"The mind is its own place and in itself, can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven."
Milton
indicators are always present. you can see anything in yourself you dare to see. but the brain controls perception, and it has its reasons, and those reasons don't always make themselves known, even to the most aggressive searcher. so we can still end up, metaphorically, going down wrong roads, making wrong turns and ending up lost...even when we know where we are and where we have been driving and where we're trying to go.
i see this process happening, and the question is, can i stop it?
i see my journaling becoming trivial. i see my eating becoming less disciplined. i feel as if i am doing this consciously, as i am aware that it is happening. yet, i also feel that it is being snuck in under my nose. as if i look up and there is more undisciplined behavior, more trivial thoughts. what would be the cause of this? why would i, in the face of long range goals and success showing in the numbers, begin creeping in the other direction?
because sabotage is what i am trained in. it's what i'm good at and its what i am most practiced in. i write in two voices and only see one. i think in a myriad of tongues, yet they all sound like me. i am versed in self deception. even now, i slow down in my typing because the mistakes i've been making have been because, in my opinion, if i make a bunch of mistakes and get frustrated, then i won't dig deep, i'll just write some bullshit and call it a day and say 'at least i journalled'. same with my eating. I made a banana spice cake, under the auspices that A may like some, so i'll get in touch with them, or that someone may stop by and get some. I've eaten off the cake, and though the little bit i've eaten is not killing me, its nodding at the wheel. and if you nod enough or get too comfortable nodding at the wheel, you will eventually crash. so, causes and conditions.
i'm not perfect, but i am a perfectionist by training. namely, when i didn't do things perfectly, i stood a chance of being punished for being 'less than perfect', is the only way i can state that. i learned early on that if i just let myself slide slowly into imperfection and then maintained that level of imperfection i could get away with not being rigidly perfect and still avoid punishment. again, it's not blaming toti. this is something that a grown mind would process childishly. the child in me knew i was capable of doing great things, and was resentful about being punished for mistakes. the adult that i am is being inundated by these self-sabotaging thoughts and actions. therefore, correction must come from outside, and must be spoken through in order to eventually make it stick.
it's not bad to bake a cake. but i'm not going to be eating off it til its gone. that's not going to happen. I had two pieces of pizza at sunday's meeting. it didn't do me bad, but it was nodding at the wheel. a few nachos here and there. nodding at the wheel. a tiny bag of chips. i logged it, but its nodding at the wheel. i guess, again, subconsciously right before my eyes, the biggest indicator of the sabotage being programmed in, the clearest evidence, is that i have stopped posting food content and calories. that is how the weight comes down. and if i'm not logging, its because i'm not eating as the diet would dictate. so i will not fool myself on value from this point. i have work to do. it's not surface shit that's going to get me off these meds; its substantial change and awareness of where i'm at due to where i've been and what i've done. so. can i get back to these practices? can i change course, start working on being a friend to myself? and isn't that really the hardest part of the job i have to do in the year i've picked for this journey?
i'm walking today, no gym. i feel like pushing further than a mile, if toti feels its okay. but i am walking. it's cold in my apartment so i'm moving slowly. supposed to have Will coming by to check out my brakes. my activities for the day are simple. i'm going to pay my rent. i'm going to get the supplies that we need, not at Big Lots, as i already got coffee, but at dollar general, so i get supplies and nothing more. i'm going to start making out my menu for thanksgiving. i'm going to write and clean, i want to keep the house together as i'm having my dad and my aunt by for thanksgiving. i'm going to walk. and i'm going to log what i eat, get my calories back down around 1500 or under, and i'm going to get back to conscious sacrifice. i want the blessing. i will wrestle the angel for it, regardless of feeling the pains. more later.
BREAKFAST -
1c rice, 242
2 eggs, 144
breakfast calories - 386
well, let's see. what was today? it's now about a quarter to ten at night, but i'm not doing a quick summary. i'm going to change this shit up one way or another. so, the day was decent. it's the only way i can summarize. i ate much better today. for lunch, grilled cheese and tomato sandwich and a bowl of soup. not bad. for dinner, hamburger patties, no bread, with salsa, cheese and sour cream, and green beans, which turned out wonderfully by the way. i had half a turkey sandwich for my snack. i went to a meeting. i did not walk however, the saboteur is me and he is real. i went to the salvation army though. R called me, said they were doing a produce giveaway. i got no produce because i didn't know it was 'bring your own bags' and take a number as well. i did not bring my own bags and by the time i actually found out about the number drawing system i was further up in the line and would have had to start over again. I'm going to get produce tomorrow before my meeting though.
why didn't i walk? it was a nice day, warm, sunny. i had nothing else more important going on. i did not walk because my mind changed. i can't allow that to happen. it's not the biggest deal in the world, but acting in my own best interest will never become a habit until i habitually do what is in my best interest. so, gym in the morning. salvation army. meeting. that's what i have planned. i did a lot of writing, i'm back over 30,000 words and its' not been a whole month yet. focusing just on Mechanical Jesus is a better idea. working on one good story at a time is much better than fucking up two stories simultaneously. that's what i think anyway.
i'm going to find some good nature sounds and crash in a minute. i am enjoying the depth of sleep that they take me to. i'm enjoying sleep, period. i guess this is kind of a summary, but i'm grateful today. i had what we need, and maybe even can do some of the things we want, and that's the best deal i got at the moment so i'm going to roll with it. thanks, Father, you always come through for us.
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