altered states

the best change is the change that steals over you like a thief.  change that comes so gradually you're not even aware that it's happened until its tested and you deal with something in a whole different way, and then you know that you've become something else.  it can be scary.  It can be downright frightening, to be honest.  Because you don't know that its happening, but you become suddenly aware that something has become altered in you, something is not quite the same.  It's the way i felt closing out my day yesterday.  I responded to some things in a way that i was not prepared to, and I knew then that the lessons i've been learning are actual and genuine.
i'll get to more of that in a few.
it is cold in my apartment.  I am tired, not so much of cold winters, but of cold apartments.  It's cold and the cold makes it hard to write, but i'm writing anyway.  I'm past the activation in Mechanical Jesus finally, and I have about two/thirds to go, and that's not bad, being that i just started again on the sixteenth of October.  I said my prayers, i'm going to go and start  the car and warm it up and get ready to take Syd to catch her bus.  I got to get some gas in the car and toss a bag of trash in a dumpster.  morning is a beautiful thing when you want to be alive.
well, it's almost the end of the day, meaning its closing in on midnight.  i'm weary, in fact i'm just up again, after having crashed for a bit.  but the day was as noneventful as i thought it'd be, and that's not a bad thing.
i almost ran out of money, thinking i was about a hundred to the good going into next month, but actually nowhere close to that.  i'm beginning to get annoyed at this 'i'm going to be gone most of the time' bullshit from my child, but have to remember that this is the age when that happens.  i made my salmon croquets for dinner, i wrote a bit in Mechanical Jesus, spoke to both parents, spoke to R, and that was about the day.  i have a bunch of things to do tomorrow, like going to pay my rent, going to get some supplies, paying bills, seeing about getting my brakes done.  i am really trying to process some of this information, because its a pain to think in terms of money that is moving out of the house almost as soon as it comes in, and yet that's what money does in every house everywhere except the wealthy.  i am praying the job at the 911 center comes through this time, but it won't necessarily make things better.  it will just allow some flexibility in my financial situation.  i wish i could have found something under the table, but i am not plugged in that way anymore.  besides, what i have to do more than worry about finances is increase my faith and continue proactivity.  those things will bring about change for the better far more efficiently than worry will.  but its easy to fall back into old habits.
i don't know.  i am not going to make busy work for myself.  i'm going to make out a menu for thanksgiving and i'm going to start to accumulate the peripherals now.  i'm going to work on space requirements, as i will likely have my dad and my aunt by for dinner that day as well.  i'm going to keep moving forward, and i'm going to try my best to not worry.  these are my plans.  i know i was on a different track this morning, but hell, i almost didn't finish writing this at all.  so i'm going to sleep again, and maybe i'll have more insightful stuff tomorrow.  good night, and thanks, Jehovah, for another day aboveground.