...i think there comes a point where an individual has to make a choice. and i don't mean a choice between turkey on rye or pbj. i mean a choice, like, do i want to hold on to the person i've been, because there is a comfort in the familiar, because it's safe in this groove and i crave safety above everything else, because i've worked so hard to break in this life that breaking in a new one would take too much time and/or effort...or do i let go, because it burns to the bone now, because i'm tired of bleeding for things i don't even know if i really believe in, because there's no satisfaction in always hanging an infinite number of question marks over my head because the answers may be too scary. i mean a fucking CHOICE.
i have a great appreciation for people who allow themselves to move outside of their comfort box. VF asked me, about my November blues, if i think maybe God allows me to go through this to keep me mindful of where i come from. that's paraphrasing, of course, but there is something just absolutely wonderful about a professional therapist who can speak of spiritual/quasi-religious things, with comfort and candor, because they know that i believe in that way and that may be a way to reach me. so many shrinks would want to push me and my depression into a bottle of prozac and call it a day.
i got a guy on the internet, on youtube to be exact, who sort of 'trolled' a comment i made on a song, song was called 'hellutalmbout', or something like that, by janelle monae and her crew. it is a very emotional song, simple in its power as it is just a battle cry, more than anything, naming many of the victims of this most public recent spate of police killings of black citizens. and this guy, this white guy, decides he wants to belittle my emotions because, in truth, when i first listened to the song i cried, unashamedly, because i always feel like it's a battle. dealing in a world that kills for fun and sport, dealing in a world where someone shoots up a school and no one wants to just say that the tragedy is that kids are being murdered because of someone feeling disenfranchised, instead focusing on gun control issues, dealing in a world that believes men have the right to force women not only to have sex against their will by rape but also to bear children against their will and many women have been programmed to see that as being perfectly okay. yeah, i feel like i'm in a battle and i'm losing. but this guy, well, my first reaction was anger and to engage him in stupidity. but something, something in all this new attitude, thinking and action must be working, because i engaged him in conversation instead. and though i wasn't able to rob him of his racist and troublemaking ways, i took the power of his initial attack and turned it back on him by provoking actual thought. and that's what i am capable of doing when my cylinders are firing as they should.
today has been easier than yesterday. I decided consciously not to go to the gym today. instead, i went to the store after i dropped syd off and i got stuff to make chili for dinner. i made a crock pot of chili and i also put together a meat loaf for friday, as the chili is a two day affair. i consciously decided to shower rather than take a bath, and i groomed my face in the sink mirror and it was more efficient today. i got to my meeting on time, got set up, i didn't speak during the meeting and i got home for lunch. i had dinner a bit ago with my brother Jerry, and i got some and am getting some good writing done.
at the meeting today, i was annoyed but less so than usual. i am sure the irritability is the least of the depression that has come into my well-being space, but there are too many things going on for me to give in completely. got our anniversary meeting in two weeks. got to get the dinner prep moving for the so-called 'thanksgiving' holiday. heard someone say for the first time today in the meeting 'this is gratitude month' and i felt my mouth turning into a scowl. funny feeling. because it's thanksgiving month, a bunch of people who should remain, more than most, grateful every fucking day of every fucking year of their fucking lives want to designate this 'gratitude month'. it's stupid, only because the gratitude is so lacking in the 12 step fellowships anymore. but there's not anything you can really do about that.
R just called, talked for a minute. she was off today but had a doctor's appointment and time with her mom. i am truly on the horns of a dilemma. have a 'pastperson' contacting me, and in the deficit of company i would welcome the chance to have flesh at my disposal. BUT. i do want something more from R, do want something more for ME, more importantly. i don't know what i'm going to do yet. should doesn't come into play. it's about what action i will take. but i'm going to pray on it tonight, before i actually make a decision.
its very easy to pontificate about how wonderful things are as long as no bad things happen. Job is an example of celestial bullshit if ever there was one. most people think the lesson of Job is about endurance and faith, but i don't believe that. the real lesson, the one that most people miss, is the universal theme throughout the scriptures. that is not 'faith' though that theme runs often, and it's not 'endurance' though that comes up quite a bit too. to me, the real lesson is, DON'T FORGET WHO GOD IS, AND THAT YOU'RE NOT GOD. Job didn't lose his faith and he endured, but he talked too much game and God had to put him back in check. "Where were you when I created the earth?" that's the lesson that i'm trying to learn from most today. good day. sugar this evening was high though i did nothing out of the ordinary eating. what i did was i didn't take the third needle, the Symlin pen, which my endocrinologist told me i could stop. so i adjusted my Levemir and my Novolog to see if i can compensate for the lack of the third needle. if its high in the morning i'm going back to all three. i like my lower numbers.
well, that's it for now. i'm going to try to write a lot more tonight in Mechanical Jesus. coffee's ready for the morning, and so am i. thank you, Father, for a productive and instructive day.
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