i am tired. i believe this is going to be another involved convalescence. that makes me sad, and apprehensive as well. there's no point in lying. but life is not promised; no tomorrow exists on a calendar. everything past 'today' is hypothetical, just like everything behind 'today' is either historical or conjectural. so i have this day. i am alive today. i am sober today. i am blessed today and i thank Jehovah for that blessing of life.
it's saturday. i didn't rush to get up, i didn't get started with the notion of saving the world. i got up, got on my knees and said my prayers. i didn't read. i got up and tested my mind and the function of my body. i am still winded quickly, but not so much as the past couple of weeks. so i went downstairs.
i checked my sugar, very good. i took my meds. i made my mom coffee and put on my aunt's water for tea. i made sure my dad was okay. Patrice called me early and we talked. she was having her new significant other over for dinner and sex. i suggested that she make sure she include some non-coital activities in their weekends together, as it tends to expand the foundation for better support of a future. then Lonnie called me not long after. i was contemplating breakfast so his call was right on time. i was going out to get my stuff to make for dinner tonight anyway, so i met him at Walmart where he was shopping and we went to Bob Evans. tried their chicken and waffle breakfast. i have to say, in my experience, you should never go hungry into an experimental order at a restaurant. you are very likely to be disappointed, as i was. but it was breakfast, it was conversation and time with my friend. after breakfast, i went into Walmart after dropping him at his car, got salmon and red-skinned potatoes (redemption from my fucked-up version two weeks ago) and some cranberry diet Canada Dry ginger ale. best soda in the WORLD. then i went to Aldis, got my spinach, more eggs, provolone cheese. i went home and put stuff away and mostly chilled after that. tried my mom's chicken salad finally. as good as it always is, and happiness inducing. then i took a nap.
i should say, when i first came in the house, i told my mom i was going to try to talk to her one more time. i told her that i needed her to relax, to let me do what i do, to let me be me without questioning everything that i do. i told her that i, as well as my brother Jerry, were trying to honor our parents, by being there and doing the things we could do. i told her that if i couldn't do those things and be okay with it, then i'd stop doing them, because i couldn't continue doing things and being made to feel irritated for helping. i doubt if she actually will stop, but i'm sure she heard me.
i talked to Rachel before my nap, good conversation, but brief. just wanted to hear her voice. then i told her that i was going to take a nap, and that we could talk later. i may call her in a few.
i was tolerable of Deedy, don't feel much of anything about her anymore, but there's no point in being openly disdainful of her. she is what she is, and she is there for my mother. sometimes people don't come into our lives to be there forever; sometimes we are a way station for them to find where they are supposed to be. and that's cool. i'm not god, and i don't presume to know his will for me. just before she left i began prepping to cook. got my dinner done, got my dad a small salad made because he would say he can't do the cheese in the creamed spinach, got my mom fed. i ate, finished watching Young Frankenstein, and am now shutting it down for the night.
i've had moments of being exhausted, and i've had the energy to get done what i needed to get done. i don't assume anything. i'm just doing one day at a time. this was a good day. i'm happy enough. grateful enough. and very thankful to be breathing. we'll see what tomorrow brings. thank you again, Father.
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