missing file

interesting how things turn, sometimes.  i didn't write yesterday because monday was an emotional leech, everything in me was gone and yesterday i was just cruising through, recharging batteries i think would be the right analogy.  but i try to account for things, and this is the place to do that, so this is a recap of where i am at this time.
i felt better, and i thank my brother  Jerome for that.  he's my big brother in fact and in spirit, and i always appreciate when he can get me centered.  i don't know, still, why i am so undone by my aunt Rose's passing, but i am and it's okay.  but i couldn't function, and now i'm doing all right, and it's because he let me decompress and then he brought me out of the chaos in my brain.  i appreciate him, he always manages to do that for me in a very quiet and unassuming way.
i got to see my dad, who is functioning, and that is good, and he's sad, and that's good too.  you can see it on him.  this new millennium has been about loss for him.  its a strange contrast, later in life it seems, that the fewer people you've had in your life the more important they become and the greater space that's left when one of them leaves.  my mom had eight siblings.  my dad had one.  my mom has six left, of whom she barely speaks to any.  my dad has none, and he maintains despite his losses.  i don't know.
one of the things that this pointed out to me, made so clear, is that it is almost our season, my siblings.  i have six sibs.  we're all alive, we're all above ground.  but one of us will one day know how my dad feels now.  one day one of us will likely be the last of our household.  i don't really wonder who it will be. had my dad passed first,due to the dementia my aunt likely wouldn't have known it.
i am in an extended silence with my friend TP.  pretty sure i've spoken on her in the past weeks.  i know i've accepted the silence though i've not initiated it.  i'm not sure what's wrong with her, and i am not going to ask her what's wrong with her.  i know that i am no longer interested in fixing things that i didn't break, be those things actual things, places or people.  i walk away from conflicting emotional situations, i walk away from confusing scenarios, because the investment of spiritual energy they require is often a drain on the whole system.  i love TP, she's a good person.  i am sure that part of it was the listening to her bitching about every single thing, like there was to be no happiness anywhere for her.  and part of it was the increased call to tell me every detail of every day except what was wrong with her, but when i'd speak on something going on with me the 'conversation' would sort of deactivate.  we'll see what the future holds.  it's not the first time a friend has become distant, and i'm sure it won't be the last.  my part is i should have just said in the beginning that i'm not going to start doing 24/7 roadside assistance if i am not told what the actual problem is.  but that's something i can't change now.
i hit the gym, did over a mile and a half on the treadmill.  i cut up my turkey and got it in a dry marinade for the crock pot, an experiment in prep.  i am going to get my ass in gear to get to the gym this morning and start a new day.  this is going to be a separate entry, i'm going to write something for today specific. but i wanted to make sure i got this in.