so.  this was not a bad day.  wasn't a bad couple of days.  but it is wearisome.  it is very much a drain on the mental capacitors.  but i'm going to live.  that's the most important thing.

why am i posting more pictures of me?  because i'm trying to get back to enjoying being who i am.  it is hard.  because of the living situation.  because of the chicanery involving my grandparent's house.  because of the neediness of my parents.  no point lying about things.  because of my own past actions that have my present limping along.  but with all that, i have not started disliking myself.  i just have to get back to actively loving myself, actively enjoying what i am and who i am and what i do.  and i am allowed to work on that in the midst of everything else.

so today, i got up and decided not to do the gym.  don't know why.  sleep was good, and i was enjoying the rest is about the best i can say.  the shopping thing and all the running on wednesday had me drained, admittedly.  but i stayed in bed.  then i prayed, then i read from Matthew, then i did my meditations, and then i threw on clothes and came downstairs.  i heated my mom's coffee and got my stuff together to make a fresh pot in the basement.  i got ice water, went downstairs, brewed my coffee, took my sugar and my insulin and meds.  then i got to work on my outline.  almost done.  getting tired of plotting, but it's pretty important to do.  King Percival (the title may change) is going to be a wonderful book, i'm going to grow as an author.  everything evolves.

i only had taking my dad to his board meeting on my calendar.  i just heated up leftovers for breakfast, had to get Syd from school because she was feeling sick, took her home.  i went to the store, got Mom's Splenda, got Syd some Benadryl.  i came back to the house again.  i can't really think clearly, in terms of what else transpired.  i know i had lunch, but i can't really remember it.  i know i played on the computer, but that wasn't everything.  i know i watched some television.  i did get my dad to his board meeting.  i got bread from the store for the house.  i made dinner and ate.  i talked to Lonnie and i talked to Rachel, a conversation that was cut short.  but i didn't do anything that was so extraordinary that it sticks out.  and perhaps that's what the picture taking is about as well.
the process of caring for your family as a grown man is about awareness and responsiveness.  it is about being able to get out of yourself, to turn off those synapses that are prone to resentment and chastisement.  it is, in effect, to become a better (or worse, to be fair) parent than you were to even your own kids.  because your parents know better...they just won't or can't do better anymore.  often my dad just leaves his trash wherever he happens to eat.  my mom can't decide what she'd like for any particular meal.  i just remembered, i made my mom and myself an omelet for lunch.  we split it, because i didn't feel like double cooking, though i did that for dinner.  my mom, my dad, my aunt.  grooved into their way of being.  and so am i.  but God is showing me that if someone can change, then things can be better.  degrees of things.  it's not necessary for everyone to change.  just that things can change.  and i thank Jehovah for the ability to be responsive and aware today.  i'm going to bed.