so, today was still slow motion. at the moment, i'm trying my best to head toward my bed. i've been ON, all day. i mean, it's like hyper-vigilance all over again. like when Syd was a baby still, and you had to have all your senses tuned in, even in sleep. but it is good to know that i still can.
today i didn't go to the gym. i got up slow, moving with the speed of unwillingness. i said a prayer, sitting on the side of the futon and bowing my head, as i was having leg cramps and didn't want to tempt my traitorous leg muscles. i didn't get downstairs til after 7, and that was only because i knew i had to get the meeting open. the new secretary texted me early, had a job he needed to do because he needed the money. NBD, it ain't like i'm not used to doing this shit myself right now. but the doors stay open, and if anyone needs the information we disseminate, we definitely do.
i had a late breakfast. i spent the early part of the morning trying to coordinate rides for my dad. my mom had Deedy take her to her doctor's appointment. my dad was planning on doing all his running by himself. i told him he was being stubborn and that was not a good thing. eventually, he had Jerry take him to Warren, so that's some progress.
i'd read my meditation books and my daily phone scripture but not my bible. always skipping something. my ankles hurt all the time now. that's kind of new too. i got dressed and had coffee and breakfast eventually and once i saw everyone on their routine i headed to the meeting.
it was a small meeting, as they mostly are there now. 2nd step, one of my favorites. the chairperson, sorry, chairWOMAN, did a good job. i went to the store from the meeting and got the stuff for a chicken Parmesan. i came back here to an empty house, and i started prepping, listening to James Brown and similar funk, and just grooving in my cooking zone. then my mom came. i was talking to Rachel when she got back, blowing her horn at me to ask what i wanted for lunch as she'd go get it. i settled on the 2 for 5 fish flatbreads from Arby's and got back to cooking. my dad came and left quickly, and i worked on dinner. i talked to my mom, she is going for a new sleep study, will likely end up with a new C-Pap. that's a good thing. my dad got in as i was done cooking, and i took him back to Giant Eagle to pick up prescriptions and some other things. when we got back i fixed plates for he and my mother, got my own plate and finished. i went online to do the I-9 paperwork for Amazon and schedule taking my citizenship documents to Ravenna for their approval. talked to Rachel several times. eventually, i asked her if she wanted to do dinner and a movie tomorrow and she said sure.
i have washed the dishes and put the food away. my dad is watching the Cavs game. my mom is in the process of nodding off. i am tired. i am going to go and finish making my bed, and i'm going to lay down and read some more of this Alice Walker. i have my cardiologist visit tomorrow. i plan to go lift at the gym in the morning. i actually feel pretty good, though i am very tired. but that's part of living now. realizing things change simply because you live. you die, and everything stops changing for you. you live, and the world changes you and you change yourself and the world changes itself.
i have moments where i look in the mirror and i still see the sad kid that is framed in plastic on my parent's living room wall. and there are times when i look in the mirror and i don't recognize a damn thing on my face. weariness. toothless. sorrow more than sadness. resignation. whatever was intelligence is now bordering on madness in an insane world. but i keep looking. because we are not cured; what we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual conditioning. eternal vigilance, if i want to die sober and sane. but i thank God that His will is done, and that i have learned, at least in hindsight, to see His amazing artistry in the midst of man's mundanity. Good night.
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