boiling point

its wednesday morning, and i'm in a slow burn.

i've been here since yesterday, and i've been building up to this all week, for the most part.
i did sleep okay, and i got my prayers in this morning.  i was still feeling the residuals from yesterday when my child, despite me telling her i needed her help at a specific moment, decided to play rescue ranger in someone else's life.  i don't know the validity of this young man being in a bad situation or not.  i'm not really angry about her helping anyone.  i am, however, livid about the disregard and the constant having to do things myself.  and as i write this, which is the most beneficial part about journaling, i see that this is the old attitude creeping in on me again.  i do nothing by myself; i take on things that many won't take on and i get frustrated with people due to my expectations and my temperament.  but the truth is, i do what i do because it's what i've been taught to do.  and apples fall from apple trees.  so, here we go, i feel deflated now, and i think i can do this day without growling too much.  and i owe that to my child, and my God, and my friends and family.  the steps are amazing when they are applied.

it's kind of funny.  the cooking didn't keep me up all night.  the anger did.  i slept anyway.  listened to the ocean on youtube and drifted off peaceful like.  and when i got up, it was like i just threw my boat right back on the rocks.  i did my part.  i did more than has been done for me.  i called the boy's mother and left a message that he was here because no one answered the phone.  when Syd split at the beginning of the school year no one paid me that courtesy.  and maybe this is what is best.  it certainly is what is going on right now, so there's something for me to learn in it.

i'm heating up things to put them in a thermal carry case A gave me.  i've got to go to the store to get the anniversary cake.  i've got to get ice and gas along the way.  and i've got to get salad dressing for the salad.  i don't even think i'm going to eat, and if i didn't need my serving spoons and containers i wouldn't even stay, as i have a lot of cooking to do today.  but the majority of my prep is done, and the meats are marinated and will be at room temperature this afternoon.  nothing to do but put things together, bake and cook and wait for tomorrow to pretend that Natives and Pilgrims were best of friends (sarcasm).

i am not angry now.  i owe no apologies, as i've done nothing wrong.  but i owe myself an amend, and i think i can see where the self-sabotage has been coming in this month.  i don't have to do everything, i don't have to try to show people who won't see anything, and i don't have to try to describe beauty to blind people.  all i have to do is be grateful i am not blind and appreciate the beauty that i see everyday.  and isn't that enough?

i got to see R briefly yesterday.  sweet center in a very filling dish.  that's it for now, i've got to roll.

...its wednesday night, and my burn is extinguished.
reality is what it is.  you can't alter it, through denial or bargaining.  you can't reshape it with words, you can only make some people buy into your nonsense.  truth is, ultimately, subjective, because it requires a plethora of minds to translate it, but it is not one dimensional.
i am not angry now because i realize i was being set up.  my disease, which i know to be a sentient force, used my anger to take me where i'd closed the door to outright depression.  and even at almost 27 years, i almost fell for it.
the anniversary meeting was exactly what it always is.  people who don't come to the meeting came because there was food to be found.  not many this time, but enough.  and people who chose to share were of a 'i need to control perception about myself', not from the honesty that could change one's life for the better or allow one to be seen more clearly.  it is over though, and my son is here, and Syd only pissed me off once, and my food is coming along well.  that's the deal.  you do things to the best of your ability.  if you pray for sight, you need to prepare to see things.  and you learn to respond, because blind reactions lead to blind reactions.  and when things come together, they are wonderful despite all the pain you go through to get there.  i've got to do my ham and mashed potatoes tomorrow morning, and make my cake frosting, so it's curtains for the waking world.  grateful, thankful and blessed to be sober today, thank you Father.  hasta manana.