in the process of preparing for this journey, or this leg of the journey, i've been doing some self-assessment. i think it's important, that this trip be not for nothing, that there is a learning and a gathering and a growing that comes from these efforts. i want to write about this when it's done. mostly, though, i want to find out if there is a chance to get my stuff out into the public. i want someone to actually look for my books. i think that would be a pretty cool thing to do.
i got up and got out of bed this morning, but it was too early. i didn't go to the gym. i woke to a storm, rain and thunder and lightning, the whole nine. i laid in my bed for a bit, but sleep wouldn't return, so i said a prayer and went to the kitchen to start coffee. my blood sugar was good, i took insulin and meds and saw Syd out the door. after i ate breakfast, i tried to lay back down and go to sleep but such was not to be, so i got up and got ready for the meeting.
i got there early, talking to Rachel who called as i was going into the Fellowship Hall. we talked for a bit and Deja called and i told him i'd call him after the meeting. the meeting was very small, but we finished the second half of Step 12 and next week we'll be doing Tradition 12. then we start again at step 1. on my way home i talked to Deja. as usual, i couldn't understand much of what he was saying but he welcomed me to his home while i'm in Columbus and i appreciate that. i went to visit my mother briefly, as i was still pretty tired. then i went to the store to get some soup for lunch and biscuits for the stew for dinner. i came home, talked to Rachel again, had my lunch and went back to laying down. i looked up a couple of bookstores so i would have some places to contact in the Summit county area.
i have had dinner, i just had my snack. going to take my night time meds and i'm going to shut it down soon. i don't know if sleep will come, but it won't be for lack of facilitation. i have to take Syd to a doctor's appointment tomorrow. i need to check my calendar and see when my doctor appointment is next week, as i need to be here for that. i am still very tired, but i feel okay. shoulder has been hurting all day. but tomorrow is a gym day and i plan to go.
i've been seeing that i don't have much of a desire to argue with people anymore. there is a strange level of programming that is going on, not subtle at all, but slightly different. as if they are not going to be content to have a rabid minority ready to shed blood for the slightest conceptualized provocation, but they want the majority of the disenfranchised at each other's throats as well.
today, on Facebook, i posted the definition of RETARD. now, let me spell it in emphasis, so it's clear. reTARD, not REtard. get it? reTARD is a verb. "delay or hold back in terms of progress, development, or accomplishment:" it is an action. now, having posted the entirety of this definition, including the fact of it being a verb and the words that are synonymous with the term, someone i know queried whether i was saying it was 'all right' to use that word. i decided not to answer. because, if i bother to give the parameters of something that i'm thinking and you choose, for your own reasons, to feel questionable intent on my part, you have that right. but i won't defend myself any longer, as it serves no good purpose.
i didn't go into great detail about why i posted it, but i was reading in a paper i got from my parent's house about a guy from Niles or Howland who killed two people and wounded 3 others over a beef that was played out on Facebook. it was about him dating a woman whom apparently he was seeing while she was still married, and he got into a pissing match with the ex's son and friends. but he emptied a gun into one of their vans, went back into his house for a fresh clip and shot some more into the van and the people. over a beef. played out on facebook. and now he's facing murder charges. and all i can think, honestly, is 'that is someone who has had their growth retarded, someone whose mental capacity has been stymied from the outside in'. and i see it all the time. so, i think my thoughts. and i may see my questioning friend this coming weekend. gonna try, anyway. but i'm not going to explain myself then either. at least, i don't think i will. Thank you, Father, for a good day.
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