sometimes, you have to impose a reality over your desire. it doesn't happen often, thankfully, as i truly do try to live a life of surrender. but it happens. and when it does, the imposition is hard. it seems to be an inconvenience of sorts. but in hindsight, it is usually for the best, and there's no point complaining about that, is there?
i got up on point this morning. beat the alarm, turned it off, had some cramps so i prayed bowing my head sitting on the side of the futon. i read my books, lumbered downstairs after climbing into my gym clothes, and had some water. i made my way to the gym reluctantly, only because i was up so early and had so little to do (with no coffee to make for myself) i wanted to go back to sleep. but i pushed through.
at the gym, i did the treadmill with some caution. checked my heart rate often, and it was about the same as it usually runs. the woman from my last blog about the treadmill was there, but as there were only 3 of us, she went to the farthest end, away from me and the judge-looking guy. i did a bit over a mile, walking casually. figured that was enough.
i didn't talk to Rose today. i went to Walmart, got some incidentals for the stroganoff i was making for dinner tonight. i went to McD's and got coffee, then i came home. checked my sugar, took meds and insulin, made salmon patties and eggs and grits for breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, watched some TV and went upstairs to get fully dressed. my money had come in so i went and got coffee, razors, soap and vitamins from Odd Lots and i was going to hit some more stores but decided to just take the day slow. the walking wasn't exhausting, but i wasn't high energy. i came back to my parent's house, messed around a bit, talked to my mom (who did make her doctor's appointment as i urged her) and and eventually went to lunch with Lonnie. i got back home after picking up the rest of my Xarelto, and i've been here since. i made the stroganoff and steamed and buttered broccoli for dinner. i cleaned up the few dishes that were there when i was doing the cooking. i've eaten and i'm journaling now. sleep beckons but i have to wait for just a bit, one last thing to do before its said and done.
i realize, as i said, there are realities that are impositions. this is always truth. because we are, to some degree, all sociopathic, all spoiled, rotten brats. we want our way as often as we can get it. we grow accustomed to not getting our way, but we never grow to enjoy it. and for some, whom maturity eludes like the fastest kid in the world in a game of tag, the prolonged adolescence makes it impossible for them to see any possible outcome to any situation save the one they want to see.
i know that has been me in the past. i am witnessing this dangerous behavior in people close to me, and i pray that i either have worked through it and it is a non-issue or that i am able to work on it until it becomes so. I thank Jehovah for answering my prayers.
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