character

A song someone sang once said 'what a difference a day makes. I'm vouching for that one hundred percent. But...I'm still moving.
All centered on Syd (surprise...) and her character, which is lacking.  Finding an instruction fold from a home pregnancy test when I was cutting the grass ( in one of the hedges, no less) I decided to just drag shit out to the light and, sure enough, she's been having sex, though she SAYS she's not pregnant. So that was a long talk. Then, getting ready for my meeting today, i find about 60 dollars is missing from the meeting's anniversary can. Now I'm livid all over again. Of course she denies it. But since my last official count was on the 5th and there's no one else had access, I'm not waiting for a confession.  There is a thing, i've seen it with too many people not to know or understand it, that if you don't say anything, if you don't tell, then you're not guilty.  it's a thing that defies what i know to be true, that the things a person does almost always ends up determining what they say, even if its the absence of words.  but, the thing is, she's not the only suspect.
i left the can with the guy who was supposed to be collecting since summer, two weeks ago, because i left the meeting early.  this guy came the following week saying he left the can with his wife, and wouldn't have it, but it came anyway.  so the off count could be from several people.  and its that kind of shit that makes me loathe human beings. i mean, this is money that people put in to help the group have a commemoration for everyone, for one more year of keeping the doors open for new addicts as well as for those who just need somewhere safe to be.  most meetings don't acknowledge anniversaries anymore, most meetings of my primary fellowship anyway.  we used to.  we also used to have over 40 meetings in our district.  now we have barely ten.  because of this kind of nonsense.  but we'll get it done.  and as i dropped the district treasurer position i will also drop the arranging of the anniversary meeting.  i am not my fellowship, i am also not the foundation upon which it was built.  and i don't feel like hiding shit from people, in my car, in my home.  i am not going to compromise my life for those bent on doing damage to themselves.
so i came home after i had lunch with a friend from the meeting.  i've had dinner, i've had an interesting talk with R about subject matter that most people would cringe away from.  i find it refreshing, and it feels a lot like we're back on a better track.  i didn't get in a long workout but i got to the gym and got on the machines and likely tomorrow if i can get there for the opening of the doors i'll get back on the treadmill.  i am still angry, but anger won't get things done and there's too much to do for me to keep living in negative bullshit.  i don't have a summary for the day, but i am still grateful, because i know that this is my addiction, the spirit of my addiction, my demons if you will, trying to condition my mind away from being grateful to God for my life and sobriety.  and i don't think this is the day i'm going to challenge the universe that way.  so, good night, good days, and we'll see what's on the other side of the sunrise when that time comes.