weight

i'm not sure how exactly i'm feeling right now.  this was a hard day.  i couldn't seem to get myself in gear in the early part of the day.  I woke to my alarm and i got my prayers said but it was very in my head, not heart-engaged at all.  i got Syd to her bus and i came back home, not feeling the gym.  i ate and i tried to write but there was nothing there, really.  i made up my mind i would get it moving and i finally started making some good moves.  i went to the stores and got some groceries for the house, and I took my mother some decaf coffee for their house.  i finished up at the second store, talked to R and made my way to the gym.  the treadmill was kind of rough, got close to a mile but not a mile, and i did some work on the weight machines.  i was just low energy today, but i can't let that stop me.  i talked to R once i got in from the gym and A called me and asked if i was busy and if i could help her get things set back up at her crib since they got the work done they were doing.  i said yes and went and hung out with her for a couple of hours.  meantime, got Syd's report card in the mail and it was what i expected.  i don't really have a feeling about the poor grades, though i know i should.  i've been speaking to her about her grades since the end of elementary school.  she is making choices that are going to take her to not so good places, but i can't do anything about that either.  so i'm just letting her know that i know she can do better.  i'm going to set a conference with her teachers, but that's about the extent of what i can do.  you can't berate or bribe someone into doing something they just aren't going to do, it doesn't work that way.

the depression is starting in earnest, i know that.  i can admit it.  i just can't surrender to it.  i feel it in me like the beginnings of a flu.  i keep moving because what else is there to do?  if i stop moving, i'm going to be bed ridden.  i'm not even going to keep talking about it here, because talking about depression is depressing.  i don't have much left for the night.  i wanted to write and take a bath but that part of my day was cut out and i'm just feeling like i need some horizontal time right now.  i'm still grateful.  i got things done.  i saw my mom and aunt, i saw a friend, i talked to R, and i got a workout in, a better one than yesterday.  how i feel does not determine what i do, i have to keep that in the front of my mind.  good night, thank you, Father, your love is strength.