...that's the title to a Sly & The Family Stone song. i love it, because it starts like so much of my life had...'sunday morning, and i forgot my prayer'. i lived much of my life in self-will, and eventually self-will removes the need for prayer. but today i prayed. it was early early in the morning, but i prayed. i got up. i took my insulin and my meds and had a spinach mushroom tomato omelet and a piece of toast. had coffee, a cup of milk, and water. wrote in Mechanical Jesus. and passed back out, because it was early, early in the morning. that's a Gap Band song.
i've been thinking. i'm doing a lot more of that lately, if that's believable, or even if it isn't. the nature of my thinking seems to be changing though. i feel the division coming up again, but it's a different format this time. different software of the spirit, maybe? i feel as if there is one part of me that is trying desperately hard to just accept things as they are, to go in the direction i'm traveling and see where it takes me. and there's another part of me that is bristling, that is ready to tear some shit up. i've always associated the second with my wolf, which i feel is my spirit animal. but i can't say for sure. i know when i remove the onus of 'fuck you all, i'll laugh when i win' from the equation, i see capability honed by experiences rough and painful. i see a book that was destroyed almost halfway done, in less than a month. i see a play that i can spend the winter finding participants for, a vision that i want to see come to fruition. i can see having authors that i am editing and publishing their stuff, trying to give to others what i had such a hard time finding. and none of that seems particularly vindictive. partly because it's not people who have done me wrong. its not really being done wrong at all. LIFE SHIT. that's the deal. life does what it does, and you deal with it, you roll with it, or you get steamrolled. i've gotten steamrolled because i've refused to deal with what is, always weeping about what should be.
R is moody and is pretty contrary. so i'm not approaching her at this time. BC, from the other day, urged me to just take this one day at a time. that's what a friend would do. got another friend, Lenette, from my childhood, i'm going to message her on facebook, find out what would be a good time for a cup of coffee, if that boat hasn't sailed. here's a thought: if the bridges are still burning, PUT THE FIRES OUT. because if they're still burning they may be salvageable. that's a thought for the day if i ever thought one. but, like all the good stuff, i thank God for showing me this, because if i was bright enough to know it, i wouldn't be almost an old man fighting fucking fires i started myself. i'm going to get ready to go to the Kingdom Hall with my mother. finish this later.
...later...
i hate when thoughts grow bigger in my head than my immediate ability to express them verbally.
i had a good day. it was a good meeting, and it was a good service at the Kingdom Hall. it was nice being able to be there for and with my mom. so many people today, and there is such an air of welcome. it makes for double nostalgia. it takes me back to the early days of my sobriety, when we greeted each other and fellowshipped before and after a meeting. and, of course, it took me back to my real early days, being a kid going to the Kingdom Hall, doing the lessons and having friends and family and just being in a pretty good space. the essence of the program is all upon me, and i am seeing things and learning things that sort of corroborate with things that i know should exist in a recovery fellowship. such as...
one of the lessons today was about how humility creates unity. i could immediately relate to the principle, but more to the point, i could see where i may have overlooked much in my anger and resentment about the state of 12 step recovery today. and what better mental condition to miss a lot than in a state of anger and resentment?
humility is a working relationship with God at one's right size. it's not about being right, it's about feeling right-sized. and, the strongest point about real humility is that it can make you feel empowered. but false humility, forgetting one's station in life? it can cost you a lot. like Moses, for instance. having schlepped around with the Israelites for like a bazillion years (not quite that long), he was on the verge of the promised land when the Israelites probably just got on his LAST NERVE. i can relate to that. and God told Moses, 'gather the people and speak to the rock and water will appear'. but Moses had been playing God, at God's instructions for a bit of time now, and maybe he was too deep in cover, so to speak, so Moses yelled at the people and struck the rock, and water came out. but God told Moses, 'since you disobeyed me, you won't be the one to lead Israel into the promised land." so at the end of all his trials and tribulations, Moses was jacked because he forgot he wasn't God. and that's what false humility can lead to. the 12 step programs need work. they need something, that's for sure. but the individuals have lost their way. and it's made room for a break in unity at all levels. it's going to have to start, as in the beginning, with the individuals. that's the only way. you can't put together a puzzle with no pieces, and each piece is very important to creating the entire picture. if there are no pieces, if the pieces are not from the same puzzle, you'll never have a unified picture. that's how it seems to me now, anyway.
i am sleepy. but it's daylight savings time, mind-fuckery at its best. i'm going to read a bit, and crash, and get up and get my lazy ass to the gym. i feel good. and that's not a new sensation, so there's hope. thank you, Father, for everything today.
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