there are words that are not words that should be. HIBERNATIVE is not a word. but i like it, and i like what it means in use, as a state of inactivity. inactivity is far too common a word, and hibernative is not. but when i use a word and am not certain of its legitimacy, i look online for it and see if it has a definition. usually it does not. this one doesn't either, but someone thought of it before me and has stated that they think it an appropriate word. all that to say there is someone who has a brain whose path i just crossed briefly, and that makes me happy.
yesterday was a rather hibernative day.
i didn't journal yesterday. I said i was going to stop the last minute, just get something written no matter what it is and close the day out journalling. i am serious about that. this is a journal with a purpose. i expect it will become more definitive as the year of it draws to its conclusion, but we're still in the early stages, not even a full two months yet. so this entry is inclusive of November the 6th, as well as today, November the 7th. and those who don't like it...well...why should i care?
yesterday i went to the gym after i dropped Syd off to catch her bus. I walked for half an hour over constantly shifting terrain, from a 0.0 percent elevation to a 4.0, and it shifted at the design of the treadmill. i was sore and exhausted afterward, but i saw the difference right off. a mile takes me about twenty minutes. little more sometimes. i burn around 110 calories, i walk it at an elevation of about 2.5, so a slight upward incline the entire way. this was a half hour, at a comparable speed, that took me to about a mile and a half, that burned about 350 calories, that worked my muscles much more efficiently. so i am going to start doing the treadmill for time rather than for distance, and if i increase and acclimate to the time increases, the mile increases will come as well. again, looking for a better solution that will enhance the desired results. like not focusing on weight but on increased health and lessening of meds will almost by proxy mean the weight is coming off.
i then went home long enough to change and have some coffee, do some writing in Mechanical Jesus and get to counseling. it's always sort of interesting when VF and i just talk about a certain subject for a whole session. i like it, as i don't have a lot of people that i can just run through some of the items in my head with. i appreciate having her as a friend as well as a counselor. plus, now that i know i have BED, i may never get out of counseling. that's just a joke.
i then went to visit my mother, as i told her on wednesday i would. i intended to stay much longer than i did but it wasn't a long visit. I don't mind visiting my mother, but her sadness is too much a trigger in my memory banks. i cannot, at this time, easily remember my mother having happy times. there is something very sad about that to me. and the fact that she finds so much to be miserable about now, so many things to grate against her the wrong way, it makes a prolonged visit almost unbearable. but i know the time is coming when one of us won't be around anymore, and i don't want to spend any more time than necessary feeling as if i can't visit my parents. they're the only ones i'm going to have, and i'm the only Tim they've got, so we have to just put up with each other. and since they and i have been doing so for 47 years now, i guess its obvious that we can.
i had two boiled eggs for breakfast yesterday, i had two hamburger patties with salsa, cheese and sour cream and a medley of veggies and cheese sauce for lunch, and I had leftovers for dinner, of pot roast, carrots and potatoes and green beans. i grazed on a small bag of chips. my sugar was good, and my mood was one of contemplation and ease. i was sleepy, but i didn't nap. Syd has been cleaning her room, and though i told her her weekend would be spent here, i let her go because that saves money. i have to finish paying her school fees so i can get her report card, and because they need to be paid. i paid half last month and i'm paying the rest on monday. i really pray that the 911 job comes through this time. i just want to be in an earning position again. i'm so thankful that the rent stays paid and the utilities are on, but when it's one week into the month and i'm considering what else i can pay and how do i do groceries this month and will i have enough to do the Thanksgiving thing for my family, it cracks the door a bit for the depression. plus, i have to order the phone for Syd, which will eliminate the Christmas thing. but, i'm going to just acknowledge that this is not unique, though things would like to make me endorse a uniqueness for this feeling. many people are struggling, and even millionaires have killed themselves at the so-called holidays. we have created a society of affluence and despair, because it sells useless things to desperate people so the truly rich increase their riches. I will not succumb to latent Madison Avenue toss-off emotives. I will be okay, WE will be okay and that's just about all there is to that.
as well, my anniversary is in twenty days. God willing i make it til then, it will officially be twenty-seven years sober and clean. i remember still my first anniversary. i was so overwhelmed. i had watched so many of the others collecting their coins. when you were new, all the way up to being 9 months, you got a plastic keytag. many of us would just string them together and make ornamental hangings from them. but when you got a year, in the fellowship of my preference, you finally got a COIN. a brass coin that said 'hope, faith and courage' on one side. i remember how i cried when i got my year coin. i was overwhelmed. i was alive. it was a year later. i'd not believed that i could do it. everyone i'd gone through the care unit with (except TB, who is still clean to my knowledge) was back out getting high or drunk again. I was twenty one. there were people who loved me. there was help i was able to give and service i was able to provide. i cried, maybe the only time in my life, for the overwhelming weight of happiness. i sometimes wonder if, like that first hit or that first drink that really does it for you, people relapse because they're hoping to get that feeling again. because anniversaries now, they're just days of looking back. no celebrations, no big whoop. and the gratitude remains, and the being of service and the love too, but they're altered somehow. i'm not twenty-two; i'm forty-seven. i've been doing this since i was twenty. i have lost all my teeth, i have congestive heart failure, i have diabetes, i have a marriage and a divorce, i have a child i'm raising solo, i have broken hearts and have a broken heart, i have lost friends to death and i have been angered beyond belief at the degeneration of my familial home in the form of the fellowship of my choice. i have watched the world become a compromised place and, maybe worst of all, i have learned that the world was likely ALWAYS this compromised place, and i had to get old and bitter for that to come clearly into focus. life is interesting, but there won't be any tears of joy the twenty-seventh of november this year. there will be a prayer, if i am still alive, thanking Jehovah for another day of life, and there will be the day ahead. you know what? i miss that young man who was so undone with that first year, but i like this me better. this me knows and appreciates the value of things much more than that me did.
today is a hibernative day as well.
today i woke sluggish and may return to bed soon. but i'm striving not to. today i had bacon and eggs and a piece of toast for breakfast. today, the coffee is good, the sugar wasn't bad and the house is quiet. i am going to start cleaning. I'm going to find me some good music, start a good thorough cleaning of the apartment because the plan for thanksgiving is to have dad and my aunt michelle and my brother and De'Ja and maybe Syd's friend and me and Syd here. don't know about R. don't know about Tina, who came last year but may have other plans, as she is at least on friendship terms with a mutual friend and maybe will be more by that time who knows? still, i have to start the logistics. dinner menu, seating, fridge space. gonna be a tight month. but it all begins with cleaning. and i'm still pondering the programmed aspect of the world we're living in. i don't know how much of that is a distraction from looking at myself. i know the world is a fabrication of convenience for selling shit to idiots and innocents. knowing it doesn't change it one whit. so why do i continue beating that dead horse? it ain't gonna cross the finish line. but we'll see what the day brings, and who brings it, and we'll get back to this a bit later. that's enough for now, i believe.
well, i finished my cleaning. my areas are done, and i have a load of clothes to finish tomorrow. i didn't find anything i was looking for when i went to the store. my sugar levels were good. i managed to eat okay, not as well as i should have but far from fiend eating. i have to get groceries. i have to make a decision on this phone thing for Syd. but those aren't major and pressing issues. i'm looking forward to sleep. i always sleep better when my space is clean. thanks for a good day, Father.
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