System Check

well, this is a good day.  I've learned over the years that you have to see what is in front of you before you render an assessment on just about anything.  this day has been an on point kind of day so far.  it's only four o'clock, so who knows what happens next?  but as days go, i got no complaint thus far.
started with prayer and the gym.  i got there at five-thirty and did the weight machines for forty-five minutes.  then i came home, wrote for a bit and got Syd to her bus.  i came back, had breakfast, got my mind girded up and went to my parents.  drove my parents to the CAK airport so my mom could catch her flight to Alabama by way of Atlanta.  the tension between them was a physical feeling thing, but it had nothing to do with me and i chose not to take it on.  my dad tries to be a good man regardless of how he is feeling, and my mom tries to appear to be a good person and care about my dad once he's out of earshot and other people are around.  i would rather think that perhaps that is their dynamic and they're just happy that way, but i know i'm bullshitting myself.
anyway...i got back to my apartment before noon and made myself a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup for lunch.  i laid down and fucked around on the computer, trying to convince myself not to do anything else, but my self wouldn't go for it.  so i went to the store to get some of the things i need for next thursday.  i came back from the store, put the groceries away and got busy on the lawn.
now, here's where i look at the day that is behind me, see it for what it is in a broader scope, and make the assessment that it's a good day.  i've been very apprehensive about cutting the grass.  i can say that now.  cutting the grass over the summer kicked my fucking ass.  kicked it like it was an abusive parent and i was a needy child.  i had Syd cut it when she got back from columbus, couple times, but i knew that wasn't going to do it.  'man's gotta do what a man's gotta do', and other such white foolishness.  so, i girded my mind (i like that saying, gonna have to put it into circulation) and i got started.
now, i would love for light to beam from the dark sky overhead and black doves to swoop in and coo and shit all over the street as the glorious moment of this writing took place, but it won't.
 that picture is a black dove, should anyone read this and think 'there's no such thing as a black dove'.
anyway...i cut the grass EASY!  i cut most of the back before i DECIDED to take a break for water and to call Lonnie.  and then i cut the rest of the back and started on the front before i DECIDED to take a break for a sip of water and immediately resume cutting, and then i FINISHED STRONG, not winded, sweating in the coolness of November but not laboring, heart not thudding to beat the band.  i'm not sore, not exhausted, don't need to sleep for two days.  i am GETTING BETTER!  I AM IMPROVING!  and yes, goddammit, i'm happy about that.
i checked my sugar before i had an apple as a pre-dinner snack, and it was at 100.  all i'm going to do is take my Levamir, the long acting insulin, to get me through the night, with no fast acting at all, and i'll be good.  and tomorrow morning, after Syd goes to her bus, i'll be back on the treadmill getting it in.  and that's progress.  it's not perfection.  it's not supposed to be.
i look in the mirror and i still see all this fat.  i feel it in my clothes, the weight retention.  i don't log food as i should, and i know i snack more than i should.  i hope part of this is the sideways reacting to the depression and that it passes with November.  we'll see.  but this is me getting better, and i refuse to complain about that or anything else at the moment.  i'm about to put together my dinner and i'm going to write in Mechanical Jesus some more.  and i'm going to get back to the Phenomenon Culture theory as well.  but for now, a victory, and a very welcome one too.