur.  so i'm sure it was an excessive dessert, my sugar was up and i didn't sleep as well as i should have because of that.  my prayers were shaky, but i did pray.  and i got up and got started with coffee and writing, which made a lot of things feel better.  Syd got up acting sick, and i didn't really feel like dealing with the school calling later so i called her off.  i went to the gym much later than usual, worked on the weight machines and then came home.  i had breakfast after i took my insulin and meds, and i am now watching television, thinking on things i need to get done today.
i am not going to sit and feel sorry for anyone, not for sitting in their shit and letting the disease have its way with them.  but i know i'm being moved about by my own disease.  i know that i am feeling this frustration because it makes the desserts and the snacks easier to eat, it makes the larger portions on my plate and increased carbs easier to justify.  i am losing weight, my sugar is good with less insulin.  i am at the gym at least four days a week.  my bills are paid, and things are going well.  that is the most fearful thing that my grown me ever faces; a balanced and productive life.
i put in one application yesterday but have forgotten who its with and they likely won't call anyway.  i really am feeling out of sorts, but i'm going to be okay today.  i wanted to get this stuff down because i know when this passes i won't be able to look back and see what i did to maintain unless i journal it now.  i'm going to write more this afternoon.
coming to the closing of the day.  nothing much happened.  i did more writing.  i talked to Tina, so i guess things are cool.  i fed Syd, i ate too much lasagna, i talked to my brother briefly and Lonnie as well.  i am still feeling pretty blah, but that's not a problem.  tomorrow i have some things to get done, but it's not going to be so overwhelming that i can't keep pushing to a more positive thing.  but i do have to address being off track and get back on it.
my eating hasn't been disciplined, while my workouts have been more so.  but they have to go hand in hand.  i have to get back to eating with awareness and deliberation.  i'm sure the lonely focus and the isolation are a big part of it.  eating is a solitary intimate act.  it's spiritual masturbation for a food fiend such as myself.  so eating responsibly is more of a sexual intercourse with one's spirit, as the life it produces is one based on love and not just the need to get off  gonna have to remember that analogy.  anyway, i am going to keep that in the front of my mind.  i can talk a lot and not tell anything.  i can say a little and reveal everything.  no more games.  i am ready to resume.  love, prayers and good vibes.  thank you, Jehova, for a good day.