second day of a headache. vision is changing again, i need my glasses to see the computer screen clearly. fucking diabetes. my day has been heavy, without any particular details to make it that way. i am sick of feeling like i'm trapped in an Edgar Allen Poe story. I tried to get my workout done, but Tina called me and i gave up after she bitched for a half hour and completely broke my rhythm. i came home and had breakfast and that was about all she wrote for several hours. i went back to bed, wrote some but couldn't really focus on writing. I was still sluggish from the nighttime cold medicine i took. i don't think this headache is cold related. i think it's a percussor to the depression but i'm not going to give in willingly.
we don't ever really talk much about the spiritual things. as a people, as a culture i mean. in some countries, the spiritual is much more important than the physical, but not many anymore, and definitely not in america. here, the physical, the material is everything. so if you can't touch it, or bill for it, or fuck it or eat it or smoke it or get drunk on it or make someone else feel like less than by having more of it than them, it doesn't actually exist. where i'm going with this, so as not to simply fill space babbling, is that perhaps this really is a spiritual depression. i mean, i keep moving, i stay active, i pray, i read scriptures, i keep on my routine, but still i feel the cloud hanging overhead. i don't mean it's hopeless. i mean, things have to be approached for what they are, not for what's convenient to make them into for anyone else's comfort. if it's a spiritual depression than there is only to continue to strengthen myself spiritually, and ride it out. if it's physiological, then i could probably do some form of anti-depressant and it would lift. but i don't want pills for my blues. i feel physically fine, other than a touch of gout and this fucking headache. but there is something wrong.
i found a table cloth today at Ollie's. happy about that. it will make finding table settings and a centerpiece easier. its so cheesy it will fit nicely with things in my apartment. not really, but it's white with predominantly blue flower pattern. i like it for thanksgiving. and i got a new door rug. the old one was tearing up and needed replacing. i'm moderating my expectations down. i am not going to wash walls, shampoo carpets and vinegar clean windows. if anyone is offended by the state of my orderly but not antiseptic living space they can be on their way. i think that's reasonable.
i wish i could spend some time with R. i miss the hell out of her. i read a thing on Debi Thomas, the olympic skater, today. seems she's broke, destitute, living in a trailer with bedbugs and an alcoholic mate. she's a physician, she is an actual medical doctor. i wonder why no one is wondering is she herself an addict or an alcoholic. she's hoping to get a reality television show to help her get financially on her feet. i felt something inside me flare up and then die when i read that. what the fuck have we become as human concerns?
a woman who made history is willing to put her misery, pain and humiliation on television for people to watch and shake their overstuffed, potatochip filled heads, while madison avenue whores her to sell shit to these idiots. this is what we are now. i am fucked up, give me a reality show. i'm willing to cut off my dick, where's the camera? i'm fighting bums and stabbing them, like me on youtube! there was also a story about some young lady who decided to strip in a johnny rockets in florida, i believe, and she was harassing customers and letting these fucking idiotic black men touch her and pour ketchup and water on her. she wanted them filming it, likely had someone filming it herself and she wanted people to 'like' her on her social media page. this is what we have become? this is the world now?
i have one friend here who got on a reality television show. it was for the money and i don't even know if she ever got paid or if it ever actually aired. but it really makes me sad, really fucking sad. i live in a world where the more problems you have the more valuable you are as entertainment. but, at the same time, is it really any different than what's always been in place in this country? didn't PT Barnum make a mint off his 'freaks' and don't circuses and carnivals continue on with that same practice in some places? oddities have always been an attraction, because it gives people a sense of superiority. and, in this day and age of advertising designed to make you feel like shit, wouldn't that make this spate of reality television shows worth gold?
i'm making myself catfish for dinner, with leftover mac and cheese and a salad. Syd asked for spaghetti, which was easy enough. i am going to have my workout in the morning. i'll probably try to get to the meeting as well. i think i'm going to be okay for the rest of the day, but it doesn't matter if i am or not. tomorrow is a new day, if i'm blessed to see it, i'll try for some new things. if anything else comes up i'll hit this post again and update. thank you, Jehovah, and peace to anyone who bothers reading this.
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