the rain comes

there are mistakes that aren't mistakes.  there are decisions, only decisions.  not good or bad; making a choice should not be considered a moral exercise.  only the actions come under judgment.  only the results are able to be tried and convicted or pardoned.  but choices are first thing in the morning and last thing at night.  every single one.

from a lovely day, the rain now falls.  tomorrow will be a cooler day than today was.  i will do some things that i decided not to do today.  but i have learned things, i have to make decisions on things.  choices.  and when they are made, the landscape will change once more.

so i mostly relaxed today.  i wrote, i read, i ate significantly less and i watched television with my mother.  i talked to Rachel, and she's going through more changes.  i am going to have to consider making different choices in regards to her.  a mental dilemma.  if i should tell her what i would like to say, then i'll probably have to do without her.  i can do that.  i don't want to, but life will go on.  if i don't, no one else seems to have the temerity to do so and so she may continue to swirl the drain.  she had an opportunity to do some interior decorating for someone, redecorating two bedrooms.  she was paid in advance.  lasted a few days without doing anything, then went to the casino and blew the money.  an obvious pattern, so its one that she sees.  but she doesn't speak on it, of course.  she doesn't act upon it, of course.  she just digs in deeper, pulls more wool over her eyes, smokes some weed and tries to wait out the storm.  if nothing more, it makes me know that i have to change my own behavior, to 'clear away the wreckage of my own past', so to speak, because i have no right to judge, and i have no intention on it.  but it will not be seen as anything else.

the other thing is Syd.  she is going through it with Joe.  they started on fucked up ground, never repaired the initial nonsense and continued to build on a severely flawed foundation.  so he is doing nothing to help around the apartment.  she says.  and he is essentially making her life miserable.  she says.  and i tell her she has to make a decision and stick to it.  i can't extract her from her drama.  she has to do this for herself.  but, i am worried.  Joe is a cared for individual.  his mother has done everything for him.  he is very likely burnt out from trying so hard to please Syd, who has never allowed herself to be pleased for long.  but the situation is growing worse.  i cannot be involved in their drama.  i won't put my hands on Joe.  and Syd says she's putting his things by the door.  that he has to leave.  but i don't see how that's actually going to happen.  so, there's that.

my prayers are for clarity and discernment.  my prayer is for Syd and Rachel to be okay.  but i am not the Fixer.  i am not the repair guy.  i can only be there, offer support and experience.  and if that's not enough, then i have to turn it over.  that's the deal.

the rain comes.  regardless of the season, it is raining somewhere.  sometimes the rain is lovely and refreshing.  and sometimes, it's bitter and cold.  but God makes it rain on the just and the unjust.  and that's called 'life'.  i thank Jehovah for a good day.