faith or compliance?

the days are short now, darkness comes in like a bully and stays like an unwanted guest.  but it's winter in Youngstown.  such as that is.  it's been cold the past few days, and that's coming off a Thanksgiving that was about 60 plus degrees.  i'm surprised the flu hasn't beaten me to the ground yet.  but i feel good.  i am alone, i am pensive, i am eating sweets that are all going in the trash in the morning (except my anniversary cake), but i'm good.
today i went to both the Kingdom Hall and my 12 step meeting.  i didn't actually have to force myself to do either, but it wasn't a smooth transition either.  because my sugar's been good, i can feel the voice of my adult saboteur trying to convince me that i'm doing better than i am.  i anticipated a derailment at thanksgiving, and to be honest i even figured that i'd be eating poorly for a few days after.  but that's the end of the story.  in the morning, the pies and cakes go into the trash.  the trash goes to the dumpster and i get to the gym and start building up again.
i saw R on friday, and no more.  i am sad behind that, but i'm okay.  to have a day, several hours, conversation and food and movies and kisses and closeness, that's worth the absence.  but only to some degree.  i still need time with her.  want, maybe, is the better term.  need means i will suffer adverse consequences if i don't have time with her.  want means i can live my life and if she is available it's a nice bonus.  i know the difference today.  just like i know how to get this written and get back to my netflix for the evening.
i guess i want to keep moving in a good direction.  i know my days are shorter, as everyone alive can honestly say.  but when you can feel it, when life seems like the uphill climb is growing steeper, it makes you think.  27 years clean.  i'm two days into my 28th year.  i never really thought i'd be alive at 47 years old.  but that just goes to show the real lesson of Job: ''Where were you when I created the earth?"  that's the deal.  accept that you're not God and that there is one.  accept that God's will does not need your approval, only your compliance.  and accept that trying to usurp God's authority has bad consequences for everyone involved.
i spoke to my mom today.  she sounds better.  i did speak to R today.  wish she was here now.  but i'm going to the gym, and i'm going to write, and i'm going to finish my clothes and make me some fish for dinner.  so, you know, when i see her, i'll see her.  until then, my heart still holds her at its center, and that's good enough for me.  thank you, Jehovah, for reminding me what Job had to be reminded of.