this was not the most eventful day, but it didn't have to be.
i got up way too early, about 230 or so. i couldn't get back to sleep, despite the groovy binaural meditation video i had on. so i just lay in bed until around 4 and got it moving. got my gym clothes on after my prayer and my readings. i went downstairs, turned the auto-perk back on my mom's coffee pot, went to the basement and brewed my own. i had a cup with some water, watched a small guest scurry out across the concrete and back to the shadows (mouse or chipmunk, not sure) and then i got my ass to the gym. treadmill today. sugar was about 114. still running a bit high. got to get off these fucking sweets, man.
i came back, got my insulin and meds taken along with more coffee and water, made a breakfast sandwich and decided to lay back for awhile. i'd woke up kinda snotty, congested, and still fighting off the gout that was trying to lock me up on sunday, so i wasn't rushing. talked to Rachel for a bit, then i got re-dressed in going places clothes. checked out Stambaugh online, but Margaret Atwood had already come so no point getting tickets for a past event. didn't go to the library either. just drowsed; shallow-napped. my mom made me lunch, which was tasty, and i went to the store after. bought chicken and buttermilk. got my chicken seasoned and marinated and tomorrow i'll be frying it up. i was curious, and i tasted the buttermilk and regretted it.
i have eaten dinner, leftovers. taken my dad to get his car. i've watched television with my aunt, i've spent time with my mom. talked to Syd, to Rachel, to Lonnie. i am about to shut it all the way down, weight day tomorrow.
i had texted De'Ja last night, an existential moment, i guess. i said 'i don't know what's worse; succeeding at failure or failing to succeed. i have been pondering that, i won't lie. i'm as ready to start work as i'm likely to get. i'm waiting for emails so i can know exactly when i get rolling. i will be paying my back shit off, making money, working on my publishing service, waiting for a house, doing good things. but i look back to all the same shit i'm dealing with now. not being able to pay rent in Columbus. having to move here because i couldn't get decent employment there. it is a demoralizing thing. and i've been dealing with it so long. but i know it's not the same place. i know i'm in a much better mode, and i'm in a much better position. and i can love myself for living, and i can live because i am loved, and i am sentient, i am aware of me for the first time maybe. no point feeling bad forever, a few moments will do. then i got to get back to my happy place. i am thankful to Jehovah God for his love and kindness on my behalf today.
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